5 year age gap - having doubts in having a second

[december2020]

We have been debating having a second child.
The first couple of years we just weren't ready with DS, then DH was worried about finances.

DS is now 3.5 and we're in a position where finances could line up, so thinking about having a second.

I've always wanted 2 DC, it just felt complete for me.
But now that DS is turning 4 this year and realistically we'd only decide around September/October, there would be a 5+ year age gap and it is making me reconsider.

I always envisioned a 3-4 year age gap and who knows how quickly we'd convince.so there could be a 5-6 year age gap and I just don't know if that feels like too much. Of course aware we can't plan conception so 3-4 year age gap may have never materialised.

I'm in my late 30s right now and we're slowly coming out of the baby and toddler phase and the further we get away from it the more I'm unsure if I want to go through it all again as we're finally getting back to "normal life".
But also the biggest factor is how far apart they would be and with that, potentially how little overlapping interests they would have.

Of course no one guarantee siblings ever get along, but would this age gap really build a divide from the start.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences, was there a point you decided the age gap was just too big or has a bigger age gap worked wonders for you?

I would say it has different advantages. I have a sibling 5.5 years younger than me (and another with a 12 month gap, which was an age gap I was determined to avoid) and have 4.5 years between my own DCs.

It did feel like we were going back to square 1 as life had suddenly started to get a bit easier. Friends with 1.5-2 year age gaps seemed to go through a very intense couple of years and then life seemed to get much easier, a lot faster. Whereas we were back to nappies and pushchairs and sleepless nights.

Advantages were the extra time with DC2 when DC1 was at school (though Covid meant that didn’t work out quite as planned), not paying for two lots of preschool childcare, and DC1 being more independent. Often only needing one big ticket item like a particular car seat as the older one grew out of it before the younger was ready for it.

Disadvantages - depends on the DC but DC1 was very aware of life before and after DC2 and really struggled with jealousy. Different needs have sometimes complicated days out, holiday care, etc. I would not describe mine as friends but that is partly due to personalities.

For us, based on personalities involved, I’m not sure a different age gap would have made things easier. Ideally I would have aimed for 3 years but life didn’t happen that way!

Proximity of age is usually what causes sibling strife. My sister and I fight like cat and dog (18mths gaps) but I am the wise older sister to my younger (by 6 yrs) brother. My DH and brother have a 5 yr age gap and they fight like cat and dog.

I would be more worried about going back to having a baby, then toddler, and increasing the number of years on the book for dealing with school runs etc than about any of the social engineering between sibling aspects! That school aspect makes me feel more trapped than a bear in a hamster cage. The rest? You can never know how it will turn out.... good close reds or fateful hatred or total indifference and no shared interest.

Research also indicates that only children are generally happier in life - I mean they've never had to fight for attention etc. They always complain they would have liked to have had siblings though, imagining some kind of fantasy unicorn family utopia with caring brothers and sisters aka the Bridgertons that rarely exists in real life.

I have 2 DDs with a 5.5 age gap. I worried it would be difficult but it's been absolutely brilliant. DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 10 now. They get on brilliantly in the main and now wear the same size clothes which causes the odd fight! When DD2 was a baby I just strapped her on and took her to the things DD1 did. I got lots of 1-2-1 time with them both. I had two MC hence the gap but it's worked out really well. I do wonder how it will be when DD2 is 14 and DD1 is 20 but so far so good.

There's pros and cons for every age gap. There will be a 4.5 year gap between DS and my baby when u give birth. It means he will be at school during the day so I get one on one time with the baby on maternity leave, do pick ups from school and cover school holidays for a year.

I didn't plan it this way as I've had 2 miscarriages (one at 20 weeks) but you can make the most of it.

I have a 4.5 year gap between mine and it’s been lovely. Due to their personalities it’s worked really well- DS1 is the perfect doting older brother and DS2 adores him. They’re still young get (8 and 4) so it may change as they get older but so far so good! Like you, I wanted a smaller gap because I was convinced they wouldn’t get on with a large age gap but due to covid (no one would take my implant out), this is what we ended up with, but it’s worked for us.

I think, at heart, you sound a little bit reluctant, a bit ‘one and done’ and that’s ok OP!
Courtesy of a second marriage, there’s 8 years between DC1 and 2, in my case. I had them at 29 and 38.
DC2 is now 14 and regularly spends weekends with her 22 year old brother and his girlfriend at their flat, going shopping in Camden, Shoreditch, eating ramen, just chilling. They are SOOO close. DC1 was brilliant to raise as a single child for 8 years and yeah, if I never had two more kids, he’d still have turned out a totally happy person, I’ve no doubt. I really wanted more and always felt ready for more but my first husband met someone else during my pregnancy so, that was that! I married 7 years later.
So now I have DC2 and also DC3, who is 4 years younger than DC2 and 12 years younger than DC1. Again, they are all incredibly close and they all get along so well. I couldn’t be more blessed- says EVERY parent. But it’s true!
Whether you stick with one or go for number two, trust that everyone and everything will be ok. I find it’s less about age gaps and more about personalities that divide siblings. And that’s a crap shoot we simply can’t predict.

We have 7.5 years between our two because of fertility issues. I worried that it would effectively be like having two only children, and they wouldn’t really have a “proper” sibling relationship. If it weren’t for the fact my youngest brother is 7 years younger than me and we have a great relationship, I’m not sure if this worry would have won out.

In our case, we needn’t have worried. It took a bit of adjusting to at the beginning (our eldest asked us if we could take the baby back to the hospital after a couple of weeks 😂), but they get on better and better as the little one can do more (he’s now two). They love playing together — and also find much more to argue about than I ever could have expected. But, the big one is such a help, it really does make it that bit easier.

Best age gap in my opinion, oldest is self sufficient and doesn't need watching 24/7 which meant i had time to focus on baby and enjoy my mat leave as eldest was at school.

However i had my first late 20's and 2nd early 30's, i'm not sure how i would feel going through the baby stage at late 30's but thats just me

Almost 5 years between my DS and DD and it's been nothing but good. DS is very self sufficient and almost an extra pair of hands with helping his Sister.
They get on very well and it was nice to have another maternity leave with just the baby as DS had started school. We also didn't have the horror of 2 lots of nursery fees at any stage.

I've got dc 6.5. I'm remarried. Late 30s. I couldn't start again but that's just me. My nieces are 5.5 years apart and get on well because eldest is so good with youngest but it's like a motherly relationship. Sure that will change once they're older. 12 and 6 seems a huge gap but 20 and 26 isn't if that makes sense.

I had three children in just over four years. It is hard and even harder when they were small. I think 5-6 year gap would be ideal x

I am loving all these positive stores!
I was dead certain on having another last year, but as the weeks become months and DS is getting older, the more hesitant I get.

Partially as I'm getting used to a "normal life" again and partially as the older I get, I don't know if I'll have the same energy anymore.

But in a weird way I also mourn the idea that I may come to the conclusion of sticking to one by the end of the year as it wasn't what I had pictured.

4.5 years between my two

Wasn't what I wanted or planned, but it's how things worked out for us and it's been the best thing.

They are almost 10 and 5.5, they get on great and it's lovely. Don't get me wrong, they can argue and get on each others nerves (boy/girl) but my eldest is v protective of her little brother and the age gap is fine