Please help me to arrange some playdates for shy, unsociable dd1 (5) - how long, what food, when wahhhhhhhh, I have no idea.

[Oliveoil]

She said to MIL this morning that she liked school yesterday as "people played with her in the playground instead of leaving her on her own like normal [heart slowly breaks into bits]

Teacher says she is slow to make friends but seems happy on her own watching.

I think she needs to be encouraged (taught?) how to socialise and play with others.

So I am thinking playdates but have not done any before and am at a loss. Do you just march up to the parent and ask their child to play? when do you do it - after school, weekends? how long? what do you serve? Do you take them back after or do parents come to collect? WHAT IS THE NORM???!!

please tell me the 'rules' so I can sort something out

Thanks

Smile and say 'hello' to other parents at pick up and drop off. Ask dd which children she would like to invite. Get her to point said children out to you. Go up to the mother and say 'hello, I'm X's Mum, she's asked if Y can come and play - is next Wednesday/whatever any good for you?' Then, when you've checked diaries, swap mobile numbers.

Usually do it after school, for 90 minutes to an hour, parents collect at the end. Feed 'em - snack when we get in, tea at 5 but always ask about that as sometimes parents are going off to something else etc. etc. or there are foods the little cherubs don't like/are allergic to.

well, round these parts, yes, you just march up to parent in playground and say, 'Would X like to come to tea once day next week?'

After school works best (shorter time!). Usually suggest pick-up at about 6/6.30.

Hi Olive

Longstanding mumsnetter here who has recently undergone namechange.

One thing that really helped shy and aloof DS1 was some get-togethers with other mumsnetters and their boys of a similar age [forever in your debt, Frogs and Bink].

On playdates generally, I am probably the worst person by a country mile to advise, but we have done playdates both after school and at weekends. I quite like Saturday afternoon playdates myself. If you are worried about how dd1 will be playing with her guest, you could maybe make some fairy cakes in advance and then they could decorate them.

I always do the after school, keeping the weekends free for family time.
So once you have asked the mum and arranged a day, then you collect your child plus friend from school. Snack when you get in. Leave them to play, or if they are unsure get some things ready like dressing up, crafts etc.
Tea at 5. Check for alllergies with parent of course. Standard tea fare round here seems to be fishfingers, mash, carrots and peas, or the good old spag bol option. (I do spag bol and then bowls with raw carrots/cucumber/tomato for them to help themselves)
Parents collect usually at 6.

I always really dread playdates and try not to do them too often, but actually they usually go allright and the children do enjoy them

I would start with after school play dates for a couple of hours. So you collect said friend from school and then either offer to take her home or arrange collection for about 6. This will include tea which would best be something that you know your DD likes and is generally popular among children but I am a bit snobbish about this so don't like to just wack out chicken nuggets and smiley faces. So I quite often go for sausage and mash. If the child has school dinners you could do a picnic style tea. Quite often have ice-cream afterwards, or maybe fruit and ice-cream. Or just a yoghurt is fine.

Thanks

I do know a lot of the mums from playgroup and several years of trying to make friends (to no avail, am on nodding terms mainly, no idea why noone wants to be my friend, I am fecking fabulous ) so will be ok to go up to them

the problem is dd1 didn't want to do playdates but I feel I need to 'force' the issue to encourage her a bit

I may set up some beads or dolls so they can be distracted and they won't be sat in silence staring at each other

I have found with dd1 (who sounds a little like yours) that I need ot have a planned activity so that she doesn't get overwhelmed.

She is 7 now, and happy to do whatever she and her friensd decide, but I used to have some crafts out or somehting.

And I would choose a child that you like

(I find most children annoying tbh, including my own...!)

It's not too long really by the time you have got home from school and you have tea to fit in. I think you should go for it really.

I think we need to do it

I am thinking that if they play at home, then they will play at school and she will not be a loner as much

The good thing is (assuming you find an appropriate friend) that they entertain each other, the bad thing is that you can have issues with the younger sibling IME.

as in them wanting to join in? yes, dd2 is quite forceful and will no doubt play and ruin my plans of teaching dd1 to socialise

what is sad is, that when we are the playground all dd1's friends run up to dd2

I need a huge roll of cotton wool or bubble wrap for her, bless

I agree that you need to force encourage DD1 to try playdates, she'll probably be nervous in advance but end up having a fab time. No point in my putting what everybody else has said re hwo to arrange/what to eat etc but I wanted to add my 2p that I think you're going along the right lines.

