My 13 year old brother is a monter, and my parents don't care - what do I do?

[JoJoAnnaGF]

Almost 2 years ago now I moved back in with my parents with my then 9 year old child after a messy divorce.

I was still pulling myself together, but was ready to start my life over and create a relationship with my 13 year old brother. He was an actually baby when i moved out and I never truly kept in touch with him and was happy my own baby would have something of a sibling.

He is a total mysoginist. An absolute monster to girls at his school, his friends and him spew the most racist vile things and he misbehaves with my mother an father - who say absolutely nothing to him about his behavior. His school has called us multiple times about his behavior towards girls but have always brushed it off as 'boys will be boys'. From the moment he wakes up, he is on his phone, which I fear is influencing his behavior.

I don't much care to correct his behavior, nor do I want to take on that headache. How do i protect my child from becoming this?

Well you move out, and ensure the media they consume, and the activities they are exposed to support both males and females. Surround them with positive role models and have boundaries and expectations on appropriate behaviour and the use of language - it's not actually that difficult

If you’re so concerned about it yet also want nothing to do with the situation then your only answer is to move out. Can’t have it both ways.

Move out? You've had no interest in him to date and no desire to improve the situation. Are you hoping your parents will jettison him somewhere?

move out, and also maybe a candid conversation with your parents is needed

You need to make it your number 1 priority to get out of that house.

Moving out is not an option for the foreseeable future. I wish I could, but I'm really not in a situation where I can just do that now.

I probably should have made clear that yes I do care for my brother, and I do wish I could be a stand-in mom to him but I just don't know where to start. It's sorta hard to explain, but with him being in the same age group as my child, that natural instinct takes over sometimes and I really want to be a good role model to him but man is it difficult. I guess my question now is, how do I put him on the correct path. Sorry about being all over the place, my minds a bit confused right now.

As made clear in anothe comment - I perhaps came off a bit too harsh in my original post. Yes I do want to do something about it, but I don't even know where to start or what to do.

I can't move out either

Is renting not an option?

I do agree, I would have moved out if I could, and it's unfair of me to want to have it both ways. I do want to be a good role model to him and I've tried nudging his behavior to a more acceptable standard, but it's literally like dealing with someone who's never been told no.

Well it's not your job it's your parents. But pull him up on it everytime if it's done within ear shot of you or your DC.

Were your parents quite old when they had him as the age gap between you is quite large, have the ill health issues that make him less of a priority, have they found him too hard to manage and washed their hands of him? Or are they otherwise active with him?

Your parents have taken you back in so it sounds like they are generally good people.

What do they have him doing in his spare time, time with a uniformed group whether air/ police/ fire cadets or a scout group will likely instill a bit more discipline into him.

Not at the moment

How does older parents have anything to do with this?

l had my dd at 42. She is nothing like this.

Its to do with upbringing not age

Why can't you move out? You've been there almost 2 years.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I wasn't being ageist, older parents are more likely to develop health issues which may deprioritise the child

Having one child or starting to have children at the older end of the spectrum is quite different to some attitude wise if they had had the rest of the children years/decades before. As you said it's the upbringing not age and plenty of parents are 'over' the parenting phase by then and suprise/unexpected children get the raw end of the stick.

This. I accept that going through a messy divorce is tough (I am in the same position) but there shouldn’t be much stopping you at least getting a small rental to tide you over until you can fund something more permanent. Living back with your parents can’t be a healthy situation for anybody

You’re not going to change anything as his parents don’t care. Your daughter should be your only priority and that does mean moving out as soon as you possibly can.

Personally, if this were my son, I'd be turning off the wifi and making sure the house was a haven of stability, with plenty of time for him to spend with people who are invested in his welfare. Does he have this kind of environment, op?

Turn off the WiFi. Remove the phone + replace with a brick. Digitally detox him. It’s the only way…

I really really wish I could - but I can't.

Your parents are losers. They can’t be bothered to bring up their 13yr old correctly. Report to social services and also talk to the school. You are not his legal guardian but you can still signal the rubbish parenting and careless environment. I’d also say to find a way to leave and get your own place. Limit contact with these people.

If your parents don’t care then there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to change things. All you can do is try to keep your kid away from him as much as possible and do whatever you can to accelerate the timeline on moving out.

So you have a13 year old brother that you never kept in touch with our showed any interest in. You then moved back in with your parents (with your own child), so disrupting his life to some degree, and now you expect him to listen to you?

Yes, he sounds appalling, but where were you through his childhood?

It sounds like parental neglect.

I don't know, without the parents on board how can you change anything?

Maybe he is not coping with you living there? You have had 2 years to sort something

You keep saying you can't move out and obviously if that's the case then that's very unfortunate, but if you feel able to expand on the reasons then maybe posters can help you explore possibilities you might not have thought of. Moving out is the only real option for change tbh.