Angry family member

[YourJollySwan]

Hello im after a bit of advice, my sister who is 28 im 33 we both have 2 girls same age so our children are such good friends, we do everything together, we live a street away so our kids are always out playing. My sister os a very hot headed person, always screaming and shouting effing and blinding, me im the exact opposite, her children love coming to my house and me visiting, Anyway my 9 year old daughter came to me and said she is really scared of my sister so i told that her aunty loves her and she would never hurt her but I'll sort it.
I called my sister and said hey pop round for 5, she did. I said my daughter came to me and said she is scared of you her forst words were well why? I said you are always shouting and angry and its made her feel this way, she said well im not walking on egg shells around your daughter so keep her away from me.... I said well if you cant act accordingly and not make my kid feel scared then ok. She has blocked me off everything, wont let her daughters come to play now and is saying that her feelings are hurt, this was 10 days ago now, what should i do? Thanks for reading x

Look: there is nothing you can do. She likes to be outraged, out of control, rude, and verbally aggressive. She will only accept you and your child in her life as long as you submit, lie flat, and let her shriek and abuse as much as she wants.

Your daughter has told you what she needs. You have to break the cycle of abuse.

I have a sister like that.
There's nothing you can do about her explosive behaviour.
Best to give her a wide berth and keep your daughter away from her.

You do nothing.

I’m surprised that you’d allow your dd to go to your sister’s without you when you know that she’s ‘always screaming and shouting effing and blinding’ I would protect my kids from someone like that.

Has she ever shouted at your children in front of you?

Thanks for all your replies, no she has never shouted at my children in front of me, or when im not there, she says she will 'tell all the children off if they are out of line' yes my daughter says she doesn't want to go there again and i respect what she says. Im sad because i love the children and she wont let us see them now

Id like to add my daughter is very outspoken and will defend herself which i have always told her to do. This is something my sister doesn't like as her children are very into themselves and wont talk.

I would keep your daughter away from her. She is abusive and it's your job to protect her.

No wonder they don't talk. Poor kids. I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like a painful and difficult situation.

So she has never shouted at your children on the years of very close contact?

I've got a friend a little like that.

Not sweary but has shouted at her kids in front of mine and frightened them before a few times.

She's got firm for being very sharp and blunt.

Funnily enough did it to me via message yesterday so I didn't respond because quite frankly I'm getting abit fed up with not knowing where I am.

The day before she was messaging me happy as Larry and even the evening before but then the next morning boom she's off again.

I left it yesterday and didn't actually reply because I was quite taken aback.

Subsequently I had three messages this morning so eventually replied to say I'd only actually asked a question as I'd already asked previously and was still waiting on a response but not to worry I've sorted it myself now.

The reply was that she was stressed.

Well there's still no reason to be rude to other people especially when literally the day before they helped you out with something.

Anyway I'm rambling but I've decided today that I'm stepping bak because it's too frequent that the mood swings happen and I don't like being on the end of them to be honest.

Maybe just carry on how you are and shel soon realise.

If not then at least your dd doesn't have to listen to it

Nothing you can do. She's told you bluntly that she has no intention of changing her behaviour, so you prioritise your daughter and don't force her to be around someone who frightens her. You can't control her behaviour, you can only control how you respond to it. Let her have her sulk and leave her to it.

@steamingbeet i wouldn't say shouted id say told off, if the kids have played rough, or hurt one of the little ones, ive stepped in a few times and told her not to argue with my daughter as it's childish and she seems to forget she is a kid but its eye balling my daughter, or getting herself involved if daughter asks for something, say if we are out and she wants a drink she tells me daughter no you dont meed a drink and we have had a few fallings out over this, and my daughter just wants nothing to do with her, ive had enough myself tbh she is very abusive to our mum also so their relationship is very rocky but my mum seems scared of her and wont call her oit on her behaviour towards the children, my mum actually told me she does the same with my other sisters son

She's upset and her feelings are hurt?

I'd be telling her it's the same for your DD, she's upset with hurt feelings too. I'd ask her why she thinks her hurt feelings are more important that your child's? After all, she's an adult and should be able to control herself. And bloody apologise when she's upset someone, frankly.

@GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut yes this is the exact same thing i have said!
She stormed out my house blocked me and phoned our mum to express her upset feelings, pathetic woman

Oh, hang on a minute - X post.

So she's just an abusive arsehole to everyone then?

All the poor DC and your poor DM too. This is more than a spat about her being a bit shouty sometimes.

Keep your DD away from her.

No one is allowed to tell one of my DC when I am there whether or not they need a drink. I would regard that as unacceptable interference. It’s up to parents - she has no right to take over like that.

And that’s before we get to her shouty behaviour.

childish and she seems to forget she is a kid but its eye balling my daughter, or getting herself involved if daughter asks for something, say if we are out and she wants a drink she tells me daughter no you dont meed a drink and we have had a few fallings out over this, and my daughter just wants nothing to do with her, ive had enough myself tbh she is very abusive to our mum

WTF? I wouldn’t have my children within a 5 mile radius of your sister and until recently you and her seem to have practically lived together with your children.

She is very abusive to your mum and you allow your children to be in her company. unattended??!!

the mum that she is “very abusive” to?

You asked what can you do OP - sit back and enjoy the peace without Explosive Ellie ruining things :)

I definitely agree with the consensus that you've done the right thing and there's nothing else you can or should do now. But I just wanted to add that I can appreciate how mixed you probably feel: she's your sister and I'm sure it hurts especially given that you and your children must be missing your nieces and feeling sad for them. It's a hard situation and I'm sorry you're going through it. As someone who can be prone to hot headedness I also wanted to add that her reaction is almost certainly because she would rather play the victim and convince herself and everyone else that she's nkt anything wrong than to address the shame she should be feeling about her behaviour. I hope she gets it but you need to accept that she might not and that's on her and not you x

She's abusive and she wants/needs control. Of course she's blocked you she's loosing control and can't cope. Dont give in, I feel sorry for your neices and your Mum but there is little you can do. It's not ok to behave as she does and your DD is your priority

Sorry you are going through this, OP.

Your DSIS sounds just like mine. She has always been a nasty piece of work who bullied the whole family from her teenage years onwards. Luckily she got married and moved abroad when I was 16 so haven't had to deal with her nonsense day to day since then. Have been on just one family visit to her since then, during which she casually said she enjoys shouting at people and scaring them. That visit ended with her having a screaming fit at my DM and throwing her out onto the street! We all left and rented a lovely holiday flat for the rest of the time we had there and actually had a lovely time from there!

Since that visit she had DC and my parents went to visit. They were very worried by my DSIS constantly shouting and screaming at them but little they could do. A few years later DSIS went to stay with by parents and she stayed at mine for a week and met my DC. Longest week of my life! I developed an overwhelming feeling of needing to protect DC from her, even though she didn't actually shout at them (she knows I would have chucked her out if she had) but I just felt a feeling of threat from her. I resolved then that she would never meet them again.

I know it's hard, OP, as she is family and lives so close, but you really need to cut contact with her to protect your DC. Try to keep communication up with your DNs if you can and let them know they can knock on your door anytime they need. Poor kids, so sad for them

So your daughter takes after her auntie then 😆!

her children are very into themselves and wont talk.

Those poor children having to live with her. Where is their dad in all of this?

Your sister sounds like my mother I was scared all the time.
Constant shouting and swearing.
So loud when she spoke you could hear her out side as I got older I saw her as a bully.
Been no contact for years now.
And I still scared of loud noises and drama.
I never let her near my children.