Totally sick of parenting with my husband

[TruthorDie]

I have toddler twins with my husband and parenting with him is driving me insane. He rarely finishes a task e.g. they eat a meal he’s reluctant to wipe their bibs off, when a nappy is changed then he’s been known to sometimes just leave the dirty nappy on the side. Wipes run out in the changing bag then he doesn’t replaced them. He’s upped his game since they were born but still lots of improvement is needed.

He doesn’t really want to talk about it whenever l try to raise it then he’s too tired / we are busy / can we talk about it at the weekend etc. Today he said he won’t talk to me about it as lm annoyed and l need to apologise for being angry?! Surely it’s a bit chicken and egg if he won’t talk about it or change so l get annoyed. He claims lm trying to “change the person he is” but to be fair lm not the biggest fan of taking a changing bag with me everywhere but appreciate l have to. I don’t want to clean mushed avocado off high chairs. But that’s just parenthood surely?! You need to take the rough with the smooth

We have no other children, we work a similar amount of paid hours per week -sometimes mine is longer if l can get extra hours.

It would be easier doing it alone, you wouldn’t be burning with resentment, and you’d get a day off.

@DustyLee123 those thoughts have gone through my head! I’m not expecting perfection but l want us to work as a team and not have to the shitty tasks as he forgot / if tired / needed to do something else (apparently).

@Italianita l know right?! I changed the person l was somewhat with the inability to sleep at the end of the pregnancy as my bump was so big. Plus the caesarean scar, breasts being annihilated from breast feeding, maternity leave from work etc etc etc

OH SNAP

I have two under 4 and my DH will change a nappy (when asked) then not bother getting baby fully dressed again as baby “doesn’t like it”?! No, she doesn’t like it when I do it either, but what’s the alternative?! She’s naked?

Last weekend I had them both all Saturday except 30 minutes after lunch (so I could clean up). Once he finished his important man tasks he played with oldest, then I came in to ask him to have baby too about 4pm (so I could tidy/pack for us all going away, not so I could have fun). He said “are you here to have a go at me?” In front of them. Yes, mummy is a nag and always on at daddy, I wonder why.

no advice, same boat

Ex was like this, never finished anything but wanted praise for doing the half job he had managed. I asked him to clean the bathroom once so he did then just left all the cleaning products in a heap in the middle of the floor. As DD got older I ended up constantly refereeing between them because he wound her up and couldn't be arsed to play with her or even respond to her attempting to talk to him sometimes. Unfortunately there isn't really any way to get men like this to see how frustrating it is being the other half trotting along behind them doing the bits they would never think of and so they carry on thinking and saying they're 'doing loads'. Resentment is a relationship killer.

Ask him to explain why it's better to be married to him and finish all the jobs he leaves half done (as well as doing your share of childcare & housework) than split up, have the kids 50/50 and he do ALL the childcare and housework etc in his home and you do it all in yours?

Who does he think will get the easier life then? And is that the road he wants to go down, because it's looking very appealing to you at the moment, so he needs to step up or that's where your relationship is heading.

His presence in your life and your home should enhance your life, otherwise what the fuck is he there for?

I can nag / discuss/ ask nicely/ write lists/ shout until the cows come home but ultimately he can manage a very high level executive job but anything remotely domestic is half arsed / poorly done / ‘he doesn’t see it needs doing’ / is done only if and when asked. I don’t have the answers for you but send sympathies (note -he’s great fun with the children and they are his world)

Wipes run out in the changing bag then he doesn’t replaced them.

^

In this scenario, make sure he's the best one to use the bag. Silly beggar games requires silly beggar tactics

Because if he thinks you'll be the next person to use the wipes, he's rescinding responsibility .

Basically, he thinks he's better than replacing wipes

That's the crux of it

This also applies to replacing the toilet roll too!

Can you give him a taste of his own medicine?

Plate his food, but don't give him cutlery.

Wash his clothes, but don't dry them.

Get his expensive tools/hobby/watch out and leave in the middle of the floor.

If he complains, give him the exact same answers 'you're always nagging me, stop trying to change who I am, I'm too tired to talk about it now'. It might help him see how absurd he's being.

Also sorry but if you don’t clamp
down now it will prob get a lot worse once they are at school and you have to manage all the admin and headache that comes with Brownies / Beavers / swimming / judo kit / packed lunch / reading / birthday presents and parties / play dates / school events etc etc.

Tell him this topic can no longer be avoided and you 100% have to sit down and have a serious chat.

Tell him his level of input with regards to the children and daily life is unacceptable and you need him to step up and act like the capable adult he is.

Tell him that if you aren’t listened to and taken seriously and this is to continue that you would seriously consider splitting because it would actually make your life easier.

You are meant to be an equal partnership and he is not showing that with his actions or by the fact that he is completely blocking you when you’re trying to communicate with him.

He is not taking part of the mental load of running a house or parenting his own children which means more work for you because... life changes when babies come along, you stepped up and he thinks it isn't his job.

There is a game you can get called Fair Play which highlights the inequality withing relationships but it sounds like he doesn't even want to try and be a better husband or father so I'm not sure if it's worth getting.

He needs it plainly put to him that splitting up would benefit you so much more that you are seriously considering it.

So many young women pussy footing around weaponised incompetence.

My advice is to let them fail by whatever means necessary. They won’t learn while you’re essentially parenting them too and compensating for them.

Don’t use the misogynist word ‘nag’, use a corporate word ‘managing’ and let them know, in no uncertain terms, that they are underperforming. March them to every left cup, every unwiped surface, every half-assed job and let them know what a shit team mate they are. DON’T apologise for being angry and pissed off. They want to gaslight you because that’s easier than stepping up.

Zero tolerance is the only way.

I think you should do this!

He doesn't want to get lumbered with any menial low status tasks. The more he is associate with that kind of work the harder it is for him to subordinate you OP.
He needs to preserve his status and he does that by keeping up the subtle but constant pressure which nudges you into being the default person for all menial & unpaid work. That means he can be freed up to spend his time investing in himself & improving his life while you are trapped & forced to facilitate that for him.

This!!

Unfortunately as a SAHM so I’ve literally put my hand up to be the default person for all menial and unpaid work. It’s a strange feeling slowly realising you’ve become their housekeeper/ mother.

@S00tyandSweep this 100%. I loved being divorced with small kids.

Very good answers.
Btw, I don't have kids.
Have been told I sidestepped the biggest responsibility and source of inequality at home by a PP.
The thing is, apart from not wanting kids,
I genuinely didn't find a man I would trust enough to have a child with.
Married for 20 years, husband is decent.
Grim.

My DH is fantastic - equal parent and teamwork on the domestic front (some pink and blue jobs but always the same level of knackered). My adult DS has seen that modelled and is shaping up to be similar living with his GF. They are out there!