Do I need to put stuff in the past for husband’s sake and get along with MIL

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Am I being unreasonable? Backstory..
Husband & I have been married four years and have two children (3 y/o & 1 y/o). My MIL has never been fond of me. She has always been a SAHM who took care of her husband (he’s a farmer) and waited on him hand and foot so in turn has always tried to “take care” of my husband prior to our marriage. I am also a SAHM (work PRN in a hospital) but in no way do I baby my husband. He is capable of also helping with laundry, cooking, cleaning & doing dishes as we are supposed to be a team (MIL doesn’t think her son should be required to help with household chores). We had our first child and she was always showing up unannounced, making rude comments (regarding my weight after pregnancy, how the baby looked nothing like me only husband’s family, would offer drinks/food to husband but not to me, etc.). Things were never great. My MIL has never walked great. She is very unsteady on her feet and would attempt to pick up child even when we asked her not to (my child was almost dropped several times due to her lack of inability to pick child up and hold child). Fast forward two years we had second child. Same thing again, rude comments and showing up unannounced. Husband sat his mom down and told her she needed to call before coming over and not just show up but stated “ doesn’t feel like she has any privacy and would like you to call before just showing up unannounced”. To me this felt like my husband was putting all blame on me even though we both had discussed it together and agreed that her showing up 3+ times a week unannounced was absurd. MIL will not contact me (no texting or calling) and will only communicate through my husband. I have always attempted to involve her but stopped because of the rudeness she displayed. Husband works a lot and helps farm on their family farm, so I am the primary caregiver to our two children. Recently MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Lately, MIL has been showing up unannounced again and husband does not want to upset her because he doesn’t want to feel guilty if/when she passes and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. My husband wants our kids to see MIL/FIL at least once a week (we live two minutes from them). I am not fond of that idea because they are the type of grandparents who only want to see the grandchildren when it is convenient for them. The other week they showed up at 8:30pm and expected to hang out and talk for a while even though we were about to get our children ready for bed. My oldest child (3 y/o) does not have a name for my MIL. I do not tell my child to call her a certain name (grandma, nana, gigi, etc) because she has never really acted like grandmother figure. MIL will not play with children. When she visits the only thing she does is take about one hundred plus pictures on her phone (which I find very strange). I have mentioned the way it makes me feel uncomfortable to my husband about all of the pictures she takes (she sends them to her “friends” who I have never met) and he says that it’s not that big of a deal. Recently FIL & MIL stated they wanted to come over and see our children. Husband told them yes without talking with me about it first. We had just seen them less than a week ago and it was a horrible visit (FIL was grouchy and wouldn’t even say hello to our children and MIL had fallen due to her unsteadiness). I guess my feelings are just hurt because I feel like as husband and wife we should make that decision together due to the past. He said he didn’t want to tell them no and knew I would be upset but didn’t want to upset them.

I guess my question is does anyone have any suggestions to help deal with an overbearing MIL who is obsessed with their grown son? I love my mom and would do anything for her but if she did something to upset my husband in any way I would have his back and tell my mom my reasoning and that would be that & she wouldn’t question it. Husband is terrified (always has been) of telling his parents no or scared of hurting their feelings no matter the cost. This has been a long time argument between us regarding his family so I just need any advice. Am I being inconsiderate? Do I need to try harder to please my MIL? I feel like I am stuck and husband and myself are not on good terms due to the tension between his family and myself. I love my husband but I feel like there has been so much emotional damage done that I don’t know how to fix it.

*I can provide more context as needed also. There’s a lot of information but I just tried to give the basics.

Let her be a granny to her grandchildren in the time she's got left.

Why didn't MIL tell them what to call her? That's normal. Different grandparents like to be called specific things. It's not for the OP to do the work. Sounds like MIL is a crap grandmother

Funny interpretation.
If a MIL kept turning up unannounced, criticised you for not doing all the housework and telling you that your DH shouldn't be 'helping', ignored your parenting rules (don't pick up DC when you are unsteady) and made rude comments about your weight I doubt you would like her

Sounds like an overbearing MIL and an overbearing wife from some of the things you say!! The woman has stage 4 cancer, cut her a little bit of slack. She won't be here much longer!!

