Teenage back chat advice

[No1toldmeaboutit]

My DS12 has recently started to back chat/be rude quite a bit and I’m just looking for some advice on how to deal with it.

an example last night I came in there was an empty sweets wrapper on the floor, I said to him ‘have you had a packet of sweets?’ His response was ‘yes and what’ in a cocky manner. I was simply going to ask him to put the wrapper in the bin.

how would you respond in this situation? It’s constant at the moment and he has an answer or comment for everything I say. Sometimes I can say can you pick that up for me please and the response will be I didn’t put it there. I don’t care who put it there I’ve asked you to pick it up. Or when I shout him as his dinner it ready I’ll get back I’m coming now in a really arsey tone.

its driving me mad and I just wanted to know if anyone had any words of wisdom on how to nip it in the bud?

I think you're phrasing things wrong - think of the outcome you want. You want him to tidy up after himself not just today but in general going forward. It's like being at work - you speak with the other person respectfully in way for both of you together reach the right outcome without it being a drama! So something like "hey could you please pop that in the bin so we can keep our house tidy, thanks!" just makes it easier for everyone and isnt one person against the other.
Do NOT pick it up yourself - it's amazing how many parents do this, i.e. ask/threaten and then just do it themselves because they think it's easier - no no no!

To be honest I think asking him whether he’s had any sweets whilst looking at a sweet wrapper is a really annoying question. Maybe he feels like you’re being invasive. Are you always asking him what he’s doing? Do you knock before you go into his room. I think space and privacy is sensible at this age (privacy within reason). 15 is hard as hormones are all over the place. My advice - stop asking silly questions.

Just to add I feel it’s annoying because it’s a bit of a judgemental no point question.

A very pointed, ‘I BEG YOUR PARDON YOUNG MAN’ usually works for me, but I’d be tempted to follow up with a ‘nicer’ chat around how everyone deserves to feel relaxed and comfortable at home, and that rests on speaking respectfully to each other.

And if it happens again: take phone etc.

But yes also, in this instance I would have phrased it differently; ‘Thanks for grabbing that wrapper for me, pop it in the bin could you?’. It assumes compliance and it’s non-blaming.

I have the same occasionally from my 3 older kids, 14, 12 and 10. (It is more than usual atm because ive just had a baby so they're testing boundaries etc, as we expected they would) For low level cheek or back chat they get a raised eyebrow and a " shall we try that again".. they usually back track quickly, if not I match their energy and they quickly realise the issue. For more unreasonable attitude and blatant disrespect, a sharp "who do you think you're speaking to like that" along with the mom stare generally gets the job done.. if not, loss of tech or extra chores definitely works.

Edit to add- they are generally really good kids and I don't have many problems from them other than attitude so im definitely not complaining!

There are other children in the house so could have been any of theirs, he has form for leaving empty wrappers/packets wherever he has lashed them. He is also 12 not 15