Have I accidentally spoiled my 4 year old?

[Lesleyknopeswaffleiron]

Just that really - I worry that I might have spoiled him.

DS is 4 and a Covid baby. We are first time parents with no family or support network nearby, and DH works shifts (though v hands-on when he’s around). So I’m on my own with DS a lot.

He’s mostly really polite and considerate - says thank you, doesn’t have many tantrums any more. But these last few weeks he’s really started pushing boundaries and saying I want I want I want. Usually a toy. Sometimes I give in, because he’s a good kid and because I had a difficult childhood and didn’t have much growing up. I worry, though, that I’ve overcompensated. They aren’t big toys - just a small thing from Asda when we are out shopping - but he does get what he wants a lot.

He does have other boundaries and I’m pretty good at holding them, but I do worry that he’s not yet learned gratitude for what he’s got. He’s only four, and it’s natural and there’s time for me to teach it.

Any advice?

Ps I don’t have a Time Machine so advice that tells me that I’ve done something wrong in parenting isn’t super helpful - please help me navigate how I might fix my mistake! Thank you.

I think pocket money is the answer

4 is a good age for pocket money and learning about budgeting and saving.

id just start giving him pocket money and keep a tally once he has spent his cash that’s it for this week

if he wants the water pistol he has to wait 2 weeks until he has enough money saved

Thank you for all of this feedback - really helpful.

I should clarify my Covid baby comment - exactly that what PP said. I have not had a lot of time with mums with children of similar ages, because baby groups/NCT classes basically stopped, and I haven’t built up that ‘what would you do’ peer network. Which is why I turned to Mumsnet.

It’s hard for me to judge what is ‘normal’ because I don’t know too many four-year-olds, and though I have friends with older kids, you don’t always get to see this bit of parenting in action. I also had hugely challenging post-partum anxiety and I second guess myself a lot.

What I’m taking from the comments is: he’s fine and unlikely to be permanently damaged haha, but that it’s a good idea to reset expectations now; and a few ways to do that are through photos/lists, proactive discussion before we go shopping, rewards and pocket money.

thank you!

Great summary op

I think most of us go through at least some phases of thinking we have created a monster especially around th toddler and teen years when they’re most disregulated

Normal behaviour for a four year old. It is the time to start saying no and sticking to no. They need to learn no and if you say it you shouldn't be repeating yourself.

Definitely normal. Agree that this is a good time to introduce pocket money and for him to understand that the budget for toys is not infinite.

I have an almost 4 yo and the best thing I find is managing expectations.
Our supermarket has the toys next to the cards. They are easy to avoid most of the time but when she has a party we have to go to get a card. Ahead of going to the aisle I tell her, no toys but you get to pick a card for bobs birthday.
We avoid the magazine aisle at all costs! These are a flat no so she does get upset if we are in a shop with them by the tills but within a few minutes of leaving the store she has forgotten.
We have treats hidden at home and she gets a promise of one of these. The facemasks when you make animals or monsters are favourites or a new colouring book. I buy extra whenever I buy for a.party she has been invited too

I think for now you have to decide where you would like to be in a few months and gradually move towards so that his expectations get recalibrate without too much shock!

Ah the ‘Covid baby’ thing makes total sense, I was completely misinterpreting the context then! I’m sorry, that’s very hard to have missed out on those opportunities for meeting parents of similar aged children but when he starts school in September you can hopefully start to get to know some of the parents and have a bit of a local network of local parents of kids the same age (or even just to be able to observe similar aged kids and think ‘ah yes, it’s not just me, lots of his friends are doing that too’. )

I can very much relate to second guessing yourself as a parent but I’ve learned that in a lot of situations even if you decide you’ve made the wrong judgement call on something, you can switch approaches and ‘row back’ on things a lot of the time as long as you’re firm and consistent with the new way of doing things. Especially alongside an age appropriate explanation of why you’re going to be doing things differently. It’s ok to change our mind on things. Also, you sound like a very thoughtful and compassionate parent which goes an awfully long way to getting things ‘right’!

Just say no.

buying toys randomly does create spoilt children IMO.

New toys should be saved for birthdays and Christmas and occasions like they’ve achieved something special, worked really hard at something.

This seems to be really common at this age - I messaged on a mum fb group I am on (we were all due in the same month back in 2020) and gosh, pretty much of all them said 'What has happened to my child?!' and the change is almost overnight. She has never been a bother, sensitive, sweet and polite and now everything is 'No!' or 'Mine!' and shes started being purposely destructive to get a reaction etc.

There is a developmental leap at this age, so many neurons are firing off in their brain, so many big feelings and increased need for independence etc,

I cant lie, its been a sharp hard turn to deal with, especially as she has also started biting.

Remain calm. Hold the boundary. Say no and mean it but also - pick your battles. Some things arent worth fighting over. I dont care if she wants to eat her breakfast on the blue plate rather than the red one I got out.

Acknowledge the feeling - its fine to be angry/sad/disappointed etc. So for me, when DD gets angry I say 'Thats ok to be angry - but I will not let you bite me.' I am acknowledging the valid emotional response while also showing her I am in charge.

Repercussions are relative and immediate e.g 'If you cannot use the paints properly, I will have to take them away. Lets paint on the paper.' and when she then stares me dead in the eye while painting the fucking wall, I take the paints off her and say 'Ok, as you cant use the paint properly at the moment I am going to put them away.' and then let her have the meltdown.

I have also found using the word 'Yes' is more effective than no. So when she demands she wants to watch Bing at bed time, I will say 'Yes, you can watch Bing tomorrow. Now its time for bed!'

And just to say, I have cried in the toilet LOADS because PHEW.

Also to add I dont think they are MEANT to be grateful at 4! They dont understand that. I think proper gratitude is closer to 7.

Thanks all, good tips

One of my various challenges is that I’m bloody knackered, and so my resilience and strength in the face of preschooler opposition is mixed. I know I need to get better, and when I’m on form, I’m brilliant. But when I’m feeling depleted, which is more often than I’d like, I struggle with the whining. I don’t think I am ND, but I definitely feel overstimulated and find the whining hard to take. So I make promises I don’t mean to make just to make the noise stop!

Still, I think he’s pretty stable, well-rounded and polite, and I’m broadly good
at boundaries. Already your tips are helping though, thank you!

My son is 3.5 and saying I want a lot. And also 'you want' ie 'you want to play with me mummy!'

Very similar situation to you, nice good kid, no family or friends nearby so its just me and him most of the time, plus my husband (his dad) at weekends.

We correct him each time to 'please can I have' or ' please will you play with me' etc.

I buy him lots of random things but not everything he asks for. I usually say, let's ask Daddy when he gets home and of course, its forgotten 3 seconds later.

I'm also super strict on manners and listening to me when it comes to being safe. I brook no arguing/messing with those so he knows firm boundaries so I don't worry too much about the fun side of parenting!