WWYD - dance show or cousin's birthday party

[HanaPales]

I know this is quite a trivial problem compared to many that are on MN but it has me and DH scratching our heads a bit as to the right thing to do.

TLDR; My DD has a dance show and her cousin's birthday party at the same time. Which one would you choose?

For more context:

My DD is 4. She started ballet classes in September and really loves them. For the last few months she has been showing us at home a special dance they've been learning. We've just found out that this is for an end of year show, at the end of this month. It's in a very fancy theatre in the city centre, and is a big deal for the dance school.
The problem - it is at exactly the same time as her cousin's birthday party, which has been planned for a couple of months. We are close to my BIL and his family, and my DD adores her cousin. Also, my DH and I had offered to help run an activity at the party (nothing complicated, think egg hunt or quiz or similar).

What should we do?! I know that she's very little so it's not like she'll do a fantastic performance or anything at the show, but she will be pretty devastated if she can't do the dance that she's been practicing (also, when we mentioned to the teacher there was an issue with the date she looked very worried and said she really needed my DD because she was the strongest dancer in her group and the others would copy her). I admit that I would really love to see her do the dance on stage!

On the other hand, I'm pretty pissed off with the dance school that they've only told us with such short notice about the show. Family is important to us and we will feel very guilty about missing the party. There is a chance we could rush off after the show and arrive towards the end of the party, but it will all be a bit stressful.

So WWYD?

Can you ask the teacher if your DDs group could go first, and then shoot off to the party after she’s performed?

Me too. Its not the cousins fault this dance school seems so disorganised with their communication but you've said you're going and to now change that does sort of come across that you've got a better offer and I don't think that's a precedent I would want to be setting to my child.

The dance show will know next time fo give more notice if lots of their students can't attend. Changing your plans at the last minute to accommodate their mistake just makes it more likely they will pull this sort of stunt again in the future.

You do the thing you agreed to first. So as you stated that was the cousins party then that’s the thing you do. You don’t cancel something for a better offer. That’s a really shitty thing to do.
Dance school should have been more organised, birthday party was already agreed so unfortunately she can’t do the show

Yes, my daughter's dance school only did a show every two years as well.

Thanks for the replies! I was hoping that there would be a clear consensus one way or the other to help us make up our minds, but that's not what's happened 🙈. You have all made very good points about either the importance of the show, or the importance of family... that's why we're finding it so difficult to decide.

I will try to answer the questions asked here:

@PuttingDownRoots - only just told everyone from what we have gathered. The show starts an hour after the party, but the kids need to be there 2 hours before to get ready.
@mumto2teenagers We haven't actually asked DD yet - we were trying to decide whether there was a clear thing we 'should' do, in which case it didn't seem fair to give her the choice if we had already decided. But since we are torn, I think asking her about it is a good next step.
@AnnaMagnani this comment gave me a wry smile! I danced too growing up and looking back I pity my poor parents having to sit through interminable shows - I can definitely see that once we've had a few more shows under our belt, we might not be so concerned about missing one.
@ClonedSquare we did make a commitment, but the 'logic' would be that if something of higher priority comes up then you might have to break the commitment. What we are struggling with is deciding what is the priority here. I know it seems shitty to quit on the party, but I also feed shitty that my daughter has been practicing for this dance and then won't perform it.
@Bunnyannesummers yes that is what we are hoping, normally they put the baby class first so we could potentially scoot straight out after her dance.

Lots of people commenting on the disorganisation of the dance school, which I definitely agree with! Just to add that the teacher seems rather scatty (annoying) and can be eccentric, but she's also got an absolute heart of gold - the kids love her and she has really brought my DD out of her shell this year which has been lovely to see. Another example - they also did a show at Christmas where she hired all the kids beautiful costumes, but did it as a surprise and didn't charge the parents, the teacher paid for them herself instead (!) because she said she didn't want to pass the costs on to us. This left me astonished! (In a good way!). So I can't bring myself to be too annoyed with her.

You’d definitely think there’d be more notice…. but my daughter has a dance show at the weekend and we were only told the date at Easter (they’d been practicing since January) and we have Taylor Swift tickets for the same date. Because she’d been practicing so long, she felt she had to carry on with the show so now I have a spare TS ticket (£150!). Thankfully she’s doing a show Sunday morning too so I’ll get to see it as me and eldest daughter are still going to concert on Saturday night.

It sounds to me as if you'd already committed to the party before you knew about the show. Honor your commitment. There'll be other shows.
It's not your problem (and probably not true) that your DD is the strongest dancer and the show would fall apart without her. They'll manage.

