Nursery-what would you do?

[ElmTree22]

Looking for some advice on whether to send my 20mo DD to nursery?

My DH and I are in a really fortunate position to not have to send our DD to nursery as our shift work is on opposite days, this means that either one of us is home to look after DD every day. Trust me I know how lucky we are to not have to worry about child care, it isn't something I take for granted.

Recently a lot of people have been asking me about whether we're going to send our DD to nursery, these people are of the opinion that nursery of pretty fundamental for children's development and it will really benefit her to go. And to not send her will almost hinder her. Now I totally understand that it would really benefit her and she will learn a lot of new social skills and knowledge, but I also think being with my husband and I benefit her greatly and she is so very young and has her whole school life to learn skills etc.

On reflection we've talked about maybe sending her in for one morning a week to begin with, to see how she feels and copes with it but I've been told that she will need to attend at least two mornings a week for any real benefit to her and that children tend to cope better. I have a pretty hard time letting go of her and the thought of not having her for two mornings a week (when I'm not working so there's no real need for her to not be with me) really unsettles me. We had some pretty tragic events in our family 6 months ago and it has resulted in me being really anxious about letting her go. Something I'm having therapy for so I really don't want any hate for that. I realise it's not normal and other mums have to do it.

I guess I'm just looking to see what you guys would do, if you didn't have to send your child into nursery because of work would you send them at all? And will one morning a week be okay or so I really need to send her in for two? I want to do right by her, and want her to learn new skills that I can't teach her and I want her to learn her world independently, but also I really really enjoy my time with her so I don't really feel any urgency to get her in.

What would you do?

I just want to add, I'm really not trying to brag or anything. I realise the majority of parents have to send their children to nursery 5 days a week to work, and I understand how lucky I am. I really don't want to upset people with this post. I'm just looking for advice as a mother.

We didn't send our daughter to nursery until a term and a half before she started school, and then it was just for two afternoons a week to get her used to being away from me. We waited until we were in a position that we could just scrape by with me staying at home until our daughter was seven because we both believed that it would be much better for her to be with me full time until she had to start school. I think she benefited enormously from this and learnt far more than she woukd have done if she had been at nursery. It was very difficult to manage financially,m - we only had one holiday in the first five years, we didn't have new cars, clothes, never ate out etc, and takeaways were a real luxury, but to us it was worth it. We moved house when I was six months pregnant into a house that was extremely dilapidated to the point of being uninhabitable for the first month, when I had to stay with my mum while we got a bathroom and some of the kitchen installled, and had the house required, which I wouldn't necessarily recommend 😆😆. We only had limited money for refurbishment so I was also busy doing DIY and decorating for the first three years or so thst we had our daughter but I wouldn't change a thing and I treasured every day I had with her while she was little.

I've got to be honest, I've worked in nurseries that I wouldn't want my child in. But he's in our tiny local nursery and it's a world of difference. It's like his home from home. Not all nurseries are the same, just as not all schools are the same.

I’d keep your child home as long as possible! Unless you need a break :-D

That sounds a good idea

I was a SAHM when my DC were little. They all started pre-school for three mornings a week when they were aged between 2.5 and 3yo. Before that they were just with me, we did lots of toddler groups etc. This worked really well for us.

I think she's a bit young to worry about it. I think aged 2.5 or so could be good..then again if you and DH take her out and to playgroups etc a lot then it's fine.

I do think nursery is beneficial before school, but I think a year is long enough to get them used to it. Longer can be beneficial for some kids, but I'm not convinced it is essential for all in the way some people claim it is.

Both my DC started at 3.5. The benefit of this is they understood a lot more, so we could explain how it would work, and there were no issues settling. They both liked nursery (and now school) but would still prefer to be at home mostly if they could, so it was right for them to send them later and limit it to half days. (We were entitled to 30 hours but didn't use it due to opposite shifts.)

My DN started nursery at just over 2. She is very active and sociable. I think it was great for her and gave grandparents a break from lots of childcare. Go with what works for you and don't feel pressured by everyone else.

If there's a pre school attached to the school she will go to I think that's the biggest benefit when over the age of 3 :) will know the peers she will know long term - toddler groups/playing with children I think is fine until then. Whilst things have moved towards many using nursery, it's largely need as opposed to want that caused it. I know many who attended no settings until pre school and a few who started reception having done no 'childcare'. The reception ones took a little longer to adapt, but nothing mega - all happy within a couple terms

I just believe that children really benefit from a secure attachment and time with their main carer and that where possible parents should be doing most of the teaching of soft skills until 2.5/3 years old or there abouts.
I’m not knocking children being sent to nursery earlier at all and there are lots of positives in doing so and of course many will thrive.
it’s just my personal and professional opinion that where possible (and in appropriate family circumstances) children should be with their parents for longer.
this period of their life is over in a blink and we should make the most of it if we feasibly can.

You need to take your needs in to account as well. It’s ok to need some time to yourself!

Absolutely, totally agree and mums having much needed space improves everything for kiddos. What’s best for a family totally depends on their circumstances. But I also met a lot of people who spoke to me like nursery is an essential environment for children to assist them in their development, and I felt those people had to tell themselves that because their child was there most of the week without much of a choice and they were investing massively financially too. I was lucky to not be in that scenario. Just anecdotal but I’m suspecting the OP has come across a bit of that kinda vibe that’s making her feel guilty for not doing it, and IMO it’s not essential at all before 3. After that I think it is more important.

