How to tell if it's the nursery or the baby that's the "problem"?

[BluPeony]

Sorry about the title, I don't really know how to phrase this.

We were on a waiting list for a nursery for ages but they didn't have the days we needed so ended up sending him elsewhere and he's still on the blooming waiting list for the original place.

My 13 month old son is not really settling into this nursery. He's devastated to be left in the morning, I'm told he's either crying throughout the day or playing with toys but is "emotional" and when I pick him up his little face crumples and he's hyperventilating and then crying his little heart out. It's breaking my heart. He also naps poorly but they don't have a separate nap room so I'm not surprised that the most they get out of him is 30 minutes - he would sleep for 60-90 mins at home typically.

There's been an impact on other areas too: he used to love going to play group and now he gets stressed, tries to leave and doesn't play much, just keeps a close eye on me. At home he's clingy, throwing things, snatching things and generally acting unsettled and not like himself. It takes a day or two to come back down to normal and then it's time to go to nursery again.

I'm devastated to see my happy, confident little boy like this.

Everyone says give it time, but how much time? And how do I know if/when to try a different nursery?

If the original nursery every offers us a place, will he just be miserable there instead?

I really don't know what to do.

It’s so so hard when they struggle to settle. DS was like this. Everyone I knew, their babies settled within a week at nursery, maximum two. DS cried and cried, developed really bad separation anxiety and was clearly struggling. He was so happy before he started nursery and he changed. The mum guilt was intense, especially as I was choosing to work rather than having to.

We gave ourselves a deadline and decided if he’s not settled by that date, we’d pull him out and look at getting a nanny instead. The deadline was 8 weeks after he joined. I wanted to pull him out right away but DH persuaded me to at least give it a go.

Week 7, we finally got a photo from nursery with him smiling in it (every other photo was him asleep or eating…). Week 8, he had no tears at drop off. And he was back to his usual self.

The nursery we were at was truly amazing, so I think it was baby rather than nursery so we would have had the same issues if we moved him elsewhere. Your child will settle too, but knowing when is impossible to know.

I’d give your first choice a call and ask if there’s likely to any movement soon. If not I’d look for a good childminder.

Can you afford a nanny? It's unnatural to be left with random strangers and goes against every instinct of his innate biological survival. There's little that can be done beyond transitional objects at this age and lots of 1:1 time including home visits from the key worker, and that's why all the research says it's not actually good for babies until they're walking, talking and co-regulating to go to a nursery.

I chose not to put our 3 youngest in nursery so young and when they eventually all left for there 3rd birthday didn't have any problems because they had grown and were then ready to be a little independent

Unfortunately we have a mortgage to pay so I can't make that same choice.

How long has he been going?

Just to add, he's only going twice a week this month and that will increase to 3 days from July. DP and I have done everything we can, aside from one of us giving up work, to amend our work schedule so that we're working 4 days/week and we're home with him 2 days/week.

How many days is he going for and what days? For example a child going one or two days will take much longer to settle than a child going full time.

Ah cross post. Ok so that schedule will mean he will take much longer to settle. Give it time.

So he's been a max of 4 times? That's very early days! If he was full time it would only be Thursday!

He's going Tuesdays and Fridays at the moment and will also do Thursdays from July.

6 including his settles.

It’s very early days and he’s at the prime age for separation anxiety. I really feel for you I can’t imagine how awful it must be having to leave him so distressed and to have no choice. I hope he settles soon

That's honestly nothing, but you sound a bit surprised that he's unsettled so do chat with the nursery and let them reassure you.

So really he won’t know whether he’s coming or going, it’s such early days so no wonder he’s not settling. Give it time.

Seeing your update on how few times he’s actually been, you do need to give it some time! Of course it’ll take some time to adjust.

My son was a little older, but settled so much better when he started going 3 rather than 2 days a week

Mine weren't for nursery, do you have a gut feeling he might be happier with a child minder in a home setting?

Agree he'll settle quicker if you increase the days earlier

My youngest was exactly the same. I ended up finding a childminder and he's got on fantastically and enjoys going. I think for him personally he found it overwhelming so many children in such a vast environment. Maybe something to consider if things don't work out? (And if you can find one of course). Good luck hope everything works out

It's a bit counter intuitive, but I would actually consider increasing his days to 3 as I think it can help them to settle more quickly if they are there more often. Don't worry OP, it is still very early days.

It took my daughter months to settle into nursery, we started her at 10 months with 2 days a week and then increased to 3 days when she was about 14 months old.
It was really tough, she would barely sleep there, hardly eat, cried at drop off, was emotional during the day. What helped was watching through the door when we picked her up, to see her play happily because when we collected her she would immediately start crying (I think just like relief).
We did lots of earlier pick ups initially and had to support her sleep at home as she was exhausted.
It got much better when she moved out of the 'baby' room into the toddler room, which ironically they were delaying because she needed lots of attention because she needed support sleeping & eating.
It definitely takes a while and can be super stressful, she's 2 & a bit now and loves it.

Is there any way you could find a childminder? Nurseries can be just too overwhelming for some sensitive children.

However I do think in a good nursery they are better than this at settling the babies. Separate nap room, distracting baby with lots of cuddles and games etc. Some nurseries leave babies to cry or don't put as much input in, and how upset he is getting would make me a bit suspicious.

I’d definitely give it a little longer, my DD was similar and only goes 2 days a week but after a couple of months she’d turn around smile at me and continue playing at pick up! And she cried her eyes out when we left the parents evening because she wanted to stay. Mine was 12 months and went straight into the toddler room where I think they just have mats to sleep on and it took probably 4 months before she started having really good naps there, but apparently really normal. That being said if you’re still unsure when a space comes available at the other nursery, there’s no harm in looking round it again and making a decision then.