Dance show. It means more to her and you. You can make an appearance at the party and she can tell your relatives about the show.

Your daughter has put in a lot of effort make it clear to the dance school you will be leaving immediately after her performance is about the only option you have

One parent does dance show. Other parent helps with party. Sorted.

Gotta be the dance show

Oh please do stop onerthinking things for your chances a of survival as your little girl grows up. Simple answer let her choose which she does. Explain it properly to her then go with her decision.

I'd do the dance show all day long! You'll feel so proud seeing her on stage and she'd love it. You don't know how long she'll be into ballet so she may not be interested next time.

It's not Buzz is it at Newcastle Theatre this weekend is it?

I would do Dance show then scoot to the party but also organise a little celebration with the cousin on another day such as a little birthday outing together to make up for the quality time. I would not ask the little one to chose. I think you can go by what you have seen already which shows she really cares about this show. I think that it would be unfair to put this decision that the grown ups are struggling with to her, but obviously you are taking into account how she feels, that’s really important.

If the show starts an hour after the party then I would do both. I know they have said 2 hours before but as a mum to a dancer, this time isn't needed. It will be to ensure everyone is on time and ready (although I'm surprised at the 2 hours! Ours is 1 hour before).

The is dis-organisation on the dance schools part so I would say yes we can come, but we will not be there 2 hours before (especially if the teacher looked worried she wouldn't be there, it won;t be a problem).

If I had to choose I would pick dance show. She has already expressed how much she is looking forward to it. The cousin will have lots of people there and won;t notice at the time. But I definitely think you can fit in both. Not ideal but it can be done. Just have hair (and make up if they use it) done for the party. When you get to the theatre they only need to put a costume on which takes a few minutes.

In the future tell the teacher you need more notice...but from experience some teachers are a bit flaky so next year you ma have to prompt for information!

Normally i would say dance show as I would assume planned well in advance. As already committed to attending and helping at close family party and dance show is short notice/poor communication I would say cousin's party.

I would go for dance show. But maybe because I know my child would choose the dance show in a similar situation. I would be understanding if I was the cousin's mum.

Dance show.
However beware of associated costs! My 4 year olds just done hers and we weren’t made aware of how the costs would spiral.
£5 per week for 10 weeks for extra show rehearsal
£80 in costumes
£30-40 in accessories and shoes (needed satin ballet shoes normal wouldn’t do, make up, hair bun nets, certain colour and type of socks, certain colour underwear, hair gel).
£25 for rehearsals in the theatre on show
week.
£18 a ticket to watch the performance…there were 4 of them!

we were originally told that it would be £10 deposit per costume and if the costumes were say £20 each we would just give them the extra £10 for each costume (2).
just wish. I’d been aware 😂😂

Definitely the dance show - we are missing a family wedding in July for our kids (tween / teen ages) to compete at a national sports final.

However, I would make the effort to go over afterwards if I were you - either to join in with the end of the party or if that’s not really possible, offer to bring a takeaway over for the tired parents (and your niece, plus your family) who have hosted the party. That way you still get to be part of the celebrations and they don’t have to cook that evening.

Dance show all day long. And if I was hosting a party and one my my little one's cousins couldn't make it due to something like this I would be 100% about it. Call in on your way home with a gift and make a big fuss of the birthday girl.

This is insane! 😨I could maybe just about understand if it was a teenager doing a bunch of different numbers to a very high standard, but for a 4 year old! I hope you enjoyed the show at least.

We asked my DD and she (predictably) said she wanted to do both, so we'll try the mad dash from show to the party, with me going to the party beforehand too to help set up. Let's hope the show runs on time!

@Liddle no it's not that one - if you have a DC in that one I hope it goes well :).
@SATSE I'm impressed with your daughter's commitment to turn down Taylor Swift for the show!

Not all dance schools do this.

My girls have theirs in July.

It was £25 each to be in the show, this covers 3 costumes that the school buy/sort out and theatre hire etc. Then tickets are £20 each, it’s 4 shows but we only watch one as I chaperone backstage.

My two do ballet so we already have ballet slippers and hair nets etc.

For me it’s only when or if they start competing that dance really becomes expensive. A ballet tutu for a competition is upwards of £250!

My youngest just turned 5, she has her first show in July. She cannot wait. She’s doing 3 dances. There’s no way we would miss it but we’ve paid to be in it and we’ve had the date since before Christmas.

I’d do the show, seeing them on stage is so lovely and it’s such a good experience for them.