Have I accidentally spoiled my 4 year old?

[Lesleyknopeswaffleiron]

Just that really - I worry that I might have spoiled him.

DS is 4 and a Covid baby. We are first time parents with no family or support network nearby, and DH works shifts (though v hands-on when he’s around). So I’m on my own with DS a lot.

He’s mostly really polite and considerate - says thank you, doesn’t have many tantrums any more. But these last few weeks he’s really started pushing boundaries and saying I want I want I want. Usually a toy. Sometimes I give in, because he’s a good kid and because I had a difficult childhood and didn’t have much growing up. I worry, though, that I’ve overcompensated. They aren’t big toys - just a small thing from Asda when we are out shopping - but he does get what he wants a lot.

He does have other boundaries and I’m pretty good at holding them, but I do worry that he’s not yet learned gratitude for what he’s got. He’s only four, and it’s natural and there’s time for me to teach it.

Any advice?

Ps I don’t have a Time Machine so advice that tells me that I’ve done something wrong in parenting isn’t super helpful - please help me navigate how I might fix my mistake! Thank you.

Just stop. Say no. Don't take him to shops if you can't manage.

We add things to the list. Want a toy? "Well we can put that on the birthday list and decide later which thing to get"

Spoilers: there is no list

He's fine you've done nothing wrong, if he's good and you buy him things sometimes why not. Just don't buy him everything all of the time.

Edit: Obviously only if you can afford it.

He's fine. Just don't buy him something every time. Sounds like a good kid to me!

This is exactly what we do 🤣

Try and put yourself in his shoes.

he's wee and he has poor impulse control.
you take him to the place where the toys live.
He asks for something... and you say yes!

Amazing!

So what's he going to do the next time?

I wouldn't say he's spoiled but you need to start saying no, consistently, to impulse buys and requests.

This - no need to say a straight no and no need to buy it for him. You will be spoiling him if he's says 'I want' and you get it for him because you're setting up that expectation - and it's not good for him in the long run.

Set expectations before you go into the shop. ‘We won’t be buying a toy today but you can choose a nice snack’ or whatever. Repeat ad nauseam. Avoid toy aisles if you need to.

That sounds like fairly normal 4 year old behaviour, TBH. When they realise they can ask for things they're not great at impulse control.

He's saying 'I want I want I want' - that's not good at all.

I'm still doing that with my 15 year old! 😂 although it's not toys now obviously. Trouble is he remembers what went on the list!

I really don’t like children being spoiled, I think it’s really unfair on the children because, yes, naturally it often results in a lack of gratitude and bratty, unlikeable behaviour.

I would also don't get the ‘Covid baby’ description, are you feeling like you have to buy him lots of toys because he was born during Covid?

My 4 year old is allowed a toy as a treat once a month, something cheap and cheerful. It's a big treat for him to go to the toy shop and pick something out. He knows he can't have anything huge.
Outside of that if we're doing the shopping and he's spotted something I'll tell him we can maybe think about it for his birthday/Christmas etc and that always works.

Haha yes we do this but we add it to the Christmas list! I do actually keep a list of what he says so I've got ideas when it comes to birthdays and Christmas

my 4 year old wanted in home bargains yesterday;
a toilet cleaner block (because it was blue) alcopop (because it was blue) cider ( no idea why, not blue) box of passata (he doesn't even like it but I did get it as we needed some!) all the toys, all the pet stuff, the batteries, cleaning stuff.... He actually got some stickers, and the passata I suppose! sometimes he gets nothing at all and I say 'no, we are here to get cat food' or whatever on repeat. I think its vey normal for them to want all the stuff at that age, and its our job to say no sometimes and yes others on occasion. I do the 'put it on your santa/birthday list' too same as Witchswitch too.

I think four is quite a common age to push boundaries/be more confident in pushing boundaries. And they are also much less distractible than a 2-3 year old. A 3yo you say no to something, move to the next aisle in the shop and they have forgotten about it whereas the 4yo will have developed such a strong attachment to the thing they are still talking about it and how unfair it was next week. Actually, I think distraction is a big thing - if you've previously only ever held boundaries via the medium of distraction, then you'll often struggle at four because you've basically got to a point where you actually just have to hold firm and be OK with them being upset about it.

I think a proactive approach is helpful e.g. decide before you're going in a shop if you're going to let him buy something or not, and tell him so it's not even a discussion later. If he kicks off about it later in the shop, remind him that you aren't buying things today and don't be swayed.

Another good tip is to take pictures of or write down things that he sees which he wants for a birthday/Christmas list (or I just call it a wish list).

With my eldest, this was when I also started a rudimentary version of pocket money - it was comics he always wanted, and they are so overpriced. So I started letting him earn "stars" for good behaviour and when he got 5 stars he was allowed to choose a comic. I timed it so he roughly could earn about 5 stars over 1-2 weeks, they weren't allocated for specific things. When we were in a shop and he asked for a comic, I asked him how many stars he had (he could always remember!) and how many more he needed to get to get a comic, so we learnt some basic maths, too.

It is normal. In our family we were all told "I want doesn't get", and this is what I said to our DC too. A simple clear rule.
"I'd like this toy" is the start of a conversation, Christmas or bday might be coming, maybe they can save up, it can be discussed. But I want doesn't get, stops the blatent begging and demanding quite quickly in our experience.

With dd I make a big show of taking a photo of whatever item she’s carrying on about so that we can put it on her birthday list.

I say to them I’ll take a photo so we remember you like it and 90% of the time this is accepted and they are happy with this level of commitment 😅. And then afterwards 99% of the time they forget about it

He’s mostly really polite and considerate - says thank you, doesn’t have many tantrums any more

Sounds like a good kid to me.
Saying I want doesn't make him a bad kid. He's 4.

OP is saying she has no family around so she is alone with her DS a lot. She wouldn't have been able to take him to baby groups and mix him with other kids/ adults etc as he was a covid baby.

We take a photo to "send to Santa". It gets promptly forgotten minutes after leaving the shop, but is actually helpful when it comes to Christmastime!

It might be a hard habit to break, but start saying no now and he'll eventually stop expecting things.

Also, I've found the 6 months before starting school the hardest age - you're doing fine.

I also do this! It works super well. I do actually keep a list though but I only add to it when I remember and I don't add things that she's asked for that I think are utter rubbish that I know she won't actually ever use...! Then I have ideas ready for birthdays/Christmas etc especially if relatives ask what she'd like.

We did something like this, we allowed collectibles but not random toys for no reason generally, if we were away or holidays at home we may have bought more but no meant no simply and we moved on

To break the habit, introduce a reward chart and after x amount of stars for good behaviour he can buy a small toy at the supermarket.

Next, cut back on the amount of toys bought at birthdays and Xmas. No more than 5-10 presents to open. Sounds a lot but this can include one big thing and a few small things…chocolates, clothes etc.

Thirdly, cut down on screen time. Then you will see your dc starts playing with and appreciating the toys he has more, and stops expecting things every time you shop.