So depressed. Will it ever change?

[Al991]

I have a 10 month old baby girl and at the moment I hate every aspect of my life. She still doesn’t sleep and so it’s been almost a year since i have slept more than 4 hours at a time or more than 6 hours a night. I am exhausted and yet I spend my entire day having to be endlessly patient, constantly clean up food and try to stop her from crawling around and wreaking havoc.

i don’t enjoy spending time with her or playing anymore. I’m too tired, she’s too loud. I just count down the hours til nap time. She’s going to nursery soon and I should be enjoying these last few weeks but honestly I can’t wait. All I think about is the next time I might get a break - but even then it won’t help because I’ll be sleep deprived.

my partner cannot help at night and works long hours. I think I was naive but I did think by 10m things would feel easier. I feel worse than ever. I absolutely hate being alive from the minute I wake up.

does it ever get easier? When??? I thought it would be getting better as we approached a year but nope.

please no comments about post natal depression. Yes clearly I am depressed the GP knows. But what the hell are they going to do - they can’t get me sleep or change the fact that I spend all day wishing I was someone else.

Oh this sounds really hard. I know you say you're aware you're depressed, but I do think you should speak to your GP again. Most babies aren't sleeping through the night at ten months but most people don't feel the way you do, so that means the tiredness isn't the only factor at play and you might feel much more positive and able to face the day if you are able to have antidepressants.
Apart from that, I'd go for walks (things don't seem as loud outside) or stay and play baby groups where she can crawl and rampage and it doesn't matter. Best of luck!

Oh OP, I’ve been there, I could have written your post a few years ago. The sleepless nights are torture. Anyone who hasn’t been through it can NEVER understand. It is so hard and relentless. My DC wouldn’t take a bottle (we spent thousands on trying to get them to) and would only fall to sleep with breastfeeding. DC1 woke up every 45 mins for the first 10 months, I was exhausted, so I 100% understand.

It DOES get better. Hold onto that, ignore everyone who says ‘wait until they are toddlers etc’ - those people had easy babies. She will sleep and you will get back some normality. Going back to work really helped me. Toddler stages have been lovely (don’t get me wrong they have their moments) but nothing like what you are going through now. Once they start talking and you can understand what they need and why they are crying everything feels easier. And once they sleep, sleep helps everything.

I had another and, touchwood, DC2 sleeps much better than DC1 and I now understand when people say oh toddlers are harder. But you will not feel that way, trust me, it will just get easier from here on.

The days feel long as you are exhausted, the nights you dread as you know it will be relentless. I feel so much for you, it’s so hard. But it does get easier and you will get through this ♥️♥️♥️. I think going back to work will help. Just know it gets easier, and this will one day be a memory, when you are cuddling your little toddler and she is telling you how much she loves you - it is blissful. Or when they make you laugh 100 times a day with the silly things they say.

Mum of twins here. The sleep deprivation is a killer.

And then you are a sleep deprived parent, and that's difficult for anyone. I was lucky, mine only did this for 3 months, but for those 3 months I was short, snappy, miserable, and like you, just waiting for them to sleep.

It's not forever. I know right now it feels like it is. But it's not, I promise. And nursery is a game changer. Count down the days. Don't feel guilty. You're understandably exhausted.

People use sleep deprivation as a torture method, just remember that, when you've been sleep deprived for 10 months. You're doing incredibly.

Sleep training, she's old enough for that.

Latest research shows that without it there's a high probability of similar sleeping issues throughout toddler years as the children never learn to self soothe and get enough sleep at night.
And then are in a 'vicious circle' of tiredness and consequent bad sleep.

It does get better op I promise. Been there honestly and I know how debilitating the grind and lack of sleep is.

You might find that the switch up to nursery means slightly longer sleep. Hang on in there

Yes it gets better. A lot better. 18 months was a real turning point for me. Really didn't enjoy much before then. From 18 months it gets better and better with a blip from about 14-18. Hang on in there. Each day that passes is a day closer to more enjoyable times.

