My new son

[KLeonard2]

Hi, sorry if this is not appropriate but I am a dad looking for some help.

I have one older daughter and have just had a baby boy with my new wife. I did not really want to have any more children. Call me selfish but I am the kind of person who desperately needs their own space and alone time. I know parenting is not exactly conducive to this so wanted to stop at 1. My wife really wanted another child so we went ahead. To be clear I was a willing participant, I was not tricked.

My son is now 8 weeks old and I am really struggling to bond with him. I feel no great swelling of emotion for him. I don't think this was the case with my daughter but my wife says that it was a little bit. I have a great realtion with my daughter and love her more than anything. I was pleased to be having a son but when a friend messaged me saying "how's the little man, is he your best friend yet" my honest answer would have been "no, not at all". Right now he is just a problem to be solved and a phase to be gotten through.

I am self aware enough to know that I may be slightly on the spectrum so this kind of emotional connection isn't easy for me. But it also brings up feelings of guilt and shame. Why can't I just love my son like I should. I have tried to speak to my wife but she doesn't really want to engage and has said not to spoil the experience for her. I understand that it would be very difficult for her to hear that kind if thing so get her position.

I sometimes want to just dissappear and run away from being a father entirely. Something which I would never do I might add. I do feel like the problem of parenting for me might be better handled through a separation though? I love spending time with my daughter on her own so daydream a bit about a divorce where I can have quality time but also lots of alone time. But then how can that be justified? I still love my wife, we are just going through the stresses of having young children.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Give it time. Fake it til you make it.

don’t run off and abandon the person you willingly helped create, speak to your GP about how you’re feeling and get some support, both parents of new babies are priorities for MH support

I didn’t adore them or feel they were my best friends at that age either (mum). And definitely daydreamed about pretty much any easier life!

I don’t think it’s worth beating yourself up about your feelings on this. It just adds another layer of difficulty.

Few years in, we’re all good.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Yoir baby is a newborn so is pure hardwork with nothing back as you remember from your daughter. every week your a step closer to him developing more personality and building that bond. But it takes time. Think by 2 christmases time he’ll be a little person with character who can walk and talk. Your bond will be stronger by then.

May I ask what made you agree to this? You’ve been through this before do know the deal?

I have a 2 year old and a baby. The baby gets better week by week and the bond grows stronger and stronger. It’s getting through the first 18 months until they are a more developed little person. Then it starts going quicker and easier I find x

Sending you a big hug! The newborn stage is so hard and not bonding for a while is so so common.
My husband was exactly the same with our first and when I asked how he felt about her he replied "I don't like her or dislike her. She's just there" and it was hard to hear but I understood.
He didn't start to bond with her until she was about 6 months old as she began to develop a little personality, became less demanding and started to want him just as much as she wanted me.

Give it time, be gentle with yourself and don't put too much pressure on to bond.
It'll happen!
If your feelings turn darker, please see your gp xx

I think you’re right in the thick of it with a newborn and lots of people take a while to “fall in love” with their babies. It’s not instant for many people. I think if I were you I would take the pressure of myself, stop questioning how you feel about the baby and just take one day at a time.

Be a support to your wife and allow the feelings to just come naturally when they’re ready.

It’s a huge adjustment and of course you’re desperate for alone time etc but a separation is not the way to go about that.

You might have baby blues as dads can get this too. So be gentle on yourself, be there for your wife, eat well, exercise, try to take time for you with walks and moments in the day (perhaps even spend some 1:1 time with your new baby to help your bond) and don’t make any drastic decisions and definitely don’t share your doubts about relationship with your wife right now as she needs your support and stability and it’s very likely that in 6 months you’ll have a totally different more positive outlook.

Do you have any mental health support like a therapist that you could chat to instead? If you are feeling really down please speak to your GP as there is support available for you.

The newborn stage is brutal. Just keep going. It wont last long.

if you separated you would be lone co-parenting your daughter and your son, so that really isn't the solution you think it is.

if you think you have autism speak to your GP.

You need to create an attachment relationship between you. Most mums have a head start on this because they bond during pregnancy but dads often have to work on it. You create this by looking after him and enjoying special time. That means doing things like cuddling him to sleep, baby massage, carrying him around in a sling, singing to him etc. he's not a problem, he's a little person and you need to get to know him.

8 weeks is very little and you’re still in the early difficult sleepless fog of things. Park these thoughts for now and tell yourself you’ll revisit them in say a year, if necessary.
Your wife and son need you right now. You said you agreed to a second child, so now’s the time to step up and be a good dad.
’Bonding’ for either parent isn’t a given. As a mum I didn’t bond with either of my sons instantly, I was just too knackered.

Sorry, but you do sound quite self-absorbed. This time isn’t about you and your unfulfilled needs and self-actualisation so go cuddle your wife and child.

P.S. I spent a lot of time in the first few months of my babies’ lives dreaming of disappearing and running away from it all!

