Husband make me feel like a nanny around in-laws

[Ladybuglamp]

I have a 6mo baby girl and our in-laws live a few hours away, we tend to see them once a month or so.

Whenever we spend time with them, I am starting to feel more and more like a paid nanny for my husband and his family.

They tend to want to do really baby unfriendly activities - like golf or bike rides. I’m expected to stay at home with DD or just go for a walk and meet them afterwards.

They also don’t give much consideration to meal times. They eat very late when I would usually be putting her to bed, so she’s always in a foul mood and I have to hold her on my lap. Nobody offers to hold her once they are finished eating and tend to just watch me struggle / ignore me.

we recently went away and stayed somewhere with a hot tub, I went to put DD to bed and when I returned half an hour later, they had all got in the hot tub in the garden. I couldn’t really go in the hot tub as I needed to watch the monitor and be ready to go to comfort DD if needed. so sat like a bit of a lemon watching them. They didn’t make any effort to try and include me in conversation. I could see husband felt awkward and was trying to include me, but didn’t do a very good job of it,

eventually they decided to get out and all wanted to shower. They went in the house and started shouting/slamming doors which woke DD up. I then had to spend another half hour with her resettling her, but nobody seemed to be bothered.

It’s really starting to get on my nerves and I’m most annoyed at my husband about it all. Part of me sometimes think I should let him have fun with his family, but it’s his daughter too and he needs to share the load. He is usually a great Dad but seems to forget
himself around his family.

I also then start to feel really resentful when my in laws do want to cuddle and take photos of DD. I feel like I will spend ages rocking her to sleep or getting her calm - and then they all want to hold her. This inevitably wakes her up or upsets her again, as she doesn’t know them very well. It’s exhausting!

My own parents are really helpful and always offering to hold her whilst I eat, take her for a walk in the pram to get her off to sleep, happy to schedule things around her etc, The contrast makes it even worse!!!

is this typical behavour? AIBU to feel
annoyed?

Why couldn't you go in the hot tub with the monitor nearby? I certainly would have done. You just put a towel or dressing gown within reach to pull on if she cries.

Speak firmly to your DH and remind him that even though you are with his family, DD remains his child too and you expect him to step up and be a father as normal.

I think you need to start opting out of the visits. Tell him that you might as well stay home as it isn't a break for you at all - in fact it is harder work.

@Ladybuglamp i would be making absolutely no effort to visit them at all and I would also be asking hubby if he thinks that all of this is acceptable??? what does hubby think of this and why does he think it is ok to leave you with the baby while he goes off and enjoys his time?? pil also need talked to! Of course, it might be helpful to get answers from you OP, if you decided to come back to the thread??

Stop going. Once a month is loads.

Use your words
"H, I have just settled Baby so please could you listen out for her as I am going in the hot tub now"
and so on

If he's normally a good husband and father, unlikely but you have your bar , then I simply would no longer go with him. Why would you when it isn't pleasant for you? He can either take the baby with and you spend some time doing what you like to do, or you have the baby, and then you get the equivalent time 'off' some other time.

Women do stuff to please others all the time, in a way that men just wouldn't even consider. What would your husband do op, if when you went to your parents, the 3 of you treated him this way?

I’m expected to stay at home with DD or just go for a walk and meet them afterwards.

Just don't. Why are you passively , meekly letting these things just happen to you?

See them less. Send your husband to visit on his own with baby. Get in the hot tub and let someone else settle her. Or if you want to do it then have a bath robe handy.

You're letting all this happen and there's no need.

I wouldn't be getting up everytime to settle or if DC needed something. If I had done bedtime and they started crying again, I would casually tell DH it was his turn (if he actually needed telling). At the dinner table I would just pass him the baby, not just martyr myself and then complain. Don't ask him to do something, tell him it's his turn.