What helped me was to treat it like a job. I didn't have to enjoy it - I just had to do it.

Have you tried sleep training OP? I was like you on month 7 - I spent £120 on a sleep consultant and it was the best £120 I ever spent. Honestly it only took my babe about two nights to get the gist, it was like he wanted it as much as I did. I know sleep training isn’t for everyone, but it sounds like it’s 100% the right thing for you, and just know that there are lots of different sorts, I did a fairly gentle one and it really did work wonders for me, him and my husband. Do it!

Oh god yes, the first year is by far the hardest. Utter misery, unless you have lots of help or a miracle baby who sleeps through. I didn't! I cried every day, but refused a depression diagnosis because I knew it was just stress and exhaustion, as you say.

It gets better, for sure. Every year that passes it gets easier. Don't worry, there's plenty of time to play and spend time with them. Older babies and toddlers are hilarious.

Daytime routines helped me with the sleep through. With subsequent children, I had less time to fuss around them at bed/nap times, and they slept better for it.

Is there anyone else who can take her for a while so you can catch up on sleep?

I know your DH is working but surely he doesn't work 7 days a week. Can't you take yourself off to bed for the day while he's home?

Having a baby was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. And I understand completely how bloody awful you must be feeling right now. I promise you that it gets better. At different times for everyone as every baby is unique but it. Will. Get. Better.

You will get your life back. Just hang on in there. Go to sleep at 7pm if you have to. Whatever you need to do to get through these early months.

OP I read a book which explained that in mother and baby units for women who have severe PND they do not even try to treat the PND until the mothers are no longer sleep deprived. It has such a massive impact on how enjoyable life is. It is literally a tool of torture. You are swimming against the tide right now, you need a break and don’t feel guilty about looking forward to nursery. No advice, just hoping you get more sleep soon and better days will follow.

I don't understand why your partner can't help at night? Yes he works long hours but surely not 7 days a week?! He should be doing at least one night and into the morning like not waking you till lunchtime if it's only the one night off you get.

I had a child who never slept till she was almost two and I was single mum to two young children. It was hell. My advice is fuck your evening couple time and go to bed when baby goes to bed. I was going to bed at 7pm with the kids for a good couple years

Cosleeping and patience, taking a day at a time and also some post natal therapy helped me to hold it together in the first year. My dd is 2.5 now and definitely easier, it does get better incrementally.
As someone’s said above, this is the hardest thing I’ve done, bearing in mind I arrived in the UK penniless 20+ years ago and worked my way from nothing to a six figure salary, having a child felt harder than that!

Anyone going through your level of sleep deprivation would be miserable. Take away the word should. Is there anyone around to help before start of nursery or do you have anyone funds to pay for mothers help or cleaner even?What is plan for nursery? Are you back to work or will you be able to have any time to yourself?

cosleeping doesn’t help as she sleeps worse. Partner literally cannot/will not do nights. All nights are mine and no one can help. I am exhausted and pretty much wish I could just end things but obviously daughter needs me. Which makes me feel worse because I’m trapped in this hell. Have fantasises of being in a mother and baby unit to be honest but doubt I could do that because I’m not bad enough.

going to get a play pen for her so she can do some independent play which might give me more rest time and if all else fails I might just go back to work tbh. It’ll be easier.

Oh my goodness it DOES get better, it gets so much better. I felt like this with my first. Found the full thing exhausting, and incredibly boring at the same time. Life was a constant stream of battles over getting dressed, nappy changes, trying to keep her from killing herself and getting into mischief, cleaning mess, throwing food, cooking with a screaming child at my legs. I remember how much I would just count the minutes until nap time/ bed time/ husband coming home just so I could have a break. I didn’t enjoy it at all. Anyway she’s 3.5 now and she is amazing, just amazing, funny, smart interesting, sleeps all night, eats without throwing food, I can have a shower in peace, cook dinner, go shopping, go for lunch everything is sooooo much better.

