Advice on sister/sisters kids

[Anisahk97]

I don’t know how to begin but basically my sister suffers with bad mental health sometimes it’s so bad she actually contemplates suicide and ends up becoming really isolated. She has 3 children, a 2 year old, a 11 year old and a 14 year old. From 2 different dads. The dads aren’t really involved in the kids life and if they are they’re really not helpful whatsoever. Firstly my sister is trying to stop 2 year olds dad from having custody in future as he had threatened to kill my sister whilst she was pregnant with his baby, he also is very aggressive and he threatens to send child back to his home country which is very dangerous especially for girls. she’s just in the process of gathering evidence incase there may be a need for a court case in future.

the other kids dad is so unbothered, he has other kids with another woman but they’re back home in his country so he has no concerns whatsoever for his children with either baby mums. So the whole point of this post was that my sister and I have had a very hard upbringing as girls we don’t get the family support that my brothers get. My mum would rather my sister not be with anyone, atm my sister is engaged to be married and my mums not supportive at all but mostly religious reasons even still my mum would prefer my sister to be single. My mum would prefer me to also be single because my mum said I quote “who would want to marry her, look at the state of her and her body” “you should stay single and look after your cats” so my mum doesn’t have faith in any of her daughters to find love and be happy. My sisters 2 older kids are really out of control and they cause my sister to have mental breakdowns practically all the time. I can’t explain what they’re like but all I can say is from my perspective they are awful children and even have caused me to have mental breakdowns. I never knew children could be this bad. So I was never with the idea that my sister should give her children up to social services and I don’t know how it works either but I don’t think she could just do that without them trying to intervene and try and make things better but it’s been many years now after my mum brought it up about giving the children up I now actually think it’s for the best although I said I’d have her youngest child as I would prefer to have her than the older ones and I would try be her sole guardian (still I don’t know how that would work) but I would really not want her going to her dad as he will kidnap her and take her to his dangerous home country.

I said I’d have her as it would give me something to do and I have a lot of experience with kids so I know how to look after them and raise them. Anyways what other options does she have? At the moment her children the 2 eldest ones are causing her grief with her fiancée and they’re trying to get married and make life better for the children but they just won’t respect anyone. They have no respect for no one. They don’t care about what they do and they’re always showing my sister up in front of fiancée and that’s a whole different story with her fiancée because that’s also something that’s causing stress but this is about the children being soooo out of control that it’s causing my sister to become extremely depressed and suicidal.

I know my sister and I know she would actually go through with it if she became so depressed. I’ve been her only family support and I’ve tried my best but her wellbeing impacts mine and I already suffer with bad mental health myself. I don’t think social services could improve the situation for her at home. If she said to them that she doesn’t want them anymore at all what would they do? How would they proceed with it? Would she ever be able to have them back? Would they contact the dads first? If she gave me her youngest and gave up her oldest 2 would they still allow me to have her youngest?

I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My mum doesn’t understand and doesn’t help or support my sister. Now I’ve already understood my mum isn’t supportive so I’m okay with that when it comes to me but my sister needs support with her kids. My mum said before she would take the 14 year old and she would live in my mums house but now my mum said no because she said that the 14 year old is going to end up like her mum (my sister) running away at 15 and getting pregnant at 16 and this time it will be worse apparently. I wish I could be of more help to my sister, I’ve already offered to take the youngest off her hands and I’m happy to do so. How would I go about this? To get guardianship of my niece?

anyone ever been in this situation before?

‘I don’t think she can just give her children up to social services without them trying to intervene to make things better’.

That thread was the biggest shitshow I’ve ever come across on my ten years on mumsnet. Those children have been dragged up by a mentally ill mum, experiencing and witnessing abuse from their fathers. And all you can talk about is how nasty they are. They’re fucked up kids being brought up by fucked up parents. And instead of doing the normal and sensible thing of contacting social services so they can ‘intervene and make things better’, you what her to dump the 2 you don’t like into the care system, and split the youngest up from their siblings as you quite like the thought of looking after that one. For the love of all that’s holy, please get some professional help instead of plotting on completely destroying what’s left of these poor children’s lives

👀👀👀

Please don't have kids, and kindly don't take guardianship of your niece either.

