Husband make me feel like a nanny around in-laws

[Ladybuglamp]

I have a 6mo baby girl and our in-laws live a few hours away, we tend to see them once a month or so.

Whenever we spend time with them, I am starting to feel more and more like a paid nanny for my husband and his family.

They tend to want to do really baby unfriendly activities - like golf or bike rides. I’m expected to stay at home with DD or just go for a walk and meet them afterwards.

They also don’t give much consideration to meal times. They eat very late when I would usually be putting her to bed, so she’s always in a foul mood and I have to hold her on my lap. Nobody offers to hold her once they are finished eating and tend to just watch me struggle / ignore me.

we recently went away and stayed somewhere with a hot tub, I went to put DD to bed and when I returned half an hour later, they had all got in the hot tub in the garden. I couldn’t really go in the hot tub as I needed to watch the monitor and be ready to go to comfort DD if needed. so sat like a bit of a lemon watching them. They didn’t make any effort to try and include me in conversation. I could see husband felt awkward and was trying to include me, but didn’t do a very good job of it,

eventually they decided to get out and all wanted to shower. They went in the house and started shouting/slamming doors which woke DD up. I then had to spend another half hour with her resettling her, but nobody seemed to be bothered.

It’s really starting to get on my nerves and I’m most annoyed at my husband about it all. Part of me sometimes think I should let him have fun with his family, but it’s his daughter too and he needs to share the load. He is usually a great Dad but seems to forget
himself around his family.

I also then start to feel really resentful when my in laws do want to cuddle and take photos of DD. I feel like I will spend ages rocking her to sleep or getting her calm - and then they all want to hold her. This inevitably wakes her up or upsets her again, as she doesn’t know them very well. It’s exhausting!

My own parents are really helpful and always offering to hold her whilst I eat, take her for a walk in the pram to get her off to sleep, happy to schedule things around her etc, The contrast makes it even worse!!!

is this typical behavour? AIBU to feel
annoyed?

I think you need a clear conversation with your DH about how care of your DD is shared around his family and that it isn’t fair to just go off and to ask his parents to take baby’s routine into account with meal times; my parents and my pil do this when we stay with them and I don’t think it’s a big ask.
If no change then I’d be tempted to say I’m not going if that’s how it is going to be.

Explain to him you will try some new rules so you don’t feel like the hired help. He holds baby for meals, he resettles baby when they’ve been woken up, he alternates with you in the hot tub for christs sake how is that one not obvious to him?
and say if you just end up stepping back and not parenting your baby then we won’t be going. I’ll stay home with baby in my own home and your parents won’t get to know your baby.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Have a chat with him about it and give it one more chance if it doesn't change then either he takes the baby alone or you stay at yours with the baby.

OP
No offence but rather than write the long OP, please spend a bit of time with your DH and tell him how you feel/felt/etc and what you expectations are

Good luck

You only see them once a month. This isn’t an issue. Just arrange your own activities with daughter when you’re there so you don’t always get trapped in the house.

That’s really selfish of him op!!

i wouldn’t go with them and make sure dh knows why

Next time just say - oh I thought it would be lovely for you to spend time with DD and your parents, I'm off for a coffee/shopping etc.

If he questions simply say it isn't enjoyable and a good use of your time and it's stressful. Explain you would be happy to go if things change and he steps up but otherwise the visits are best done by him.

Yes sending dd with them while you have an hour or two to yourself is genius !!

I don't understand why you couldn't join them in the hot tub. It would only take a minute or so to jump out and put a dressing gown on before going to your DD.

I'd stop going with him.

He either takes DD on his own or goes without both of you.

Speak up for yourself.

If they don't like it, you don't have to go.

I love this idea! I also have problems with my mil and we are off to stay this weekend. Just genius! My husband absolutely does all his fair share, it is just friction I have with my mil. Do this op! I'd say it's a win win. Rise above it all and do whatever the hell you want to.

"OK everyone, I'm off out. Here you go DH, enjoy. See you in about 4 hours!" Do that each day 😀💯 then come back and say "oof I'm knackered! Hot tub time for me! DH, the baby monitor is in the lounge. Catch you later, I've got a bottle of wine with my name on it"

I wish I could see all their faces 🤣🤣🤣

If you have just let this go and haven't already had a very clear conversation about this with your husband, then you are being massively unreasonable.

He either parents his child when visiting or you and the baby aren't going.

Would you really have wanted to share a posh bath with your ils? Grim things hot tubs..... How about you start taking turns with dd when with ils? Drop her with dh and go off and do something you want to do. Even just in another room.. . Even just a cuppa in peace...

