7 year old friendship issues

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Hi, just interested in opinions/advice on this as I can't work out what the best thing to do is. A couple of months ago, another mum who I know slightly complained to me that my 7yo DD, who had been friends with her DD, was upsetting her by always asking her to come and play, dictating the game they played and apparently DD once hit this girl with her lunch box (which DD denied). I took it very seriously and had a chat with DD and we discussed acceptable behaviour and how we treat our friends. I separately had a chat with the teacher, who said it was probably just a personality clash and she would mention it to the other school staff and they would support this girl and DD in building other friendships. As I'd been told by the mum that her DD was very upset, I told DD that she needed to leave this girl alone and find other friends to play with. So we've worked very hard for the past couple of months to build other friendships for DD, both in and out of school. But the mum is now complaining to me that DD won't play with her child in the playground and just ignores her and this is unkind, so I feel I really can't win here!

Bumping.

I found around the age of 7 to be exactly when my girls started to have issues in friendship groups.
it sounds like your stuck in a rock and a hard place.
Ide do the same as you and encourage my child to speak other company. How has your daughter felt not being able to talk to this friend? Has it been benefiting her? If so ide continue this rout.

At the end of the day your DD (or anyone!) Can't be forced to play with others they don't want to. If it was partner work or in a lesson, fair enough, she would have to as different context, but in her own free time? Not really imo.

Honestly, helping children that age, particularly girls, negotiate friendships is a nightmare! They fall in and out of friendships so easily and quickly that it’s pointless and counterproductive getting involved.
Unless anyone is bullying anyone else I would stay out of it. If the child’s mother continues to bother you just tell her you can’t force your daughter to play with hers and you aren’t going to try. By all means speak to your daughter in a general way about being kind and including others if she can, but that’s about all you can do.

Thank you! Obviously DD, being 7, can understand clear guidance such as don't play with this girl at the moment, but she can't understand being told that she can't play with this girl unless this girl wants to play with her, in which case she has to play with her in case she gets upset. I think the current situation does seem to be improving things for DD, who seems happier and calmer playing with others.

Either the other family are extremely sensitive and abit mad - which is what you are implying - or your Dd has been abit
mean here and jolly well knows it. Suspect the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I think you have to phrase it as 'if she wants to play with hot/cold friend' rather than having to play with the hot/cold friend.

If the mum contacts you again say something along the lines of her not having to play with the 'friend' if she doesn't want to.

You daughter must be in tenter hooks wondering if this other child is going to want to play with her or not.

The other mum sounds a nightmare. I'd be tempted to block/mute/be unavailable.

Read Margaret Atwoods book cats eye she captures the dynamics of 7 year old girls so well - chilling.

I found the 'smart girl' self help books helpful in navigating this time. For me this pre teen stage was much harder to navigate than the teenage stage (so far!).

DD can be a bit full-on, which is why I wasn't defensive when the issue was raised but encouraged her to give this friend some space. But obviously that's quite a difficult concept for a 7yo to implement tactfully. DD is quite a straightforward child, I'd say, not malicious but, as I said, can be full-on. She's less mature in terms of her interests than this other girl (and I would have said less socially adept), which is where I think the problem started - this girl had moved on in her friendships a bit and DD hadn't got the message and was still bugging her to play.

Oh and the lessons from this pre teen stage seemed to take years to embed but seems to be bearing fruit now (late teen) .

Thank you - I will do. It would be helpful to understand these things a bit better.

Gosh me again. I'm not a fan of the blanket 'be kind' message, especially if the child has tendencies that way.

I would be honest with the mum actually. "You told me that my DD was upsetting yours, so I told her to play with other children, but now that seems to be wrong too. I think it's better if we stop interfering and let the girls figure it out for themselves." In general, I think it's best not to get too involved in 7yo friendships unless there is bullying involved.

Issues within school unless serious should be wherever possible addressed by school. I would not talk to your dd about this. And respond. ‘I thought our girls weren’t getting along too well from your last message. I spoke to dd and the school about this at the time and the teacher said she’d keep an eye on thing and offer support as needed. Perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to the school as well as I have done all I can to smooth things along.’ I’d also give the teacher a quick heads up that the mum is asking you to get involved in playground politics again.

Oh and to add to my last post, the most I’d do is ask who she played with today, what games she played etc… and perhaps ask about the girl at some stage in a casual way.

At this age, let kids play with whoever they want. Don't interfere with their dynamics. Any issues talk to school, and they will iron them out. I had a mum complaining about my child's treatment of hers. I took it seriously. I spoke to her about it, and told her off. Got to school the next day and she complained again, she got mine mixed up with a different girl?! So I don't listen to other parents now. I'd just chat and ask if anything happened, then ask the teachers to keep an eye on it. Some parents are werid.

I second this! She cant have it every way! Part of growing up is learning social interactions and how to handle appropriately.

but she can't understand being told that she can't play with this girl unless this girl wants to play with her, in which case she has to play with her in case she gets upset

Tbh i dont think she should be playing with this girl if she doesn’t want to or only because ‘it will upset said friend’.

Obviously your dd shouldn’t exclude the friend. But if the friend wants to play with her, it is also ok for your dd to say NO. Whatever the reason is - she wants to be on her own, play with someone else, doesn’t want to play the game friend is proposing etc etc….

id concentrate on reminding your dd to be polite/not excluding people whilst reminding her it’s ok to say NO.

⬆️⬆️ as a message for the other mum.

I think sometimes children of that age take things too literally and then other children take sides. I told me daughter not to play with another child because the other child wasn’t being nice. It was silly bickering really so I just said ‘stay away from her, play with someone else’. Unfortunately my daughter took this as she wasn’t allowed to play with other girl and this then resulted in her telling everyone at school she wasn’t allowed to play with girl and groups and games all ended up being split accordingly and just caused more hassle as either my daughter or the other girl was ‘left out’ of each game.

I think this mum is being a bit over the top/this other little girl is a bit whiney because what is your child actually meant to do! They said she was being too much, so she has (with a 7 yr olds brain) stepped back as asked - now that's not right and she has to perfect a "be friendly but not too friendly" stance with a girl who (bluntly from a 7 yr olds perspective) dobbed her in for being too clingy and (as you've said) she doesn't have much in common with.
I think as long as there's no bullying, inappropriate language (including anything unkind like name calling), physical altercations or deliberate exclusion then leave them to it. They BOTH need to learn how to be around each other, perhaps your dd does need to tone it down a bit without excluding her, but the other girl needs to learn how to ask to play/join in a bit without running to her mum (I suspect).
I would just focus on your dd and helping her develop her social skills, expand her friends through clubs and sports, observe her on playdates and give her any tips if needs be and I'd tell the other mum that you'd already asked DD to step back as she'd requested and that's really all you can do.
My son told me (age 8) he was being "left out" it turned out he just didn't like the game his friends were playing - we discussed making other friends, joining in with the game a bit and trying to tweak it, or coming up with ideas the others liked. I certainly didn't run to the other mums insisting they play with my son, it wouldn't have helped his cause I don't think and they need to learn to figure this stuff out before the teen years.

Agree with this.

I don't think you should get involved with your child's friendships in any way. No to bullying of course. But if DD doesn't want to play she doesn't want to play. It's up to the kids to work it out. That's the whole point of school. Not for the parents to work it out for them.

I would ignore the other Mum.

She doesn’t get to dictate who YOUR child plays with based on what HER child wants on a particular day/week. Which is what is actually happening here behind the scenes.

I have been down this road with my DD. My biggest mistake was buying in to this type of bullshit.

School deal with this type of stuff. Parents are too invested in their own child.