It’s amazing how easy hindsight is so us all saying ‘it’s a phase’ because it’s in the rear view mirror - but it is hard, and for now it is just a matter of solving the ‘problems’ as you say. Feed, change, feed, sterilise, feed, change etc.

Two things - whatever you feel at the moment, when you’re son is awake make sure you smile at him. Sounds obvious but it’s all too easy to melt into the escapism of the phone or tv - do those when he’s asleep.

Secondly, you say you think you might be on the spectrum and the way you write indicates that as well. It’s worth getting a diagnosis as there are some things that can help, from strategies to medication, and that should in turn make you feel less overwhelmed.

It’s quite normal for it take time to bond. Despite what you may have heard and the over romanticised version of parenting we see and hear, not everyone feels it right away. The important thing is that you and your wife give him all the care and attention he needs, and the rest will come.

I have a 12w old son and he’s very much my best friend (along with his two big sisters) and has been for about 6w or so. The difference is that I am mummy and he clearly adores me (I feed him and grew him). My DH has loved him this whole time but he’s starting to get giggles out of him so they’re bonding. It takes longer with men sometimes because of how reliant babies can be with their mum, especially when breastfeeding.

Don’t abandon your wife and children because this stage is tough. You’re nearly out the other side of it though and your DS will soon show his personality and love for you.

In answer to the, "why did we do it" I suppose it is tok simple to say "happy wife, happy life" but I certI ky felt like there would be some resentment if I denied her something she clearly wanted. I suppose I also thought it would be better second time around.

Tha k you for the advice

Thanks you for the advice.

May I ask what about my writing makes you think that?

Men need to wake up and realise that mental health problems happen to us all, not only women. And big life changes like a new baby can bring those feelings to the surface.
1/10 new dads can experience depression when a new baby comes along (my dp was one of them and I thought he was going to just get up and leave us)
It is ok to seek help from the gp if you're not feeling yourself. It reads like you're close to running away or giving up, which isn't the answer

I am sorry you are finding things tough and that you can't open up to your wife but I do agree with her that she doesn't want the experience ruined. I am sure in a normal situation if you were to tell her you were struggling, she'd be your rock, she must find it hard to hear you talk about your planned baby as the thing causing you so much stress. It's not like you can put him back. I don't think 8wk pp I could hear this from my dp either without telling him I don't want to hear it and to find someone stronger to listen

Really wish you the best of luck. Please, consider reaching out to men's talking charities or your GP

Good practical advice here. All the comments have been perceptive and helpful, but make sure you do this.

The more you avoid the baby because you haven't connected, the harder it will be to connect. Make sure you actually do some of the stuff babies need to survive, because that cements the connection.

I suppose I also thought it would be better second time around.

Sorry op, what do you mean by 'better second time around'? I've misunderstood as I was under the impression the first pregnancy and bonding with baby was great, based on how you talk about your daughter?

Was it much the same of how it is with your son now?

I suppose this part was mainly about the time and space thing. Having one child is (comparatively) an absolute doddle although it doesn't feel it at the time and you can still have your own time whilst being a present and active parent.

Maybe I thought with number 2 (although not 100% wanted by me) would be easier given that we have the parenting experience.

Experience will simply mean you may make different parenting choices.

This is really common and lots of people finding it is a phase. You speak about your daughter so how about as well as getting support from GP you focus your efforts on ensuring she has a positive experience. That may help you recognise you are probably doing more than you think.

Thank you for all the positive and supportive comments. It is strangely gratifying to know that feeling isn't particularly unusual.

And also the daydreaming thing. Nice to know other people have that. A small secluded converted barn with countryside views to myself is often where I go.

Ah ok thank you for clarifying, I understand now, sorry!

I actually struggle with a lot of the things you do - needing my own space and regular quiet time, so I can get why this is playing a into how you are feeling

I have just found this link via NHS mental health page hubofhope.co.uk/
You can pop in your postcode and find therapy services near you - it may help to speak to someone trained to listen

That means doing things like cuddling him to sleep, baby massage, carrying him around in a sling, singing to him

Agree with this list but I’d also strongly advise skin to skin with him.

Give it time and active engagement - do stuff for your sone, or maybe more important, do stuff for your wife. Try to imagine how it might feel to have been through pregnancy & birth, and anticipate what she might need in terms of practical help - housework, cleaning, washing, cooking.

And congratulations!

Yes to this but that's not going to help with his relationship with his son which is the topic of the thread! He should be doing that stuff as standard. It's not 'more important' than bonding with his baby

This exact thing happened to a friend of mine. He said his son was basically a sandbag until he was about 8 weeks old and started laughing. The way he told it was that they start laughing then, because they know they have broken you.

It's good that you are acknowledging how you feel. It's a big life change, babies are hard, and to be a parent is to feel guilty. Also, post natal depression can also affect men- is there any support in your area?

Just as an add on, it took me a few weeks to bond with my first (I'm mum) and I didn't feel like I loved her. I just saw her as something that I had to look after but not because I wanted to.
The love came after a while but I felt ridiculously guilty in those first few weeks.

Now both my children are the loves of my life.