I need help with the kids routines - obstructive MIL

[SighingMum23]

I have a 13mo and an almost 3yo. I will be returning to work soon and desperately need the kids in a routine. I would really love a 7am-7pm routine. At present, they sleep and wake whenever. Usually around 7/8am-9/10pm.

I have always wanted them in a routine but my MIL wants us to come over once or twice a week at 7pm so we end up staying til 9pm. She will still expect this despite me returning to work.

Will it be possible for them to generally stay in a 7-7pm routine if they are having days when they are sleeping too late? Am I being OOT to expect them to sleep at 7? I do have a long train commute to work so I will be exhausted and will want a bit of me time.

Thanks everyone. I'm just feeling a bit stuck at present.

You need to prioritise your children and yourself not your MIL. I would not be going over to visit MIL during the week. Go at the weekend if necessary but go during the day.

Routine is something we are seen as 'precious' over by our family especially the outlaws (not envy) because we don't parent the same was as BIL/SIL who follow the 'kids fit our life' and not the 'we put DD routine first' which we do. 7-7 is absolutely a doable routine and you need to do what's best for your family. A compromise could be you see MIL at the weekend late afternoon / early evening 💖?

Definitely not OTT. Kids need a good night sleep. You need a good night sleep and you need some child free time.

If she comes over you have to stick to the bedtimes. Mine go to bed at 7:30pm week days and 8:30pm weekends, I don't let anything get in the way of that as it's so important for all of us.

I personally wouldn't have my children stay up till 9pm on a regular basis. But I am a strong believer in routines for bedtimes. I do on the odd occassion let them stay up an hour or so past normal bedtime (7pm) when on holiday, but this is rare. When you return to work I'm presuming the children will need to be up by 7am. So think you will find very grumpy children if they are not going to bed till 9pm.

Don’t go to your MIL, there’s no logic in it at all. Set some boundaries and stick to your Monday-Friday routine.

Just to add, my DH is working opposite days. So I think his plan is to lie in with the kids and then let them sleep late but I just don't see this working. We haven't properly spoken though and if I am adamant then he will be fine with me having a strict routine. I'm not sure if this could work :/

When you go back to work why would you want to go to your mil straight from work let alone drag the kids too. Weekdays we follow a strict 7pm-7am routing with my nearly 6yo. Weekends we are more flexible but weekdays he needs to be getting his 11-12 hour sleep otherwise he struggles. We see family on the weekends.

I think I will just feel incredibly guilty for not going to MIL and it could cause problems for me so I'm trying to find solutions but I just don't see it working.

I just spent a small bloody fortune on a sleep therapist for my daughter and the difference is light and day. Consistency is vital for it to work (and she stressed this from the beginning), otherwise they just go back to crap sleep patterns again and you’re tired and strung out.

Mil can do one (and keep her trap shut with critical comments). She isn’t the one dealing with the aftermath of their routine being broken. Also children are very different, my best friend has one that slept well anywhere and anytime and was rather smug about, which she said she’s very embarrassed about as she had to hire a sleep therapist for her second who woke every hour. (the same one I used)

can't she come to yours for 7? seems madness to keep them up late if they'll be at preschool or nursery
i love a semi structured routine. wind down from 6, no screens, bath/shower, play a bit more then teeth and books in bed. asleep by 7-7.30ish. bit later in summer or on holiday i go with the flow a bit more

Sleep is so important for children OP. You’d be giving them a much bigger problem by allowing this. Can you think of it as your protecting them? Might be an easier way to frame it in your head. The occasional 9pm Friday bedtime wrecks my two, I wouldn’t countenance it as a regular occurrence on weeknights.

You absolutely need a routine for your kids, when you yourself need to stick to a routine for work. The one job describe is very doable.

Your MIL can expect the moon in a stick but taking children to her house twice, during the week, with two working parents, is insane. It’s not in anyone’s best interests than hers. Knock that idea on the head asap. Ain’t happening.

Secondly, if you have a long commute, you might want to rethink your timings. Seeing your babies for 20 (or however few) mins per day might come as a shock to the system.

That’s nuts. Why do you have to go so often and so late?

I’d simply say when you return to work their routine will be bed at 7pm so you can all get the rest you need and you can be organised for your day and the kids morning routine. Even now, my kids (all primary age) would be completely overtired with that twice a week, struggle to fall asleep and be exhausted and grumpy in the morning. You can’t let them sleep in when you have to get to childcare and work on time so they’ll just be under slept.

You have to put your kids and your energy and sanity first and say no to this expectation.

And echoing other posters , past 7/7:30 is very late, keeping up till 9/10 is not good for growing children and brain development. What a monumentally selfish cow she is. Don’t give in to strops, and twice a week is mad. Yikes, poor you OP

Sorry what do you mean about the timings? ... I will be working 3 days a week and I think on one of the days, the commute will be about 20-30 mins.

She's an adult. You have to do what's best for you and your DC first. If she wants to see you twice a week, she can come to you and stay after the kids go to bed at 7pm

Agree that you should do what's right for your children but will they sleep 7-7 if currently they only appear to need 10 hours a night? You could end up with them waking at 5am if you put them to bed at 7?

I think I've just settled for this as we were staying til midnight before with DS1, so this feels so much better. I don't think I'll be able to when going back to work though. I need the evenings to get organised and spend time with DP x

They have long day naps that they really don't need and are such a hassle if I'm honest. I think DS2 will sleep 7-7. Not sure about DS1 ... maybe 7-8 but still that's better.

The current set up is not sustainable.

Why do you "have" to visit so often?

If it's important to see her twice a week she needs to come to you and fit around your family routine.

There is no way with young children I'd have been able/wanted to do this.

7-7 is absolutely a realistic option but only if you stick to it. It's not fair on the children to put their sleep cycle out of kilter 2 nights a week.

You going to work has to be a catalyst for change.

Your and your DH's priority is your children's welfare not that of your MIL.

She/you can visit at the weekend. Preferably once a month which is far more normal.

I'm close to my parents and in laws but my goodness we were never expected to have this level of contact (which is probably why we all get on so well).

Ahh ok, that would make more sense if naps are tricky anyway, my DD dropped her last (short) nap at just over 2 and bedtime came forward by about half an hour, also made bedtime much easier!

So is DH looking after them on the days you are at work? Can he not take them over to MIL alone earlier in the evening/late afternoon? Then you come home to a quiet house and hopefully she will have fed them all too. Tell her she isn't seeing them at their best at that time of night and you want them to have quality time with her.

What do you mean by she’ll cause trouble for you? You prioritise the well-being of your children over everything else, no one else will, and she can try to cause you any hassle she likes. Perfect excuse to see much less of her and when you do it’ll be at your convenience on your terms. You’re an adult and a parent and she’s not the boss of you!

They are probably having long day naps as their sleep cycle/routine is out of kilter for the late night visits.

When you 're back to work you will probably need to have them up by 7, if not earlier, so a bedtime of 7pm is quite late enough, especially once the oldest starts school/nursery.
MiL is going to have to get used to it - it can be lovely freewheeling with a baby when no one is on a schedule, but two DC plus 2 working parents necessitates a routine. Can she come over and help at bedtime?
One thing I do know - if you let them stay up till 10pm some nights, you will struggle to get them to bed and sleeping at 7 the rest of the time. Bedtime will be "negotiable" every night, and you will get no childfree time to relax or to organise yourself. Get them into good habits now.