Kids grow up, they aren't always sweet and kind. They cause trouble. They get jealous. They get into problems with other kids. They act up. They can be rude, disrespectful.

Maybe it's time for your sister to put on her big girl pants and mother her children and not worry about getting a fiancée right now - prioritise the needs of her children and bring them up to be better adults.

Social services don't and won't just take people's children cause "they don't want them anymore"

Should have thought about that before having them.

I think you failed to understand what I’m trying to say. How can someone who has no family support, who has bad mental health BECAUSE OF HER KIDS, whose kids threaten her day in day out figure out a solution??? For the past 8 years we have been trying to figure things out and yet to no avail. You need to understand some people didn’t plan to bring a child into the world. I’d like to look after the younger one as I would prefer it as I can’t look after the elders I wouldn’t mentally be able to cope with the things they do and the way they are you have no idea. They don’t even like their youngest sister. So that’s why I would happily look after her and maybe I’d be able to raise her better. Why would I take on 3 children that I simply cannot take ? I would give my sister some ease by taking one of her children from her. I love my niece and nephew but they are beyond anyone’s control.

I simply run out of options, I’ve been trying to stop my sister from killing herself multiple times. You think I ain’t tried ? I’ve tried and this affects me a lot too. But again you wouldn’t even have an ounce of empathy to people who are in really impossible situations. The children lack stability, she’s trying to give them stability.

i come here for advice on maybe some kind of solution or way to go about things and I get you talking shit to me. Thanks for that

Why should I have kids or take my niece of my sisters hands? I’m more than capable of raising children.

also these are just badly behaved children, they are not the kind of kids you see on super nanny either. These children deliberately cause problems for everyone in the family to the point where no one wants them or wants to help them. Yeah I blame my sister for the way they are but I also think these kids could just consider their mums feelings just once Instead of driving her to suicide.

She believes she needs to get married so she can have some stability in her life and also actually have some support since no one else wants to give her any. So far her fiancée helps her a lot when it comes to money and being there for emergencies etc it seems the children also need a father figure in their life as that’s what’s caused a lot of problems for them not having that in their life which caused instability.

I am aware social services don’t just take peoples kids hence I asked for advice on people who have been through something similar, how would they go about it and how would social services deal with the issue. Both you and the other person clearly didn’t need to respond as you haven’t even been in this situation before and your inputs were just quite pointless I must say

They aren’t badly behaved children they are deeply traumatised children who need help!

what trauma did they go through exactly? And you right they aren’t badly behaved they are way worse and nobody wants them because of the things they do because badly behaved children don’t even do those things.

If the two year old's dad is "very aggressive" that won't be helping matters.

In general children do do much better if they are able to stay with their parent. They are bonded to their mum now, and if they went into the care system then the evidence is that they would have a very difficult time.
At the end of the day children are humans and humans do best if they are with the people they attached to as babies.

If your sister is struggling and you are finding it difficult to offer support because of your own mental health then take a bit of a break if you need to.

If her ex has been "aggressive" she might be able to get help from women's aid with counselling and advice on parenting children and teens.

Babes, it ain’t the kids fault. Call social services and that might give them a slight chance in life.
I strongly advise that you stay clear of them, because you really don’t get what PPs are saying.

poor kids

The children didn't ask to be put into this situation. Your sister chose to give birth to three children and has brought them up in a chaotic home with abusive men around them. This has damaged them and caused unwanted behaviours. It is not their fault. Children need a stable mum In order for them to thrive and be settled thiese kids have never had that. Stop blaming them they are a product of their environment. You do not seem to be able to understand this. I do not think you would be suitable to raise the 2 year old. Your sister needs to get proper help I seriously hope this new bloke is a good person and not going to mess them all up even more ? It's the kids I feel sorry for in all of this what chance did they stand.

