Nursery-what would you do?

[ElmTree22]

Looking for some advice on whether to send my 20mo DD to nursery?

My DH and I are in a really fortunate position to not have to send our DD to nursery as our shift work is on opposite days, this means that either one of us is home to look after DD every day. Trust me I know how lucky we are to not have to worry about child care, it isn't something I take for granted.

Recently a lot of people have been asking me about whether we're going to send our DD to nursery, these people are of the opinion that nursery of pretty fundamental for children's development and it will really benefit her to go. And to not send her will almost hinder her. Now I totally understand that it would really benefit her and she will learn a lot of new social skills and knowledge, but I also think being with my husband and I benefit her greatly and she is so very young and has her whole school life to learn skills etc.

On reflection we've talked about maybe sending her in for one morning a week to begin with, to see how she feels and copes with it but I've been told that she will need to attend at least two mornings a week for any real benefit to her and that children tend to cope better. I have a pretty hard time letting go of her and the thought of not having her for two mornings a week (when I'm not working so there's no real need for her to not be with me) really unsettles me. We had some pretty tragic events in our family 6 months ago and it has resulted in me being really anxious about letting her go. Something I'm having therapy for so I really don't want any hate for that. I realise it's not normal and other mums have to do it.

I guess I'm just looking to see what you guys would do, if you didn't have to send your child into nursery because of work would you send them at all? And will one morning a week be okay or so I really need to send her in for two? I want to do right by her, and want her to learn new skills that I can't teach her and I want her to learn her world independently, but also I really really enjoy my time with her so I don't really feel any urgency to get her in.

What would you do?

I just want to add, I'm really not trying to brag or anything. I realise the majority of parents have to send their children to nursery 5 days a week to work, and I understand how lucky I am. I really don't want to upset people with this post. I'm just looking for advice as a mother.

As a nursery manager, I would not send her until she is 3 unless you have to. Even then I would do 5 mornings not necessarily full days. They’re only little once.

I wouldn't bother doing just one morning a week.

I also don't think there's any need to go at all at that age.
This is coming from someone whose DDs both went to nursery before they turned 1. I don't think it harmed them, I just don't think it gave them any great benefit either, above what could have been provided at home if we'd had that opportunity.

I'd probably send her part time (or just term time) once she gets to pre school age. Maybe from the September or Christmas before she goes to school.

My kids go to nursery 4 days a week. It has been great for both of them. Not sending them or sending them for fewer days would also have been great in different ways. Don't feel you have to send her just because it is the norm. My personal opinion, it's important to send them to preschool so that they have an opportunity to develop social skills without a parent present and to get used to separating and reconnecting with parents but until then, do what works for you. I do think you're right that one morning a week would be a bad choice for most children. It would take absolutely forever to settle them.

There’s no rush if you don’t need to. Just make sure you take her to groups/have play dates etc so she interacts with other children a similar age.

This is interesting, I really appreciate your comments.
My initial thoughts were of sending her around 3 to pre school to get used to the structure of school and the environment. But it was peoples comments recently that made me question whether I should be sending her earlier.
I will add, I take her once a week to a toddler gymnastics class and once a week she has a play date with one of my friends DS who is a couple of months older than her. She used to do a music class weekly as well but that just stopped, we're currently looking for a new class to take her to so she's mingling more with children.

As long as she’s getting plenty of experiences, activities, reading books, spending time with other kids and adults (not just immediate family), etc, then there’s no need for nursery.

I do think it’s valuable from about 3, or for a year ish prior to going to school. One of mine went from 13 months, the other from 2 years, both because we needed them to, but I’d it was actively beneficial from about 3.

I wouldn’t bother with one morning a week, it would be difficult for her to settle if you could find a nursery that would allow one morning a week.

DS is 18 months and I feel like he gets a lot out of nursery. I’m on maternity leave at the moment and he’s still going 5 days a week as he would if I was working.

I had huge issues regarding the thought of sending my twins to nursery. This was due to ptsd from their birth and scbu. This time last year I could not even consider the possibility. After a year of therapy I have now gotten to the point of sending them 1 and half days per week. Financially we were in the fortunate position that I didn't and still don't need to work.

The transition to nursery was extremely hard for all of us. But 2 months in and my daughters are gaining independence from nursery and learning to accept care from others. My twins would scream if any adult except immediate family even spoke to them. So I do feel this has been advantageous for my daughters to learn to trust others. It has also helped me work through my anxieties.

Every child and situation is different so I would advise do what is right for your family.

Most nurseries will not accept one day a week let alone 1 morning a week so it's unlikely you'll find one to take her for such a short amount of time. It's because children who only do 1 day take much longer to settle.

No way I'd be sending to nursery if I didn't have to at 20 months old.
Take her to a stay and play group on those mornings instead, usually £1 or something in a church hall. She will be mixing with other children and you can stay and watch/play/chat with other mums.

I sent my DD to nursery aged 2 for one morning a week. I didn't need to but she loved it so much. It was the school nursery of the school she is still at now so it got her used to the uniform and the school she would be at. Really helped her with socialising and eating. She stayed for lunch on her morning and she ate all sorts that she wouldn't at home. I upped her time there gradually and when she was 3 she did 3 mornings a week.

