Teenage back chat advice

[No1toldmeaboutit]

My DS12 has recently started to back chat/be rude quite a bit and I’m just looking for some advice on how to deal with it.

an example last night I came in there was an empty sweets wrapper on the floor, I said to him ‘have you had a packet of sweets?’ His response was ‘yes and what’ in a cocky manner. I was simply going to ask him to put the wrapper in the bin.

how would you respond in this situation? It’s constant at the moment and he has an answer or comment for everything I say. Sometimes I can say can you pick that up for me please and the response will be I didn’t put it there. I don’t care who put it there I’ve asked you to pick it up. Or when I shout him as his dinner it ready I’ll get back I’m coming now in a really arsey tone.

its driving me mad and I just wanted to know if anyone had any words of wisdom on how to nip it in the bud?

I’m mostly here for advice as we also have a mardy 12year old! I try and bring humour into it where possible, but often resort to a “oi, don’t talk to me like that” he knows there is the implied threat that if he is in trouble he will lose his tech time. I do get a lot of “what have I done” though. It’s hard. I wish I had answers!

I find normally a long stare and a raised eyebrow enough to make DS start to question himself followed by, if no apology forthcoming “do you really think it is acceptable to speak to any human being like that, let alone your mother” works so far.

And you can pick up your own damn rubbish that’s what, and you can empty the additional bathroom and kitchen rubbish bins outside for the cheek.

It might not have been my greatest parenting technique, but I showed DS a few clips of Kevin & Perry then went full on Kevin if he started 🤷🏼‍♀️

It was extremely effective 😂

I do find The Death Stare as mentioned by Keely79 very effective too.

Paddington hard stare and a raised eyebrow usually works well at home. Although DD is autistic and actually doesn't recognize when she has a bit of a tone but will always apologise.

I was once told by a very experienced teacher never to say please. 'Please' is a request, it's optional. Giving the instruction with a 'Thank you' at the end assumes they'll do the task and you are thanking him in advance. It works as well at home as in the classroom.

Instead of having a conversation about sweet wrappers and who they belong to and the rights and wrongs of who picks it up "Fred, can you pick that wrapper up for me and pop it in the bin next to the side table, thank you"

If you get a "It's not mine"

Then you make them think theyre doing you a favour "Oh, I know it's probably not yours, you wouldn't just chuck wrappers on the floor but my backs twinging, thank you I appreciate it"

Low level cheekiness/sarcasm I'd probably ignore to a certain extent, maybe a raised eyebrow mum look! Actual rudeness, I'd respond with a sharp 'watch your lip' and a reminder that I don't give lifts/pocket money/pay for phones/have friends over for people who are rude to me i.e. I do these things because I love you but I don't HAVE to do them!

I did that to my daughter and it worked! So funny!

To me, your initial enquiry sounds like an accusation so he has responded with an attack.

Someone has dropped a sweet wrapper. Or can you pick this wrapper up would have been a less confrontational way of putting it.

Whoops pressed too early!

I say things like do not speak to me like that.

For something like that, I'd sternly say "Why are you talking to me in that tone?"
Anything more arsey and I've said "Do not dare speak to me like that!"
Set the expectation now otherwise it's harder to change when they're arsey 16 yr olds.

This is amazing parenting. I'll be doing this!

The one where he turns 13 still makes me laugh.........(mother to three adult sons and survived🤣) ......don't worry they all become human again by about 16🥰

The look and "excuse me?" said in a scary tone has so far worked to get them to back track and apologise. They've tried it a couple of times, but not taken it very far because they know full well I won't accept being spoken to disrespectfully, teenager or not, every person deserves to be spoken to respectfully.

don't sweat the small stuff, there will be bigger stuff to be going at it with them for. Cheek to a certain extent is part of them growing up but bad cheek/rudeness is always called out.

@LouLomumoftwo "and what" is rude, if you don't sweat about the small stuff they could keep pushing the boundaries to find what you will sweat about, in my experience it is better to be consistent and to have high standards for respect, if you wouldn't be happy with an adult (or child) talking to you that way, there is no reason to accept it from a teenager for an easier life in the short run. It makes life harder in the long run otherwise.

My go-to is usually a really calm 'Hmm I think you'd better try that one again'. And they'll usually take a breath and do better.

But that's in the context of us talking a lot about kindness & respect- and DH & I model that in how we talk to the kids and each other. Sometimes we'll point that out eg 'Dad and I don't talk to you like that and we don't talk to each other like that - it's not ok for you too talk to me like that either'

My son is autistic so we have to explicitly teach what respectful communication looks/sounds like. Eg 'mate, those words were fine, but the tone sounded a bit aggressive, it doesn't feel good to be talked to like that'

Mine go to is speak to me like that again and I’ll take your phone, usually works. If not then said phone is taken. It’s also connected to my iPhone so any cheek on the phone and favourite apps can be turned off or the whole thing depending on level of cheek/attitude

’and my darling you seem to have mistaken the floor for a bin…FIX IT!’

I think you should sweat the small stuff. Being a decent person is based on a foundation of small things.

Mine get the ‘look’ if I’m unimpressed by their tone.
I have almost zero tolerance for it.
I refuse to be spoken to like a servant or an idiot in my own home.
And you ask nicely or it doesn’t happen.

I showed my son the episode of inbetweeners jay jumping on the car saying football friend. Then said, do not be a Jay, he is the clown and a fool. Being a Jay will not work out well for you. He was shocked I showed him it as he has bo idea of my own teenage antics and thinks he is being original. He is not, Ha.

'And what?' appears in our house too - I assume it's the current retort at school.

Mine were all also shown Kevin turns into a teenager and bless them, they all humoured me by doing the whole 'I hate you, no one understands me!' on their long past 13th birthdays!

Back to the issue in hand. When I get backchat, I like to remind my mid teens who they want lifts from to get to where they want to be (we don't near any public transport, lifts are always needed) and that those lifts might not be forthcoming if they behave like brats. Generally so far they realise if they have behaved like dickheads and will apologise.

Interesting about not saying 'please' up thread. I've always said please and thank you and expect the same from my children if they ask me to do something for them, so it would seem alien to me. But useful to have up my sleeve if needed!

My theory with my son (now 19) was to pick my battles and choose which hills I wanted to die on.
So I would let some things go, but others I would fight to the death. You need to decide which things are important to you.
if he really overstepped then he would know about it, but if he was just being a bit grumpy or cheeky I’d usually let it go or pick it up with a little joke like, “ooh you’ll not be wanting those roast potatoes I’m cooking, that’s good, more for me” or “ you’ll not be wanting a lift to x later then”

You do come out the other side though. My son is now at uni and we spent over an hour tonight having a chat on FaceTime and he was lovely company when we went on holiday at Easter. Hang in there it gets better!

Well, that one was on you. The way you phrased it probably sounded accusatory to him because you knew very well who left the wrappers on the floor. You should have just asked “please can you pick those wrappers up and put them in the bin.” He will probably still be a grumpy teenager about doing it but won’t snap back because you’ve asked what you want him to do, not goading about whether he did it or not.

I had the absolute pleasure of having two boys 15 month apart so it was one after the other in our house - I would always follow through on any threat so they knew I meant them!! If I said talk to me like that again and all tv and games are getting took out of your rooms and they did - I didn’t even pull them up on it I literally walked in their rooms took tv’s/games consoles etc out without saying a word! It didn’t take long for them to realise threats were not idle and respect worked both ways!!