Have you looked for a local ‘pre school’

They tend to be cheaper, with better hours when you don’t need childcare, and are often aimed at older children over 2/3

My daughter loves nursery - she started when she was one year old for two days.
She changed for every day, half day when she turned two.

I stayed home (studying) so I could have her at home, but I felt like I wasn't enough for her. She really needed to be surrounded by other children and other adults as well.

It's not like the old days when you have 10 children, plus all your family members live on the same street.

I personally think it's very important for them to experience a nursery environment - it's not only about being surrounded by other children. The group activities, circle time, eating together, etc. is very beneficial for them, especially for later on when they will start school.

Mine absolutely loves it and it works very well for us. I love seeing them interact with their friends, walking to and from nursery chatting about their day. We could have had one of us stay home, but we chose not to as this is the best set up for our family. Absolutely no regrets and I wouldn’t change a thing

If you’re spending time doing various activities with her and she is getting to spend time with other children then I wouldn’t send her to nursery if it is just based off the comments you’ve been getting.

My DS has been going since 11 months for a few days a week but it has been a necessity as me and DH both need to work to pay the bills. We were also very lucky in that our parents could help a day a week each and I’d been able to take a day off by compressing hours. I’d have loved to have been able to be off with DS full time and but we couldn’t survive on one wage

Everyone does things differently to fit their circumstances so enjoy the situation you have m, don’t feel guilty over it and don’t worry about the comments. ☺️

My son started at pre school for 2 mornings just before he turned 3. I found from about 2.5 he was ready for more than just I could give him. Luckily I had visited lots of places a year earlier and put his name down at the setting I liked the best so it all slotted into place.

He now does 1 full day and 2 mornings (he's 3.5 now). It's amazing for him, he loves it and I find it just the right balance as I miss him when he's not here!

My little boy started nursery at 9 months through necessity and on reflection it was too young. Through a combination of things I took him out of that nursery just after he turned 2 and was at home with him until he turned 3 and got his free hours. I then enrolled him in another local nursery 3 days a week on shorter hours. I would definitely say that 3 is the most beneficial age for them to go to nursery. Before age 3 it was more childcare for our sake / needs and after 3 he is actively getting benefits from it and loves it. That's only our experience but I highly doubt not putting them in until age 3 will hinder them in any way
Do what feels right for you!

@Beginningless

much needed space improves everything for kiddos. What’s best for a family totally depends on their circumstances. But I also met a lot of people who spoke to me like nursery is an essential environment for children to assist them in their development, and I felt those people had to tell themselves that because their child was there most of the week without much of a choice and they were investing massively financially too. I was lucky to not be in that scenario. Just anecdotal but I’m suspecting the OP has come across a bit of that kinda vibe that’s making her feel guilty for not doing it, and IMO it’s not essential at all before 3. After that I think it is more important.

I agree. I don't think it's essential for every child to go to nursery before 3. But it was definitely essential for my son to start at 2. He is unbelievably active and has been cycling for miles with me on my bike and him on his balance bike since 2 and a half or even earlier. He likes to be out of the house all day long and I just can't provide everything he needs on my own with no family support and stay a good mum to him. At nursery he's out in the garden all day long or off on trips to the woods or the beach. He's in his element and I can save my energy to do all the bike rides and so on the rest of the week!

A more easy going child who's happy to potter slowly at home might prefer staying with mum til 3 years old. An energetic child who's ready to pack their own bag and run off into the sunset? Maybe best for everyone if they do a few days at nursery.

My two year old has a speech delay. I wasn't planning to send him until three but nursery is great for things like improving speech.

OP I would suggest a bit more socialising if possible. My boy goes to about four different groups a week. I am not sure it sounds enough in your case.

My DD2 is 2 years old and she started doing 3 mornings a week when she was 14 months. From 20 months she does 3 days 9am til 2pm and on the other 2 weekdays she has a swimming lesson with her dad and a toddler music class with me.

She loves her nursery and her friends/grown ups there and it has really helped build her confidence. It also allows me time to do the house work, etc while she's there so I'm not spending our time together doing that

For those who have said they work in nurseries, why are you saying to wait until 3 years old, can anyone explain please? @hockityponktas @NewName24 and anyone else 😊? Thanks x

Because if your lives are such that you are able to be at home with your dc when they are little, then take advantage of that.
The dc aren't missing out by not being at Nursery before 3 yrs old, as long as they go out and about and spend time with other dc during the week, and do diferent activites, read books, sing songs etc, so why would you stay at home, not earning anything, and then pay to not have the dc with you ?

For those of us who go back into paid employment when the dc are little, it is a totally different scenario, but the OP says she doesn't need childcare.

Because my child drives me fucking mental and I like a break for part of the week.

@ElmTree22 I'm sorry for the stuff you've been going through. I hope you can access anything you feel might help x

IF you send her it really does need to be a minimum of 2 half days. Otherwise it's really too far apart between sessions for them.

as much as groups & play dates help, there are things they'll only get when they are being looked after by other people and in a group setting (such as sitting on the mat listening to a story & not wandering off). It helps them to learn all kinds of things that you can't teach at home & is a massive benefit to learn before starting school.

i think 3 is soon enough, but many kids settle better before then.

could she do one of your mornings and one of DH's?

you'd probably all benefit from from a little bit of time to yourselves xx

We never sent our son to nursery. He started with a childminder at 9 months and aged 3 he'd had 3 childminders because of multiple changes at work for me. We decided a year at nursery and then potentially getting a different school would be just more unsettling. The important thing I think is that the child is mixing with different kids and sometimes going to louder, busier settings. This could be a parent and toddler group and something like soft play, it doesn't have to be nursery.