Thanks for being nice, the youngest kids dad is aggressive but sis is gathering evidence incase he wants to try and take custody of their daughter because he threatened it many times and threatened to kidnap her. She’s also gonna have camera installed but my sisters other children have been causing issues telling him that she’s been abusing them 🙄 I have told her about women’s aid as I told her she may of needed to go into a refuge at some point

like I said I blame the mum for it but hey what can I do, I try stop my sis from kill herself and I try give her more support but her children are beyond out of control. I don’t know of any other solutions apart from social services so idk why people are being mean to me for even thinking that was a good idea to begin with

her fiancée is actually a decent bloke tbh, he’s been very supportive but when he sees the kids trying to sabotage his relationship with my sister it pushes him away and I did say to her maybe he’s not man enough but then again I can’t say that cos he’s never had kids and he for sure believes he would never have kids like my sisters. The fact he’s giving my sis a chance knowing fully well what these children are like shows a lot about him and I applaud him. I feel sorry for all of them having to deal with each other. Whether or not it’s the kids fault or not sometimes you have children who are hella spoilt and have the best upbringing yet they are awful to their parents and cause problems. Anyways I could definitely raise a 2 year old, I practically raised other peoples children for a good few years when they decided to dump them on me.

I don’t know why people are being mean to me for simply even suggest giving the kids up or getting social services involved when there’s literally no other choice apart from my sister sucks it up until she doesn’t and decides to kill herself and then well the kids will really be fucked up and blame themselves for it won’t they

She doesn’t have bad mental health because of her kids. She has bad mental health in part because her mum is abusive and she has been the victim of domestic abuse.
her children have grown up seeing this abuse, they didn’t just appear in their teens with poor behaviour.

You do not take a 2 year old for ‘something to do’

Leading ^

The two year old could stand a good chance of foster home and hopefully adoption. The older two however would most likely be in a children's home which isn't going to do them any good This thread is just so sad. Who do people have children when they arnt capable of giving them a loving stable home life ? It's really tragic.

@whyhavetheygotsomany

I was so angry reading the ops posts.

Not a single relative in those children's lives has their best interest at heart.

Your posts are disgusting, op, these are children who’ve had a shitty, awful time of it, between a suicidal mother, one man in their life being aggressive and violent and one just not caring about them, family members around them who drip with contempt and judgement… they’re not ‘bad, awful’ children, they’re traumatised, unhappy and struggling and if you can’t see that, the last thing you should be doing is even thinking of taking on the two year old. Raising a two year old is not just something to do, for fucks sake.

These children are acting out.

They have a seriously mentally ill mother, violent and aggressive fathers, a family culture that denigrates girls and women.

Their behaviour is an expression of how it feels to them to be a part of this family.

Is not a question of "fault" - the kids can be traumatised without it being your sister's fault.

But it is what it is - these kids need professional help from someone who has the capacity to understand what is going on for them and pay proper attention to it.

They aren't trying to "make" your sister take her own life. They are acting out - which is acting out your terrible feelings with no insight at all into what you are doing or what is really going on.

For all 3 children's' sake, I think you should report to social services and tell them the whole story.

Then take a huge step back. Be a shoulder to lean on for your sis, but more than anything you should be encouraging her to engage with whatever support she's offered.

Those children need love, guidance, stability, and more love. Not blame, criticism, aggression and to know that their family have washed their hands if them.

You don't know why people are being mean to you for suggesting she gives up her children?

They. Are. Her. Children.

If someone told me to give up my children, I'd move hell and high waters to get away from that toxic energy.

This world is weird. I want to get off.

Apart from me??

Because she’s gonna kill herself that’s why..

That’s what I’ve been doing until recently I just honestly didn’t know what to do or say because I’ve been so nice and supportive to my sis and her children but they can be really awful to her.