My new son

[KLeonard2]

Hi, sorry if this is not appropriate but I am a dad looking for some help.

I have one older daughter and have just had a baby boy with my new wife. I did not really want to have any more children. Call me selfish but I am the kind of person who desperately needs their own space and alone time. I know parenting is not exactly conducive to this so wanted to stop at 1. My wife really wanted another child so we went ahead. To be clear I was a willing participant, I was not tricked.

My son is now 8 weeks old and I am really struggling to bond with him. I feel no great swelling of emotion for him. I don't think this was the case with my daughter but my wife says that it was a little bit. I have a great realtion with my daughter and love her more than anything. I was pleased to be having a son but when a friend messaged me saying "how's the little man, is he your best friend yet" my honest answer would have been "no, not at all". Right now he is just a problem to be solved and a phase to be gotten through.

I am self aware enough to know that I may be slightly on the spectrum so this kind of emotional connection isn't easy for me. But it also brings up feelings of guilt and shame. Why can't I just love my son like I should. I have tried to speak to my wife but she doesn't really want to engage and has said not to spoil the experience for her. I understand that it would be very difficult for her to hear that kind if thing so get her position.

I sometimes want to just dissappear and run away from being a father entirely. Something which I would never do I might add. I do feel like the problem of parenting for me might be better handled through a separation though? I love spending time with my daughter on her own so daydream a bit about a divorce where I can have quality time but also lots of alone time. But then how can that be justified? I still love my wife, we are just going through the stresses of having young children.

Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Do you have something you like talking about that not that many people are interested in? A hobby? A favorite book or film? Specialist coffee? Newborns like hearing people speak, especially voices they know well. You can talk to your son about absolutely anything. He’s too young to understand so you don’t really need to worry much about whether the content of what you’re saying is aimed at babies or not. You could give a detailed description of your favourite video game battle strategies and it’s fine. So indulge in talking about whatever topic no one ever wants to hear about with the one person in the world who will appreciate every word right now - your newborn baby. It might help that bond start to form.

I understand your feelings as l love time alone, and it prevented me from trying for children until l was running out of time!
Eventually l had two at 36 and 38.

The early years can be tough however it just gets better and better, soon they are at school and you are looking forward to having a chat at the end of the day. The bond can take a year or more but it will come.

The most useful piece of advice l was given on parenting was,
do it YOUR way

So for me that looked like spending on a one full day a weekly nanny instead of an anuual holiday.
I left the house at 9am and did not return until they were in bed, and l spent the whole day entirely alone doing whatever l felt like. It was a lifesaver for me.
It may not work for you but you get the gist..

Work out what makes you feel happy, taking your wife into complete consideration and including her needs, and plan accordingly.

BTW you sound very kind and considerate despite your struggle.

Honestly, it's perfectly normal.

My DH struggled with our DS as a baby because he always seemed to want to be comforted by me, I wouldn't say they bonded properly until he was a toddler!