I now have a 14 month old and I love him so much but I still find the whole thing as tedious as before and tbh I’ve never really enjoyed the whole “playing” thing (who does? It’s boring af) but the BIGGEST difference is my mind set. I know now how good it gets and this truly is just a phase to better times. I’ve realised I just don’t really like babies even though I love mine! When it’s your first you obviously don’t know what’s ahead of you and it’s so daunting not knowing what the future is but I promise it gets better.

Also if youre planning on going back to work soon and putting her in nursery anyway, start nursery now if finances allow. I found as soon as I went back to work and life went back to “normal” things felt so much better.

Your " partner " is being selfish, do they work 7 days a week?
If not then on their day off is there somewhere you can go or afford a hotel room?
You are so depressed you can't see a way out, it's a dangerous place to be, they need to take some of the load off now.
Are they expecting it to stay the same when you go back to work? You doing all nights anyway? Wtf kind of BS is that?

It does get better I promise. I remember it being hell on earth at this point with my first. Drop everything and prioritise sleep.
Once they get past 1 year old it gets so so much better. I hated all day every day at around that point too no matter how much I loved my son.
My first born was an AWFUL sleeper. I was having vertigo and hallucinating from the sleep deprivation. How you feel is normal, you are not alone and IT WILL PASS!!!!

Yes that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I go back to work. I know it’s total bullshit and the reason why I’m so depressed but it’s been 10 months of trying to change it and it just causes arguments etc. I mean what am I gonna do- if I leave I’ll be even more on my own and the odd weekend nap will be gone even.

Came here to say what a PP said - sleep train. Lots of different methods and can be brutal but I went from no sleep and losing my mind to a baby that slept through the night in a week and couldn't believe it. Unless there's other circumstances or medical reasons etc I think sleep training is pretty effective and 10months is a great time to do it. Unless you are super against it for whatever reason (no judgement) then maybe give it a go, you sound at the end of your tether so a week of following a plan isn't going to be much worse than a week of your baby not sleeping.

If you can afford a consultant you'll find enough online to get going, we did gradual retreat (although we did use a consultant) and could have followed it off a piece of paper I just like the reassurance of a person to talk it through with

Sertraline saved my life when I was feeling like this. I'd also recommend a come to Jesus showdown with your partner. If he's no help then you may as well be a single parent and get whatever support is available. I can't believe someone that's meant to love you could watch you get tortured by sleep deprivation. I'm so sorry xx

Sleep train. Sleep is the thing that is making everything else bad. Pick a method and stick to it. You and your baby will both be happier

I should be enjoying these last few weeks but honestly I can’t wait.

Please get rid of the word SHOULD. There is no should. You don’t enjoy it and that is FINE. Loads of women don’t. You will see OP, you will feel a million times better back at work.

Partner sounds like a prat though.

I feel like you're giving your 'D'P an easy ride here to your extreme detriment, although I totally understand that when you're running on empty it is very difficult to fight back. You say ’cannot/will not help' - cannot, ie out of the house working nightshifts 7 days a week, may excuse him from nights but not from letting you have time to catch up in the day. Will not is another matter - what is his logic to refuse? Have you told him how close to breaking point you are? What was his response? If you've told him the sleep deprivation is causing suicidal thoughts and he still won't help then, as I'm sure you know, you've got bigger problems.

Short term solutions:
As PPs, sleep train. No matter your views on it in an ideal world, there comes a tipping point where not doing it and the accompanying sleep deprivation is the greater evil.
Prioritise your sleep over everything except the baby's immediate needs until you have caught up enough to function. Sleep when the baby sleeps including going to bed when they do - who wants to spend their evenings making small talk with such a selfish uncaring arse anyway? Will he look after the baby during the day when he's not working? If he won't facilitate your sleep at home, then I would be 'popping out to the shops' to have a car nap in Tesco's car park. Once your head is clearer, consider if this relationship still has legs.