When my DD has playdates, DS always wants to join in (to DD's eternal frustration) so I usually let DD and mate play upstairs for a bit while I do something with DS ("roarrrr" said the dinosaur) )

BTW I, too, am on nodding terms with most mums but haven't made "friends" with them. Whcih is odd, as I too am fabulous.

Yes might be wise to have something (making cripsy buns for after tea so she can proudly produce her efforts?) lined up for DD2 so she doesn't sabotage your efforts. Obviously after said friend has been a couple of times I would be more relaxed about it all.

Enids guide to successful playdates with sensitive kids

can you dump dd2 on someone else?

then you can concentrate on dd1 and mate (v important IMO)

ask her who she wants over - or ask the teacher if you can who her real friends seem to be

ask the mum

do 2 hours max if possible

buy a pack of Disney princess cup cake mixture

then give them a snack when they get home

send them away to play in dd1s room for half an hour - if they manage that without one of them appearing in tears you've done well

then make the cakes all together

then get them to do something while you make tea (beads, colouring, sometimes i buy a little cheapy craft kit from tescos)

then tea

then home

ta da

as for food - I always do a roast chicken but I now invariably have 5 girls for tea (one for dd1, one for dd2, dd1, dd2, dd3)

otherwise I would ask the parent if there is anything Friend doesnt eat, then ask dd1 what she would like and go from there

macaroni cheese is good if they both like it

have lots of bread aruond for toast if food rejected

what is dd1's treaty tea?

dont be afraid to revert to tv if things get hairy

First ask who your DD wants over, then just approach the mum at hometime and say 'DD wanted to know if X could come over for tea one evening, I could pick her up after school and take her home and then drop her off about 6pm?'

ALWAYS do the drop off, and always say an approximate time. X might be a little shit that you cannot wait to get out of your house so you don't want to be waiting around.

If you come straight home after school, you'll be in for about 3:30/4ish and DD will probably want to take her friend up to ehr room, leave them up there for about half an hour, call them down to make something with you for tea, they'll play for about another half hour then tell them it's tidy up time as dinner is almost ready, (about 5ish is perfect timing to eat). Have dinner then a little pudding of some sort (either the decorated cakes someone suggested or something else small). By the time dinner is over, it's hands washed and time to go home.

The smaller the amount of time they play together, the least likely to be any rows. I try to break things up every half hour or so.

We do pizza a lot, I just buy bases and put bowls of chopped onion, shredded mozarella, pineapple chunks, cooked bacon and chopped onion on the side and they make their own.

I do them with homemade wedges and salad though, so it's not completely unhealthy for them.

DS is allowed to make the food with them, but not upstairs to play with them so I try to have something else he wants to do ready.

oh thank you thank you for all these ideas, will ask my fragile little flower this evening who she wants to be her first friend

pizza a good idea

colouring good idea, dd1's fave activity atm

our kitchen is shit and v small so not sure on baking idea

can't really leave dd2 with anyone else as I will do the playdates on my day off, feel cheeky asking MIL to do extra duty tbh

If it's something like colouring dd2 can probably be there too, it's when they play 'big girls games' they'll want her out of the way.

ok then distract dd2 with fave video

but expect dd1 and Mate to slink down to watch it too (acceptable)

Actually i have generally found a younger sibling to be a bonus on play dates. When ds or his friend have a difference of opinion on what to play, or need a third person, then there is a ready made willing volunteer to hand. I suppose it depends on how much younger your dd2 is.

Yes, if DD1 is a bit shy, then DD2 might help break the ice

ask teacher who she is happy playing with

approach mother and say 'oh they're getting to be such great friends, could you come on a playdate next week, when suits?'

offer to have child or mother and child, offer to allow any siblings

ask if there's anything they don't like to /can't eat

child comes after school .. stays till after dinner (assume 6pm) .. you chat to parent over coffee if there(best if you choose someone you like) ..try not to interfere in their play unless asked ..