Do I need to put stuff in the past for husband’s sake and get along with MIL

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Am I being unreasonable? Backstory..
Husband & I have been married four years and have two children (3 y/o & 1 y/o). My MIL has never been fond of me. She has always been a SAHM who took care of her husband (he’s a farmer) and waited on him hand and foot so in turn has always tried to “take care” of my husband prior to our marriage. I am also a SAHM (work PRN in a hospital) but in no way do I baby my husband. He is capable of also helping with laundry, cooking, cleaning & doing dishes as we are supposed to be a team (MIL doesn’t think her son should be required to help with household chores). We had our first child and she was always showing up unannounced, making rude comments (regarding my weight after pregnancy, how the baby looked nothing like me only husband’s family, would offer drinks/food to husband but not to me, etc.). Things were never great. My MIL has never walked great. She is very unsteady on her feet and would attempt to pick up child even when we asked her not to (my child was almost dropped several times due to her lack of inability to pick child up and hold child). Fast forward two years we had second child. Same thing again, rude comments and showing up unannounced. Husband sat his mom down and told her she needed to call before coming over and not just show up but stated “ doesn’t feel like she has any privacy and would like you to call before just showing up unannounced”. To me this felt like my husband was putting all blame on me even though we both had discussed it together and agreed that her showing up 3+ times a week unannounced was absurd. MIL will not contact me (no texting or calling) and will only communicate through my husband. I have always attempted to involve her but stopped because of the rudeness she displayed. Husband works a lot and helps farm on their family farm, so I am the primary caregiver to our two children. Recently MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Lately, MIL has been showing up unannounced again and husband does not want to upset her because he doesn’t want to feel guilty if/when she passes and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. My husband wants our kids to see MIL/FIL at least once a week (we live two minutes from them). I am not fond of that idea because they are the type of grandparents who only want to see the grandchildren when it is convenient for them. The other week they showed up at 8:30pm and expected to hang out and talk for a while even though we were about to get our children ready for bed. My oldest child (3 y/o) does not have a name for my MIL. I do not tell my child to call her a certain name (grandma, nana, gigi, etc) because she has never really acted like grandmother figure. MIL will not play with children. When she visits the only thing she does is take about one hundred plus pictures on her phone (which I find very strange). I have mentioned the way it makes me feel uncomfortable to my husband about all of the pictures she takes (she sends them to her “friends” who I have never met) and he says that it’s not that big of a deal. Recently FIL & MIL stated they wanted to come over and see our children. Husband told them yes without talking with me about it first. We had just seen them less than a week ago and it was a horrible visit (FIL was grouchy and wouldn’t even say hello to our children and MIL had fallen due to her unsteadiness). I guess my feelings are just hurt because I feel like as husband and wife we should make that decision together due to the past. He said he didn’t want to tell them no and knew I would be upset but didn’t want to upset them.

I guess my question is does anyone have any suggestions to help deal with an overbearing MIL who is obsessed with their grown son? I love my mom and would do anything for her but if she did something to upset my husband in any way I would have his back and tell my mom my reasoning and that would be that & she wouldn’t question it. Husband is terrified (always has been) of telling his parents no or scared of hurting their feelings no matter the cost. This has been a long time argument between us regarding his family so I just need any advice. Am I being inconsiderate? Do I need to try harder to please my MIL? I feel like I am stuck and husband and myself are not on good terms due to the tension between his family and myself. I love my husband but I feel like there has been so much emotional damage done that I don’t know how to fix it.

*I can provide more context as needed also. There’s a lot of information but I just tried to give the basics.

Experience of an overbearing MIL? Oh yes! Not meaning to sound so crass but if she has stage 4 cancer do you know how long she may have left?

Why doesn't your DH take the DC to visit his parents in their home ... surely that would be a lot easier all round ... and give you a break.
It does seem odd that you don't even have a name for your DC's grandmother ... it sounds like you are both being very rigid in your views.

Yea my MIL is a pain too. I personally don't think once a week visit is so bad but if you're uncomfortable then I'd suggest you ask your DH to take the kids to see them rather than visit at your home.

The only think I think YABU is not giving your eldest a name for your MIL. Some grandmas are amazing, some are not but they're all still Grandmas and feels a bit passive aggressive on your part.