This. Absolutely this.

be CLEAR with your h and tell him how to help you AND tell him too that HE needs to pull his weight

why can’t you put LO to bed then eat? Work it backwards if possible

as for the hot tub/monitor, there is no reason why you couldn’t have the monitor nearby. Have a towel robe next to you in case you have to get out, or DH… if everyone is up and about and she starts to cry, you go to her. If it’s 15secs or even a minute it’s ok. Babies cry. They will just have to hear it. I think this could be a bit of him and them being clueless and you being slightly hyper vigilant (understandable as it’s still early days) but LET him pick up some of the tasks “your turn DH..” and hand him the towel robe.

i think somehow you’re potentially rushing in to sort things out, leaving no space for anyone else to do their bit and then feeling resentful that nobody is helping.

communicate and tell people what you need. You’re going to have to speak up for your daughter for a long while yet, so speak up for yourself and for her.

be clear what works and doesn’t work for you

I think you need to talk to him. Some of the things you say are justified, but some are being a bit of a martyr. Why couldn’t you go in the hot tub if you wanted to (personally I can’t think of anything worse than hot tubbing with my in-laws!)?

Put the child to bed, then have dinner. Or give your husband his daughter to hold whilst you have dinner.

Let him take her on his own one month and then he will get an understanding of what’s involved. Women are pre-programmed to know what to do with a baby, we learn on the fly. He needs that opportunity to learn too.

I think the reason OP isn't putting the baby to bed then having dinner is because then she'd be eating dinner on her own after the others like she's "The Help"

I would just send him up there with his DD by himself and you get to enjoy some peace and quiet &/or catch up with your friends.

If they ask why you're not there then you can explain the last few times you've gone you've been sat on your own whilst they cycled/hiked/did baby-unfriendly activities, so what's the point?

Equally, you could go and when the "activity" begins, hand your DH the baby and get on the bike or whatever and cycle off leaving him to be a parent for a change.

You've BOTH had a child, both of your lives need to change to reflect this. Until your H is actually forced to be a parent, he possibly won't realise how alienating it can be to be left holding the baby while everyone else gets to enjoy adult-only time.

YA absolutely NBU.
My DH did this once , and only once, when we were out at an all day family friendly event with a lot of his friends.
I had an 8 week old and a 3 year old - his friends children were all 10+ .
He went off with his friends and their older children and left me sitting like a lemon at a table with all of ours and his friends belongings.
I gave it over an hour then left a note and left with my DC.
I got home and he arrived back 2 HOURS later, having just got back to the table and finding that we had left. I told him that I was an equal parent with him and not the hired help and if he ever did that again he would be coming back to an empty house.
Op you need to spell it out very clearly or this will just continue.

Maybe a little bit of give and take needed here?

When a visit my in laws, or when they come to us (more often, as they have a nice house with breakable things which are not compatible with our middle two!!!) I expect that DH will want to have long conversations about tiny political details with his dad, and I will do more of the supervision with children. So I do most of the juggling. However, when I have a friend to visit, DH does more of the running around so I can have a decent chat.

Having said that, with a small one, it may be that you are stuck with the lion's share at the moment. DC4 is still ebf, so he doesn't take her out. But when his father visits they might do something child unfriendly in the morning, then take the kids 3 for a walk/to th playground in th afternoon so I've only got the baby. I won't get totally free time until she's old enough to toddle round the playground.

DH did have to be told to do this the first few or two! Now it's just part of the routine. Don't be a silent matyr, speak up!

Family will expect to get a cuddle. So don't spend ages settling tho baby and then let them disturb her. Instead, volunteer a cuddle when she is in a good mood. At This Age Mine Didn't want to be passed off straight away, but if I spent a few minutes holding them where they could see the new person, smiling and chatting and then passed them over while still smiling and chatting and staying nearby then they were usually quite happy for a while. As soon as they started to grukblr is say "oh dear, she must be hungry/tired" and take her back (even if I knew it wasn't those.... diplomacy is not such a bad thing)

A good relationship with family is a wonderful gift to a child. Even if you don't get in with them yourself. I couldn't stand my MIL, but my eldest loved her visits.

Yeah this.

Your husband needs to do more and help out when his parents are about, but you do sound stubborn like you're doing little things like the above to prove a point..

Oh OP. I’ve been there. At one point we stayed with in laws for two weeks when DS was 5 months and I never ate a meal with the family once - they always ate without me as I was busy with DS. Even when I asked if we could eat at a specific time so I can put him down, they never did. And the few times I did eat at the table I ate on my own, and if DS was fussing no one took him off me so I can eat. I fully get that by visiting his family, I will do more of the care, and vice versa, but I remember also feeling like an unpaid nanny.

I didn’t say anything at the time but the resentment built up over time and when DS was 12 months I lost it at DH. We were on holiday and my resentment got to the point where the entire holiday was spent arguing about meaningless stuff and on the plane home I lost it.

Things got much better and we have since had a second child where DH is much more considerate of leaving everything to me, but it has left a bitter taste.

So my advice, speak up now. Tell him how you feel. It’s a slippery slope when you keep it bottled up and resentment can creep up on you without you knowing.

Why don't you say?

You've finished eating, here take dd whilst I eat my food.

Yes they're inconsiderate but instead of seething speak up.

First off put the baby down to eat. Why are you holding her at all? If she fusses say MIL can you sort her out while I am eating. Thanks.

I wonder if they are wanting to be useful but not wanting to step on toes if you are constantly holding and cuddling and rocking the baby?

Yes the activities aren't great but maybe if these bike rides and golf trips are frequent and likely to be ongoing a baby seat and baby back carrier would be good investments and ideas for the ILS to get you and DH as Christmas presents.