Advice on sister/sisters kids

[Anisahk97]

I don’t know how to begin but basically my sister suffers with bad mental health sometimes it’s so bad she actually contemplates suicide and ends up becoming really isolated. She has 3 children, a 2 year old, a 11 year old and a 14 year old. From 2 different dads. The dads aren’t really involved in the kids life and if they are they’re really not helpful whatsoever. Firstly my sister is trying to stop 2 year olds dad from having custody in future as he had threatened to kill my sister whilst she was pregnant with his baby, he also is very aggressive and he threatens to send child back to his home country which is very dangerous especially for girls. she’s just in the process of gathering evidence incase there may be a need for a court case in future.

the other kids dad is so unbothered, he has other kids with another woman but they’re back home in his country so he has no concerns whatsoever for his children with either baby mums. So the whole point of this post was that my sister and I have had a very hard upbringing as girls we don’t get the family support that my brothers get. My mum would rather my sister not be with anyone, atm my sister is engaged to be married and my mums not supportive at all but mostly religious reasons even still my mum would prefer my sister to be single. My mum would prefer me to also be single because my mum said I quote “who would want to marry her, look at the state of her and her body” “you should stay single and look after your cats” so my mum doesn’t have faith in any of her daughters to find love and be happy. My sisters 2 older kids are really out of control and they cause my sister to have mental breakdowns practically all the time. I can’t explain what they’re like but all I can say is from my perspective they are awful children and even have caused me to have mental breakdowns. I never knew children could be this bad. So I was never with the idea that my sister should give her children up to social services and I don’t know how it works either but I don’t think she could just do that without them trying to intervene and try and make things better but it’s been many years now after my mum brought it up about giving the children up I now actually think it’s for the best although I said I’d have her youngest child as I would prefer to have her than the older ones and I would try be her sole guardian (still I don’t know how that would work) but I would really not want her going to her dad as he will kidnap her and take her to his dangerous home country.

I said I’d have her as it would give me something to do and I have a lot of experience with kids so I know how to look after them and raise them. Anyways what other options does she have? At the moment her children the 2 eldest ones are causing her grief with her fiancée and they’re trying to get married and make life better for the children but they just won’t respect anyone. They have no respect for no one. They don’t care about what they do and they’re always showing my sister up in front of fiancée and that’s a whole different story with her fiancée because that’s also something that’s causing stress but this is about the children being soooo out of control that it’s causing my sister to become extremely depressed and suicidal.

I know my sister and I know she would actually go through with it if she became so depressed. I’ve been her only family support and I’ve tried my best but her wellbeing impacts mine and I already suffer with bad mental health myself. I don’t think social services could improve the situation for her at home. If she said to them that she doesn’t want them anymore at all what would they do? How would they proceed with it? Would she ever be able to have them back? Would they contact the dads first? If she gave me her youngest and gave up her oldest 2 would they still allow me to have her youngest?

I just honestly don’t know what to do anymore. My mum doesn’t understand and doesn’t help or support my sister. Now I’ve already understood my mum isn’t supportive so I’m okay with that when it comes to me but my sister needs support with her kids. My mum said before she would take the 14 year old and she would live in my mums house but now my mum said no because she said that the 14 year old is going to end up like her mum (my sister) running away at 15 and getting pregnant at 16 and this time it will be worse apparently. I wish I could be of more help to my sister, I’ve already offered to take the youngest off her hands and I’m happy to do so. How would I go about this? To get guardianship of my niece?

anyone ever been in this situation before?

You've stated none of your family want them around. Including you!

It sounds as though you and your sister were poorly parented and your sister is continuing the cycle with her kids.

Contact early help at your sister's local council, they're the people best placed to support her and her kids and will refer to other agencies if necessary.

