So depressed. Will it ever change?

[Al991]

I have a 10 month old baby girl and at the moment I hate every aspect of my life. She still doesn’t sleep and so it’s been almost a year since i have slept more than 4 hours at a time or more than 6 hours a night. I am exhausted and yet I spend my entire day having to be endlessly patient, constantly clean up food and try to stop her from crawling around and wreaking havoc.

i don’t enjoy spending time with her or playing anymore. I’m too tired, she’s too loud. I just count down the hours til nap time. She’s going to nursery soon and I should be enjoying these last few weeks but honestly I can’t wait. All I think about is the next time I might get a break - but even then it won’t help because I’ll be sleep deprived.

my partner cannot help at night and works long hours. I think I was naive but I did think by 10m things would feel easier. I feel worse than ever. I absolutely hate being alive from the minute I wake up.

does it ever get easier? When??? I thought it would be getting better as we approached a year but nope.

please no comments about post natal depression. Yes clearly I am depressed the GP knows. But what the hell are they going to do - they can’t get me sleep or change the fact that I spend all day wishing I was someone else.

Would anyone be able to give advice or guidance about sleep training methods? I’m a bit clueless. I’m also not very good at letting baby cry!!!

Yes nights a definite issue in our relationship. DP sleeps like the dead and doesn’t rouse when baby cries so whenever we’ve tried to have him do nights I end up doing them anyway because after 20 mins of crying you just do!! We did talk yesterday about me going to a hotel so that even if this does happen I won’t hear it and baby will be fine with a bit of crying. Obviously I can’t stay in a hotel every night/weekend but it’s a start. I know it sounds like an excuse but honestly she can be in full scream mode next to his face and he’s there snoring!! So it’s not as simple as just asking him to do a night. Did talk some more yesterday about how he can help more during the day.

the relationship in general is a bit shit but not ready to be a single parent or be completely skint right now. Plus ANY support is welcome.

Sleep train.

Ah, the old 'sorry, I was so deeply asleep I didn't hear the baby'... This is one of those things where in the short term it absolutely is easier to just do it yourself, but long term you run yourself into the ground. Wake him up every single time it is his turn, even if initially you don't get any more sleep as a result. It sounds like DC isn't the only one needing to undergo sleep training! Our brains are amazing at tuning in and out specific sounds and waking us if necessary: when DD2 was born, DD1 still woke a lot in the night so we split it so I did DD2 (as was breastfeeding) but DH did everything related to DD1. It was amazing how quickly I stopped waking at all when DD1 woke crying but was bolt upright the moment DD2 stirred. Some mornings I would ask DH if he was OK as he looked like death for him to say DD1 had been up 4 or 5 times: "didn't you hear her?" Nope!

In terms of sleep training, it was some years ago now (DD1 is 10yo), but we did controlled crying. The first couple of nights were awful and it wasn't a complete fix, but it made a huge improvement for all.

just to be clear I am not being understanding, forgiving or kind to my partner. I will never forgive him for this our relationship is essentially over and when I have the time and energy that’ll probably be the end of it because I have been put through months of torture. But things are not going to change

When you’re in a strong enough place to leave, him having your kid even every other weekend gives you a weekend you aren’t getting right now.
If a partner is so crap they may as well be another child you genuinely can be better on your own and have MORE time to yourself, not less.
I do think going back to work will help. Work feels like a day off for me now. All the “stresses” of my job before are nothing to me now. I positively look forward to work!
Can you put baby into nursery earlier? Other than finances (and gold dust nursery places) there’s nothing to say you have to be back at work to use a nursery. A day or two, or a couple of half days, would do you the world of good.

Thank you. I think I will send her back a bit earlier. Probably only a week or 2 in advance as this is all I can afford on zilch mat pay.

tbh I’ve always thought parenting as a separated couple sounds quite nice lol

Is she breast or bottle fed? Do you offer milk in night? Can she fall asleep by herself? Does she have a dummy?

We had a terrible sleeper we tried all sorts. The only things that worked were teaching him to go to sleep. Stopping offering milk inthe night and getting rid of the dummy. As these were the reason he was waking.

After that he slept 9-7. (He was about 18m) Once nap dropped (age 3) he slept 7-7.

Do you have a routine in day ? I found it helped. So at that age we would get up about 7am do breakfast/dress he have a quick nap (having been up in night) I'd get ready/tidy round. Then we would go out - playgroup/park/walk/swimming/meet a friend etc. We would come home do lunch and then he have his long nap (2 hours) and I would either sleep, bath or chill out. That was my time off. Then we would play abit or go in garden. Then tea. By then dh would be home so he have baby and I'd clean up. He would do bath and bed. And I would be in bed by about 8pm. Dh would do any wakings up to midnight. Giving me a straight 4 hours then I would grab any sleep I could. (Usually 2-3 broken hours)

If your partner is so useless now, I can’t imagine he will be able to cope on his own for a weekend. He sounds like a dead weight in any case. You’d be better off without him.

@Al991 hi there, so I had a none sleeper where even by the book Ferber for the recommended 2 weeks didn't work.

At around 11 months I sat at the top of our stairs thinking hmmm if I "fell" down now, maybe I'd be ok but just bad enough for a night or 2 in hospital and then immediately snapped out of it thinking wtf was that?! We did Ferber and it was a disaster (but works for many others, I'm just giving my personal experience)

Things that started working for us-

Ds hated his big cot and never settled co sleeping. But he did love the travel cot at my parents (sometimes I'd stay with him there, he wasn't having sleepovers) I'm only 5 foot so I'd literally sit in there with him, feed/cuddle him to sleep and gently move him off my lap then step out of the travel cot. People though I was mad but it worked! He still woke in the night but we were both comfy and it took away the "lowering down the bomb" dilemma.

I'd go to bed early, like 8/9pm early.

My husband couldn't do nights, but he was excellent in the day - taking him in the morning/taking him out at weekends/doing more around the house. If your husband isn't doing nights, can he/would he step up in the day or evening/weekends at least?

Stopped beating myself up. I'd sob on the floor sometimes asking what am I doing so wrong that out baby can't sleep "like the others" but honestly it's such a waste of energy and I wish I had realised that sooner.

How's your daughter in other areas op? Is there anything where you feel happier, even a little? Being outside or at groups, around your family? I know it's really small because you're struggling so much but anything that feels even a bit positive might help.

I was terrified of being a single parent. But then after becoming one, I realised that life actually became easier. Because of wasn't bogged down by resentment. And there wasn't some fuckwit taking a shit and having a shave leaving hair everywhere 20 mins after I finished cleaning the bathroom.

How are you feeling now op xx