I don’t mean to be rude or offensive to anyone, but I think when people need to send a child to nursery, they are going to be invested in the positives, hence people talking about how important it was for their child’s development. Of course it can be in many cases but what I mean is don’t be misled or guilted into thinking you are holding her back. She can get what she needs for now with you and socially at groups etc, and will benefit more once she’s 3.

Kids really benefit from chatting to other kids and the friendships and fallings out at nursery really help them navigate school

Son started nursery at 2. 3 days a week. I don't need to work but I like working two days a week and having a day to myself. He loves it and skips in every day. It's his home from home. He goes to a wonderful nursery.

My 2 absolutely hated being away from me, they both started nursery the term they turned 3. I kept it at the 2 sessions till they started school, I worked 2 days a week when they were with my in laws and on the other day I took them to playgroups. Time goes so quick, if you don’t want to send her till later, then don’t. I have really good, fun memories of my time when mine were young, I wouldn’t change it.

It's a personal choice too.

I don't need to work. Our son doesn't have to go to nursery, but we started him at 2 years old 3 days a week as I enjoy working 2 days and having 1 day to myself.

He loves nursery so much and I'm a better mum to him for the time to myself. The other 4 days we spend out and about constantly on adventures.

Nursery has been nothing but positive for both of us.

I was/am in a similar position when I didn't need to send my children to nursery/preschool due to work; I did sent my oldest after 3 yr old and my youngest is due to start in Sep, same at 3.
I enjoyed spending time with them in the first years, times flies anyway and I don't think they have been held back by not going to nursery before 3. After 3 and especially with starting school at 4/5 it's important for them to get used to collectivity etc
At 20 months I def would not stress about it and just enjoy your time together, go to groups, do things together, make memories ❤️

I worked as a childminder when my dds were little so never needed childcare. When they turned two the playgroup we attended offered a preschool session two mornings a week for 2.5 hours. We did that for a school year and then we did nursery five mornings.

One of the main benefits was they were all in the same village so when they started school they knew most of the class. Also got them use to leaving me.

It sounds like your dc is getting lots of variety so I wouldn't rush

This has really helped. So lovely to hear of so many different experiences and all of your DC seem to have been fine with all situations, so I'm feeling a lot less pressure to rush this process now.
I feel as though I'm going to follow my instincts and stick with 3 if I feel more comfortable then. Maybe I'll stick to upping her interactions with children by adding another group into our week.

My LG is now 4 and has been at nursery 3 days a week out of necessity since she was 8 months old. She does 4 days now and has had the other day/s with grandparents. If you don't need to send her then don't but I definitely think it's helped us with the transition to school - they do phonics/activities that I couldn't. The only thing to be aware of is waiting lists - I know of nurseries that have a 2 year waiting list for a place so you might want to get her name down. You can always say no if they offer a place earlier than you're ready.

I would send to nursery before school but if you don’t need the childcare 3 is fine. It really does help development and helps with School transition.

I work in Nurseries too, and I wouldn't send her until 3 at earliest.
As she is an Autumn birthday, if you send her the term after she is 3, she'll still have 5 terms at Nursery before starting school.

I would take her to playgroups though - get used to be around other dc, other adults, some early routines, singing, craft, etc.

There is no point at all in sending her for 1 x 1/2 day a week. Indeed, lots of Nurseries wouldn't take them. It means the child is having to 'settle' again week after week and never really settles in to it.

Wait til you can send her for a few morning per week (at 2?). She’ll enjoy it and you’ll get a bit of time to rest and do jobs, without feeling like you’re abandoning her. My daughter loves nursery, it’s social and she does activities that I just wouldn’t do (painting with toy car wheels on huge pieces of paper today)
the fact you felt the need to apologise for your situation and good fortune is such a shame, Mumsnet comes down hard on people who ask legitimate questions that are fairly normal/ acceptable/ not hugely privilege circumstances.

I'd concentrate more on increasing socialisation than specifically on nursery. Just integrating and spending time with groups of children. Baby groups, classes, bounce & rhyme at the library etc. if you don't need childcare I certainly wouldn't be looking to spend £60+ a day to get the exact same experience as she'd get from a parent and toddler group.
Toddlers pick up so much from watching and mimicking each other - social cues that we can't "teach", Sharing, co-existing, managing assertiveness, resilience, patience, waiting, choosing, turn taking, language development etc.

This over and over.

I'm finding this post fascinating reading all of the responses.

We are in a similar situation OP. My little girl has just turned 2 and I've signed her up to start nursery in September. We do all sorts of activities together, have gone to 2 baby/toddler classes per week so plenty of interaction with older children. However, I'd heard that putting them in a nursery will really help their socialisation in particular being away from me and will help with the transition into school when the time comes (for us both). My little girl is such a mummy's girl and still quite clingy, we're with eachother 24/7 practically ❤️.

Unfortunately I have terrible had terrible mental health since having my little girl and still do. The thought of leaving her is very upsetting but I do feel like she could benefit from nursery, she will be starting doing two mornings a week, from 9-1. To be honest, I'm also trying to look forward to having a little time out for myself and start the gym or something 'for me' to take my mind off it while she goes as I know I will worry. I thought I'd made my mind up completely until I've seen all of these comments!

For those who have said they work in nurseries, why are you saying to wait until 3 years old, can anyone explain please? @hockityponktas @NewName24 and anyone else 😊? Thanks x