She loves her son the way you love your kids . I don’t see anywhere in your post that shows she’s obsessed with him . I also think your child not acknowledging their grandmother by any type of name is not right . It seems you don’t like each other so tell your husband to go and see his parents with the kids , and once a week is fine .

Okay… She’s sick, but stage 4 doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s about to croak. My mum lasted 7.5 years and my FIL more than 10 so far. This is too much time to spend tolerating this. If DH hasn’t got the balls to stand up to her, just go about your day as though she’s not there. Put the kids to bed, etc. If she complains, then tell her she should have called first. If DH is snotty, then tell him that he set this up for himself.

they found the cancer extremely late because she always has refused to go to the doctor until she took a bad fall and broke her hand and had to be taken to the ER where she was looked over which eventually led to cancer being found. She is currently doing palliative chemo.

You really don’t like her do you, and you expect your DH, her son, to support you come what may. Have you thought that maybe you could support HIM for a while now his mum is dying? It must be an awful time for anyone to know their parent is about to die and there’s nothing they can do about it.
I too don’t understand why your DC don’t have names for their grandparents. That’s just awful!

I think she has good reason not to be "fond" of you. Do you expect your husband to completly cut off his family and devote all his time to you. As @Tourmalines said nothing suggested she is obsessed with her son. Also you say your husband is "terrified" of his parents yer just prior to that informed us he'd told her not to come around without contacting first. (But had done that incorrectly apparently.)

You seen purposely unpleasant. You've have actively trained your children to not have a name for her. What goes around comes around.

So it sounds like she has less than 12 months to live. I would suck this up completely.

Im fact, what I would suggest is that you bring the children over to her place frequently so that it is at a time of your choosing, and you can end the visit on your timescale.

I was an absolute saint when MIL was dying, and a big chunk of that was to make sure nothing could be held against me afterwards.

I think you are going about this in a completely cack handed and immature way, to be really honest. Dealing with tricky people is a very important life skill, and you will get things on a much better footing if you develop your own good relationship with his parents rather than getting your husband to mediate for you.

In which case, I’d just suck it up. It’s finite. And then you’ll probably feel able to support your husband when the inevitable happens.

I agree with taking control a bit more by going and seeing her for short visits. Text in advance and then just turn up. And find a name FGS, she's your kids' grandmother abd you'll need to talk about her with your kids now and after shes died. You might feel less stressed if you realise that you have all the power here. Be kind from a position of strength.

I would imagine that she takes lots of pictures in a desperate attempt to hold on to her life and memories.

Are you and your dh looking on the Macmillan website to understand a bit more of what she's going through?

You asked 'do I need to put stuff in the past?' and based on the info in this thread, then yes I would say you do.

As a PP said, dealing with tricky, sometimes overbearing people is a good life skill. I'm not medical but if she has a late discovery stage 4 cancer, she could go downhill fast. Let her see the children, let her take photos, let the kids know she is their granny, smile, be nice and suck it up. When she eventually passes away, your DH is going to be hit by grief and life will shift in ways you won't expect. Don't let regret be part of that journey. When it's all over, you will know that you did the best you can.

Sometimes we just have to 'smile and wave' and not make a drama out of every niggly thing that other people do to us.

So your mother in law has stage 4 cancer, is on palliative chemo and you don't want her to see her grandchildren? Nice!!!

So she communicates via her son but this is the wrong thing. She drops in unannounced, wrong thing. Tries to arrange a time to visit, wrong thing. Wants to see her son and grandchildren once a week when they live two minutes away, wrong thing. She's having palliative treatment for cancer but she can't be called granny because you think she hasn't earnt the title.

Who's the overbearing one again?

Are we all just ignoring this then?!

making rude comments (regarding my weight after pregnancy, how the baby looked nothing like me only husband’s family, would offer drinks/food to husband but not to me, etc.)

She sounds dreadful OP and id be fuming if my husband allowed his mum to make negative remarks towards my weight or be openly rude towards me.

Your husband sounds like a man-baby as he can’t stand up to his mum. I wouldn’t be the one who keeps the peace and takes the abuse so the boat isn’t rocked. Cancer or not. Having cancer doesn’t give you a pass to be an arsehole.

She sounds difficult. She's hurt you in the past. She's over stepped sand made it clear that she doesn't think you take proper care of her DS.

