I need help with the kids routines - obstructive MIL

[SighingMum23]

I have a 13mo and an almost 3yo. I will be returning to work soon and desperately need the kids in a routine. I would really love a 7am-7pm routine. At present, they sleep and wake whenever. Usually around 7/8am-9/10pm.

I have always wanted them in a routine but my MIL wants us to come over once or twice a week at 7pm so we end up staying til 9pm. She will still expect this despite me returning to work.

Will it be possible for them to generally stay in a 7-7pm routine if they are having days when they are sleeping too late? Am I being OOT to expect them to sleep at 7? I do have a long train commute to work so I will be exhausted and will want a bit of me time.

Thanks everyone. I'm just feeling a bit stuck at present.

This is exactly what I want to happen. It really should work but I feel like there will be a problem if I am not there. I'm going to push for this anyway after reading everyone's reactions. I think I'm being too naive.

Oh hell no! Not going to anyones house at 7pm. I’m normally in my pajanas with bra off at that time.

Your 3 year old is going to REALLY struggle as you’ve left it a bit late for early bed times 🙈

I agree. I'm screwed.

Realistically if you have a long commute, what time are you going to be able to get to "D"MILs

If you don't try you won't know, it might be good for him because she can help occupy them/ help with food prep. It also puts the responsibility firmly in his camp.

I really wouldn’t get into that habit either. Your DH will end up keeping them there later than you’d like and you’ll feel like you have even less ability to change it than you do now. Why can’t MIL come to you if you really must see her so often? It would be so much better for your kids who, after all, should be everyone’s priority, and it doesn’t sound like they’re anyone’s at the moment.

why can MIL not come to you? whats the deal there?

She has young kids ...

Wow. Why am I being so stupid.

Start saying NO to her.

I can't imagine having to go to a relatives or anybody's house twice a week like it was a standing order.

That is just insane.

You're going to have to put the well-being of your children and yourself ahead of some sulky feelings from your DH or your MIL.

They really will get over it.

Okay I've decided. I'm going to put my foot down, be respectful but firm as I will end up getting depressed otherwise that's the truth.

Life goes on and my sister has given me the details of her sleep consultant. Thanks everyone x

Genuinely, why are you?

Oh sorry, I think I made assumptions! I assumed a basic 9-5 job and you mentioned a long train journey for your commute - where I work, that’s around 1.5hrs door to door!ugh better to have 20-30 mins of course!

So is your DH’s plan to do whatever with the children and have his mum do whatever with the children on the days you work, and then for you to pick up the pieces on the days you don’t work? Nah, also not ok. And mostly not in the DCs’ best interests. They need stability and a routine, especially as soon they’ll be in a school or pre-school schedule. You’re only going to have a few months of both of them being around full time.

oh.. i assumed MIL meant her children were grown up given that you are in a relationship with her son and you have children yourself?

i'm very confused now

Me too a bit confused with your mil have young kids? As one of the posters have pointed out, it is vital they get into early sleep routine for their brain development as well as their physical growth. With your current routine, you are basically restricting both brain and growth development just because you can't set boundaries.

Honestly there is a lot more to this dynamic, it's all very strange. I think I am ready to do my own thing.

i think you need to start getting a routine going now... you must be exhausted! that 3 year old needs to be in bed certainly by 7! and now you have a new baby, a routine is more important than ever.

why does your MIL insist you visit 2 or 3 times a week? i understand you say she has young children, but so do you? why can she not bring her young children to you, why do you need to see her 2 or 3 times a week even?

i agree it is all very strange.

Do you know what. Mumsnet has never done me so much good. I genuinely never thought I had a problem but now I realise this is a huge problem. No wonder I'm exhausted, I'm having the kids awake for too long and running around to see everyone.

I was a fairly laid-back parent but being out in someone else's house after 7.30 on a weeknight would have killed me. Your 3 year old should be beginning to drop a nap and needs an early bedtime. Routines are really important - for the sanity of parents but also children really do need their sleep routine.

She can come to you for early dinner once a week and help with bedtime. What is wrong with that? Oh wait a sec just saw she has young kids so it doesn't suit her - hilarious.

Just one tip tackle one piece at a time because the last thing you need is tantrum central from over tired children trying to get out the door . Nothing like crying on your way to work! 😀

Welcome to the Matrix 😂

Honestly what you are doing now is very far from usual for such small children.

I think you've been a boiled frog. Pre-children having these visits until midnight then thinking what you have now is an acceptable compromise. It isn't. Even when not working.

Most families with young children don't visit/have visitors during the week and if they do, it fits round the family routine.

You and DH seem to be expected to fit round MIL routine to the detriment of your children. You need to stop this now.

Your 3 year old has likely poor sleep habits (as evidenced by long day naps at that age) that show they are sleep deprived already.

That will impact their development and if you don't sort this before they start school you are going to be royally buggered and they will be disadvantaged educationally.

You need to start setting some clear boundaries that centre your children and your marriage first and foremost.

Well done for reaching out for help.

The dynamic sounds odd. It might help to write more about it and work out what's ok and what's not ok for you. Everyone is different but YOU are the mum here, you get to decide what works for your family.