I can’t take all the children though? I can take the youngest as I know I could raise her well and she would be easier to control than the others. And yes unfortunately no one else wants them but you’d think that children know when they’ve upset or hurt someone by the visible signs that my sister shows but they just make it worse and worse and worse. They don’t care at all for my sister. I know for a fact there’s other children out there who would give even the slightest amount of care about their mothers. These children do not. I’ve witnessed it with my own eyes. Other people who aren’t part of the family have witnessed it. All I’ve witnessed is my sister trying her best to be a good mother and ungrateful children who instead of cutting their mother some slack they just push her to the edge. You again have no idea what she’s dealing with it’s not the average shit you see on super nanny. Even I had a mental breakdown because of how they were when they stayed at mine. Again you guys must be living extraordinary amazing easy going lives because unfortunately some people really don’t have it easy and my sister is one of them. But anyways I see how I was so wrong to have posted on here, this ain’t parents supportive parents this is bashing anyone who is in impossible situationsz. Children are sweet amazing angels but teenagers have a brain and should know better.

OP, this isn't an impossible situation. There are options. The most obvious one being to call SS.

Can you really not see the situation the elder children's perspective - they've been brought up in an unstable and sometimes scary situation and have no one around them who loves them or shows them love.

And from the baby's perspective, she's had an unstable childhood surrounded by conflict and anxiety. And then you want to take her on 'for something to do'.

I don't think you're listening to the reasoned and experienced posts on this thread. You're determined to read attack when most posts are simply trying to point out the unwise approach you seem to want to take and the unfair nastiness to the older children.

Oh, and I've reported your post which disgustingly uses the 'r' word. Shame on you.

Social services do need to be involved here. It's not just about children being taken into care, but to get support in place for the whole family.

The older children behave the way they do because they've not had a secure, nurturing upbringing and they need help. Your sister needs help.

Please do some reading on early help and trauma related behaviour in children. Talk to your sister about asking social services for help. Help her get the right support in place.

The children are a product of what is clearly generations of people parenting who shouldn't be. They are traumatized and that trauma has obviously occured since their birth, so yes they will be horrific because they have been through hell.

Social services should have been involved earlier to give them a chance in life. Engage with them now do not take any of them in you don't understand what trauma brings and these children need that. With respect it is clear you yourself has been impacted by your upbringing.

The first thing child services will do if she tells them she can no longer care for the children is contact their fathers. No you cannot just take guardianship of the youngest, especially not when her father is willing to step up. You'd be hard put to prove that he was bad enough he should have parental responsibility removed. Its really really hard to do.

People are being 'mean' because you are blaming children that have been through a shit load of trauma for the way that trauma is making them behave. Having a mentally ill suicidal mother is traumatic, having a father that doesn't GAF about you as a young child is traumatic. Having an abusive stepfather is traumatic. Seeing/hearing your mum being abused is traumatic. Of course deeply traumatised kids who have suffered through having an abusive step father aren't going to welcome a new step father. Her priority should be her children and none of you are putting them first.

Please contract social services.

This is a difficult and upsetting situation for all of you. You all need help with it. Contact social services and explain the situation and see what help they can provide. It probably won't be exactly what you want but they will do their best ro meet the needs of all the children. If the father's are unsuitable, make this clear to them. Your sister needs help and support, you really need to get th professionals in on your side.

I'm really sorry youve had such a tough childhood.

There are a lot of worrying things here and one of them - that you want to take the 2 year old because she will be "easier to control" is especially horrifying.
There ia long family history of abuse and trauma here and even if you are trying to help I doubt you are actually helping the children.
Your main motivation is to stop your sister from killing herself, which is fair enough but its not just her children that are making her feel like that.
The adults and children in this situation need professional and qualified help and the best way to get that will be from SS

What an awfully depressing situation . Those poor children have been totally failed by their parents , the best thing would be too adopt the younger child totally out of this car crash family and give her a chance of a good life . I fear it's too late for the older two who have been lost to trauma that will affect their lives forever .

STOP BLAMING THE KIDS!!!
The adults in their lives caused all these problems and you are as much use as a chocolate teapot.
They would be better off in local authority care