I think you need to get the whole thing into proportion and accept whats never going to change and what may change very quickly. We all are as we are and just seek out the positive bits. Your children will take no harm from seeing them often. Children are exceptionally good at adapting their behaviour to suit the situation. Let a lot of this go and concentrate on what really matters.

Good luck. It won't be forever.

OMG. They want to see their grandchildren once a week. Just chill. Children benefit when they know more people love them.

He needs to be taking the children to see them, being ill rarely stops abusive people being abusive.

I feel for you, announced my first pregnancy and MIL wanted to give me the cot and 1960's clothes. They took over my life having DD1 every Saturday from 1 week old DD2 from 2 years old and DS from school age. Was criticised and had them turning up unannounced all the time until MIL sadly got Alzheimer's. Now I feel a tad bad I was not happy with their demands.

Personally, I just stopped trying and told OH he needed to pick the rope up. If he wants a Mother's Day gift for his Mum- he can organise and buy it. If he wants to see them, no problem, but I'm not facilitating them. If they turn up, ok, but I am not hosting.

Last time they turned up unannounced, I was painting the upstairs doors. I had an apron with paint all over, a paintbrush in my hand and paint on my hands. They expected me to host- I just said no. I apologised and said that if I stopped in the middle of the door, the gloss would be ruined if I had to go back to it. OH had to make and tea and sit down and actually chat with them. After a while it was awfully quiet downstairs when I came down to clean the brushes.

I too had an overbearing and emotionally draining MIL- I get how hard they can be.

However, yours aren’t just choosing acceptable times for themselves. Farming is extremely hard and time limiting. They are just trying to see you when they have the chance, especially now your MIL has stage 4 cancer.

I lost my mum, nearly 3 years ago to cancer and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. We had such a short time after diagnosis and the rate at which she declined was horrendous. My children were small but remember her well as we spent so much time with them- do not rob her and your husband of this time with the children as a family, as the grief that is about to come for your husband is unimaginable.

Since loosing both my parents I see the IL’s in a different light. They are just trying to help and be there for us, with their constant phone calls, popping in etc, but at the end of the day, they won’t be around forever so you make the most of it whilst they are. Even if that means biting your tongue lots.

I wish you luck, but please try and put the past in the past, for the sake of your husband and children.

I couldn't read it all as the post wasnt put into paragraphs but

Its always better just to get on with it. Smile (even through gritted teeth) these are your husbands parents and your children's grandparents. It just makes life easier for everyone

I think you need to let this go. You are putting your husband in an awful position at a time when he is going to be devastated. Right now it doesn't matter if you like her or not or if she has hurt your feelings in the past you need to support your husband as he deals with the impending death of his mum. You aren't putting things in the past for her you are doing it for him.

The real question here is do you want your husband to feel loved and supported by you over the coming months or do you want to feel like you have won some small victory?

Honestly, I think you’re being petty and reasonable, and have very programmatic ideas about how your PILs ‘should’ be as grandparents — surely it’s fairly obvious that a very unsteady woman who falls regularly and has advanced stage 4 cancer isn’t going to be doing a lot of playing with small children? And, bluntly, she is unlikely to have long left, and your ‘dropping in unannounced’ problem will solve itself.

I think you're being pretty harsh, the woman is on her way out, support your husband while he is losing his mum, and stop making it about you, this is a temporary situation

Yellow rock technique

bluntly she has stage 4 - it’s a waiting game.

my fil had less than a year, my aunt had 2.

rise above it until she shuffles off her mortal coil

Your MIL sounds like my mom. Granted it's a little different being your MIL, I do not talk to my mother anymore and she's never met my son because she is just toxic and my son doesn't deserve to be treated how she treated me when I was young.

