WWYD - dance show or cousin's birthday party

[HanaPales]

I know this is quite a trivial problem compared to many that are on MN but it has me and DH scratching our heads a bit as to the right thing to do.

TLDR; My DD has a dance show and her cousin's birthday party at the same time. Which one would you choose?

For more context:

My DD is 4. She started ballet classes in September and really loves them. For the last few months she has been showing us at home a special dance they've been learning. We've just found out that this is for an end of year show, at the end of this month. It's in a very fancy theatre in the city centre, and is a big deal for the dance school.
The problem - it is at exactly the same time as her cousin's birthday party, which has been planned for a couple of months. We are close to my BIL and his family, and my DD adores her cousin. Also, my DH and I had offered to help run an activity at the party (nothing complicated, think egg hunt or quiz or similar).

What should we do?! I know that she's very little so it's not like she'll do a fantastic performance or anything at the show, but she will be pretty devastated if she can't do the dance that she's been practicing (also, when we mentioned to the teacher there was an issue with the date she looked very worried and said she really needed my DD because she was the strongest dancer in her group and the others would copy her). I admit that I would really love to see her do the dance on stage!

On the other hand, I'm pretty pissed off with the dance school that they've only told us with such short notice about the show. Family is important to us and we will feel very guilty about missing the party. There is a chance we could rush off after the show and arrive towards the end of the party, but it will all be a bit stressful.

So WWYD?

Dance show - unless you have already said you’d go to the birthday party.

Dance show. Not remotely a dilemma to me.

Oh see this one is tricky. Both my kids dance and do shows. We have missed shows when we have had other stuff booked but the school are ok with that. I do try not to miss shows as the kids enjoy them and it’s often hard to change a dance if you have been practising and then one person drops out. I know she is only 4 but could you ask her which she wants to do?

Dance show. She's put all the hard work in to learn the routine. It would be wrong to make her miss out on the performance.

Dance show. However I find it hard to believe you have only just found out the date. Most dance schools plan for these shows for months if not the entire year. Either the dance school has been VERY remiss in not giving out the details in which case your anger is entirely justified or you have missed a communication from them.

Definitely the dance show! It's a shame she's missing the party but the show is a prior commitment she's been working towards for awhile, surely? So it must take priority. You could arrange to meet cousin another time for a belated little celebration together?

Dance show. You can pop round with a present/go out with family when you're next free.

That's what I think, they surely have had it planned for a long time, especially since it's in this fancy theatre and all. We definitely didn't miss a communication though, we've confirmed this with the teacher and other parents. Surely they know people have things planned!

Dance show. She's been working towards this for ages and they'll be trying on all the costumes in the week or 2 before and she'll feel very left out.

As PP said normally the venue and date for show is booked way in advance so how come you only found out date now?
And just to warn you it's probably going to clash with her cousins birthday every year, we had something similar!

Thanks for the replies so far which are confirming what I thought which was the show. Unfortunately we had already said we would go to the party so will have to pull out - my SIL already knows about the situation and is being very understanding but I feel bad, especially since we were supposed to help out at the party.

If the dance school has only let everybody know the dates now for their main EOY performance then you are quite right to be annoyed! And they are running the risk of a huge number of their dancers being unavailable due to holidays or other end of year events booked etc. In my experience tho the main performance for a dance school is talked about for several months beforehand if not most of the year, to make sure everyone books out the dates. Is it possible it was mentioned earlier in a communication and (because you are only there for your first year) the significance of the date wasn't apparent? One of the previous dance schools we were at had form for assuming everyone would know what 'end of year performance dates are X' means (ie, 'save the dates RIGHT NOW as everyone needs to be there for all of those days'), when the new families obviously have no clue who or what it involves as they've not done one before. It relied on parents who've been there for years making sure the newbies knew what to expect. Not a brilliant system obviously.

Oh just saw your updates. In that case the dance school is crazy! Hopefully they will learn their lesson for next year

Dance show. Pop by afterwards with a present and card for cousin.

I'm surprised at these answers! For me it would definitely be the birthday party.

But tbh I dislike how some hobbies, like dance, are so demanding of small children's time and take it so seriously. Hobbies should just be fun at that age. Surely if she keeps dancing there will be 2+ shows a year to perform in?

Given your update I'd personally go to the party. It's shit but you've already got plans and lots of others will be in the same situation and next year the dance school will get it's act together and give parents much more notice. The likelihood is a huge amount of their dancers won't actually be able to attend with just a few weeks notice.

Only just told everyone or only just told the 4yo beginners class?

Do the times completely clash?

As a parent of an ex-dancer who competed at world championship level and took part in many shows from the age of 5 to 18 I would disagree with most on this thread and would go to the party. We would always prioritise family events over dancing.

Have you discussed it with your DD, has she indicated which she would rather go to?

I think most who said party did so before OP confirmed that the dance school had definitely NOT told any parents about the date of the dance show before now.

No, I'd seen that. It was in the OP.

Still think show. She can see her cousin later in the day or another time abs make a fuss of her birthday if she wants to

Definitely the party.

If she carries on with dance there will be so so many shows, which you as the mum have to pay to attend, help out at and buy the costume and DVD.

There will always be other dance shows but you can spoil the cousin relationship fast if you put hobbies first.

I would say definitely the birthday party - close family are far more important than a dance show - there will no doubt be many more shows in the future.

I don't see if you think it's important for children to have hobbies, those hobbies suddenly become less important when something the parents would rather do comes along.

My DDs dance school only does a show once every two years. They concentrate on exams on the in-between years. Not all schools do constant shows.

Dance show, it’s a shame to miss the party, but to be honest a child’s birthday party will be so full on that her cousin won’t notice, or if they do will accept the reason why.

Also a child’s birthday party doesn’t really need extra people providing “activities”, pass the parcel, dead lions, musical statues, a lucky dip, a bubble machine or a professional entertainer if you must, but roping in relatives to provide additional activities is unnecessary over planning.

Given your daughter is excited about the dance recital and would be in your words 'devastated' to miss it then I'd definitely do the dance show - it is also easier to recreate a birthday type celebration and they are more common (you can arrange to take a cake, present etc another time and always do some games as a family). Especially as your family is being understanding. I'd probably try and do both if workable though - unless it really would be stressful. I wouldn't pick the dance show to make it easier for the dance school though given poor communication - but that wouldn't be your reasoning here.

I'm surprised so many people are saying dance show. You already made a commitment to the cousin's birthday party before you knew about the show, so not sure what the logic is in choosing the dance show?