Parents forward faced my 3.5 year old knowing I wouldn’t agree to it - feeling upset but don’t want to be overreacting

[Lucky457]

My parents had my 3.5 year old the other day and moved her Joie seat which is rear facing to another car so they took the opportunity to forward face her for a car journey. They know I want her rear facing until at least 4 years old so I’m really upset they’ve done this. I feel like they’ve endangered my child’s life and that they’ve disrespected my wishes by doing this. I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic so I haven’t told them just how upset I am (we have a great relationship and they do lots to help and support me). I appreciate a lot of people forward face at this age and I know my parents don’t really get it that I want to rear face my children until at least four but if they know that’s what I feel strongly about then I feel like they shouldn’t have gone against my wishes. They even said they weren’t sure they’d fitted it properly to be forward facing anyway! Yet they didn’t ring me and ask me to check because no doubt they’d know I’d say no to her going out in the car like that. Do I chalk it up as they’ve made a mistake and we’re all human or should I be paying more attention to the face that they ignored my wishes. For the record, I’m not this precious about everything when the kids stay round my parents. I get that they’ll have more in the way of chocolate/sweets and getting away with different behaviours but I feel really strongly about how much safer my kids are in the car when they’re rear facing.

Don't like how they look after your child, don't use them for a babysitting service then.

Have you spoken to them about it? It doesn't sound like it. So you don't know if they did it maliciously because they think they know better or if they just did it because they weren't thinking or don't really understand the reasons you want rear facing.

You're always going to have disagreements with grandparents about parenting and the ways of doing things. It's a generational thing.

I would just say to them you would prefer them always to instal the car seat RF and show them how to do it and explain to them the reasons why. And then let it go.

I haven’t had any concerns until now. And I don’t see it as a baby sitting service, it’s grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren. It’s literally an hour or two every other week as I’m at home with my little ones and parents both work full time.

I couldn’t get worked up about this if, as you say, they’re helpful generally. I would have a different reply if the child was a baby or young infant but not for a child who will be starting school next year.

They probably think as the child is only in their car for short periods occasionally it didn't really matter. This isn't a hill I would die on.

They haven't risked her life ffs.

This debate must be on MN weekly! People are not going to agree. As an ex AE nurse the only child fatality that I was aware of over 20 years was a child who wasn’t strapped in at all. Sitting on Mums knee.

i couldn’t get worked up about this. Realistically some us put small just turned 4 year olds on school buses with adult sized seat belts which isn’t ideal but puts other things in perspective

Just thank them for looking after your child and giving them a nice time.

They even said they weren’t sure they’d fitted it properly to be forward facing anyway! unforgivable.

They wouldn't be driving my child again.

Ive been first responder to toddlers seriously injured because they were forward facing, as had my foster dad before me. It’s a non negotiable for me and it’d be made a lot worse by the fact they knew you wouldn’t agree and hid it.

Oh I see so all those warnings to make sure seats are properly installed are just for fun?

I feel like they’ve endangered my child’s life

Oh come on. They haven't. As a pp said, children of that age travel on buses and minibuses, and taxis with booster seats.

If they'd just put your child on the back seat with a lap belt, you'd have reason to be annoyed. But a well tested car seat facing forward is not risking a 3.5 year old's life.

Thou needs to get a grip.

It is when not even installed properly

A child under 5 is 5x more likely to have a catastrophic spinal cord injury if they’re forward facing in an accident compared to if they’re rear facing. It is indeed more dangerous for them to be forward facing, the law needs to catch up.

@Nopetynoppy your individual experience isn’t actually equal in weight to all the data…

OP Id be very clear with them that this is a hard line for you, it’s safest for them to rear face until at least 5 and they need to respect that. Yes it seems new and ‘it wasn’t like that in their day’, it just comes down to when we know better we can do better.

It’s simple - ‘Hey mum, thanks for taking junior out, but please could you make sure her car seat stays rear facing next time?’
Could it be that the seat won’t fit in their car if it’s rear facing? I know my Joie Spin didn’t fit in my older car as rear facing if there was a passenger in the front seat so if Dh and I took DHD out, he would drive, I would sit behind him and she could rear face (like the queen that she is 🥰)

Whilst that may be true they aren't at any more risk of being in an accident and it would be interesting to know the likelihood of catastrophic spinal injury, I suspect that's a very smal figure and even 5 times that would still be a very small risk

As one of the millions who was a child and had children before rear facing seats were a thing I'd be more concerned about the seat not being in properly that which was a 3.5 year was facing, that would be a non issue for me

Forward vs rear facing is a bit of a red herring here

They even said they weren’t sure they’d fitted it properly to be forward facing anyway!

A seat is only effective if it’s properly fitted. That’s somethIng I’d talk to them about.

I would be upset about this however it is not clear if you explicitly requested rear facing. If you did and they went against your wishes I think you need to raise it with them,

As another first responder that has been first on scene to car crashes involving children, my child/children will be rear facing as long as possible. The difference in level of injuries in a crash is quite a lot.

there is a lot of talk about rear facing and forward facing at the minute, and I know rear facing doesn’t increase the chance of a crash. How’re in the chance of a crash, child is much less likely to be seriously injured rear facing. I have seen this with my own eyes a number of times.

id just have a quiet word with them OP and ask them not to do it again. I would also ask them to call you if there ever unsure if its installed correctly. Doesn’t sound like they’ve done it maliciously and most likely won’t do it again if you don’t say anything. Don’t keep quiet as they might think it’s ok and do it more often x

Ok I’ll make it simpler. Small children forward facing in an accident suffer more injuries in general than children who are rear facing in their car seats. More whiplash. More breaks. More damage to their bodies. As well as more spinal cord injuries. They are in general more at risk of harm if forward facing. The research is really clear, children under 5 or even 6 really should be rear facing, but actually rear facing is safer even older than that.

The fact you think which way they’re facing is a non issue, means you don’t understand that research moves forward and gives us more information on which to base our decisions, that we didn’t know this when you and your kids were young doesn’t mean we don’t know it now. I used to travel sat in the boot of the car facing out the back window as a child! People travelled without belts for decades. Does that mean it’s a non issue to wear belts or not now? When we know better we can do better.

I have a question though. Surely it depends on whether the crash is front on or rear ended. The dynamics in each scenario would be different to the forces. Just musing.

Yes over reacting. The additional safety is marginal at best and one hopes they won't be in a situation where it matters anyway. Most importantly was it properly installed, a poorly installed rear facing seat is worse than a properly installed front facing seat, some cars struggle to accommodate them. I'd be more worried that they are switching over the cars and it's not fitted correctly than whether it's forward or backwards at 3.5

@KnittedCardi true, and sideways is another potential situation.

My dd was in a motorway rear accident car hit at approximately 60mph (exh was at nearly a standstill as traffic was stopped, car behind ploughed into them) she was forward facing but properly installed, what saved her wasn't the car seat though according to the police accident investigation, but the spare tyre that took the impact!!! Makes you think as they are no longer in cars as standard most of the time. So many factors and car seats are just one. Proper installation is the number one priority always.