But I would personally talk to your husband and be honest with him and TELL him how you're feeling and how she makes you feel. She is his mother. He needs to show you some respect and nip this because it's disrespectful to you. These are your children, not hers. She needs to respect you or in my opinion, she doesn't get to see them. Some grandparents just do what they think they can get away with. Her having cancer has nothing to do with how she treats you as her daughter in law.

Sorry but you sound really childish and petty. Your Dcs don't have a name for their paternal GPS. WTF!!! She has cancer you won't have to deal with her for much longer. They sound annoying but you sound really mean and pathetic.

Just saying you had an outdoor cat made me realise who you are. No name for the children's GPS outdoor cat!!! You don't come across as a warm welcoming person. Carry on love making your husband snd children's lives devoid of acceptance and joy.

I don't think she is that overbearing.
I think, you are letting some of her actions affect how you feel about all her actions.

Dropping in without calling ahead is not that uncommon....and used to be very common. I really don't see the problem. And seeing them once a week seems more than reasonable.
Also you don't have to tell a child to call someone nanny or granny....but if she has been around the children as much as you say for last 3 years you must have gone out of your way to avoid calling her something surely....I think the fact you and OH have not taught you'd daughter her grandnothers "name" is really quite odd

Your husband will inevitably resent you if you are unkind or downright cruel to his dying mother. Think how this sounds . Whatever your experience with her , she is his mother. The woman who raised him and you loved him enough to marry him. Never forget that most men love their mother but by making him choose you are onto a no win situation. This only applies because she is coming to the end of her life however.
If things were different, absolutely set boundaries and it seems like your husband did support you in this.

Does your DH have nieces or nephews? Your DC can call them the same name .

I feel your pain. However I think its more of a husband problem than an inlaw problem. Watch out for you being landed with caring for fil when mil snuffs it btw.

I think this is terrible advice.

he knows what she’s like but she is his mother and she is DYING

you don’t need to character assassinate her on her death bed. You could irreversibly damage your marriage

While i would not let her do whatever and walk all over you, i would show compassion and go for yellow rock type space.

your DH will appreciate you showing some compassion

To each their own. I understand, she is dying. But just because she is dying doesn't give an excuse for her to treat people poorly. You can have compassion but still have boundaries. Her husband clearly hasn't been standing up for her or else this wouldn't be going on. I feel there would be less compassion in waiting for his mother to die then feeling relief she doesn't have to deal with her anymore. That would be harmful to a marriage.

It's best to figure this out NOW while his mother is still alive and maybe they can find some middle ground by openly communicating about their differences and needs than not doing anything at all.

Given her cancer diagnosis I’d probably take a step back. You don’t have to give in to mil but I would not make a fuss. If the in-laws turn up then use it as an excuse to get out for an hour. Don’t worry about kids bedtimes etc… I think it’s not worth damaging your future relationship with your DH. It’s his mum and she’s dying, it’s that simple. And I’m saying this as someone who has no problem cutting toxic people out of my life. I have nothing to do with my own mother, but when my DF got his terminal diagnosis I gritted my teeth and put up with it for the remaining months I had with my DF. There were so many things I wanted to say, my mother is a classic narcissist and my DF her biggest enabler, I’d have loved to clear the air told him how much his lack of protection hurt me, but in the end I didn’t see what it would have achieved other than get shit off my chest ( which I can do with a therapist or my friends) and hurt a dying man.

I was pregnant when we found out he was dying. It was extremely important for me to have my children spend time with him. They don’t remember much but I do. If my DH had put up any barriers (he can’t stand my mother) then I don’t think our marriage would have survived.

Right now it isn’t about you or how shit your mil has been to you.

Let them have the time together, just say to your DH, please make sure you don’t let her pick the DCs up, fine put them on her lap while she’s sat down but you want to let them spend time together but if your worried he won’t supervise then that will make it harder for you to leave them be.