Equally, you sound unwelcoming. Think weekly visits are too much. And worst of all you (and your DH) don't give her the respect of using a name for her with your children. To me, that's unspeakably rude. I wouldn't be able to forgive that if I were her.

Ideally, you'd take this opportunity to demonstrate to your DC what kindness looks like. Sharing, caring, forgiving, warm family relationships. Warts and all, she's their gran. Do you want their memory of her to be 'the woman mum disliked'? Or would you rather them know that you were kind to her as her health failed.

I think given she has limited time left you need to be the bigger person and be kind to her, for dh's sake at least. You can still manage her if she makes any nasty comments to you (a simple 'that's not very nice! Goodness me!'). Also, if you're still uneasy about her picking children up and being unsteady on her feet ask your dh to manage that. You've got a window of time to put things aside and just get on with her to give her a peaceful and happy end to her life, good luck.

She sounds hard work. Personally, I'd hold my tongue to a degree. If she's rude as her to clarify and act dumb. What do you mean MIL. Sorry MIL I don't understand can you explain that to me.

If she turns up unannounced and your husband is there then say oh husband will be delighted to see you. He really wanted to spend some 1:1 time with you so I'll leave you to it. If he's not about I'd carry on with what I was doing. If the kids are off to bed let them spend 30 minutes and then send them out. If your off out then go out.

If mil is communicating with DH and he isn't forwarding the messages then you need to address that with him. I 100% understand why he doesn't want to upset his dying mother but he needs to communicate with you.

Pick your battles.

Your relationship with your MIL will not last forever. Your DH hopefully will be around long after.

What is most important to you? Focus on one thing. You don't want them coming unannounced? Ok, so keep a firm boundary in that. But compromise elsewhere - given that they live 2 mins away I would expect them to see the kids more than once a week. Keep prompting DH to arrange it. If he's taken them for a visit twice that week already it is much more reasonable to say "not now, it's bath time and you saw them yesterday"

The man thing sounds terribly petty I'm afraid. Basically refusing to acknowledge that they ARE a grandmother because they aren't the one you want them to be. What do you want the kids to think/remember when she is gone?

Holding the children - if she shaky then you have a good reason. Just don't pass them over. Don't argue about it. Just be calm and breezy but don't hand them over. You have the power here.

I couldn't stand my MIL. Totally crazy woman with lots of mental health issues. Impossible to get on with. But myDH loved her. He wanted the children to know her, although only the eldest will remember her at all. Ignore the insults - she won't change or ever be who you want her to be, but who cares in the long run? She's dying. You will still have her son and your children after she has passed. Time to be the bigger person.

From the other side - it's a weight off my mind. And I'm glad I tried to make it easier for DH even though it made a bit of a shit time for us at the time. I know he's grateful. I'm relieved I'll never have to deal with her again.

Thank you all for the suggestions. I have attempted to be the bigger person in the past but will give it effort again. Being extremely hurt in the past given his mother saying she never wanted her son to be married in the first place just started us on the wrong foot I think. Thank you again all, I do appreciate all of the advice that was given!

Look up "yellow rock technique" and apply it to your MIL.

Remember that you cannot change other people. You can only change the way you react to them.

Practice emotional detachment and crack on with whatever it is you want to do and not pay much attention to her.

How does she get into your house when she arrives unannounced?

Her saying that says a lot more than her than it says about you. That comment would be water off a ducks back to me.

I’d be trying to tease it out of her: ‘why is that then?’ Or ‘But when you think of the love you have for him don’t you want to see him as a loving parent?’ Or even ‘I guess many women feel like that about their sons, lucky for me he got to decide for himself!’.
My own PIL once started a conversation about men marrying down. I just burst out laughing and said “well my husband certainly didn’t marry down.”

There seems to me to be loads of ways that you can demonstrate she has no power to hurt you, whilst maintaining a pleasant relationship and respecting boundaries. You have no need to fight with these people at all.

Brutally she isn't getting 10 years plus on palliative chemo for lung cancer. Especially if she hadn't looked after her health before.

Normally I d be all for a strong boundary but in this case I think you will need to compromise.

I agree. I think I need to really work on that. I can be nice and wether she chooses to be nice back is on her.

we usually leave our garage door open during the day (have an outside cat) and close it around 9pm. Previously we never had anything but a regular lock on the door into the garage but she would show up unannounced so often and just knock once and walk in (after first child) that we got a keypad lock.