Parents forward faced my 3.5 year old knowing I wouldn’t agree to it - feeling upset but don’t want to be overreacting

[Lucky457]

My parents had my 3.5 year old the other day and moved her Joie seat which is rear facing to another car so they took the opportunity to forward face her for a car journey. They know I want her rear facing until at least 4 years old so I’m really upset they’ve done this. I feel like they’ve endangered my child’s life and that they’ve disrespected my wishes by doing this. I don’t know if I’m being too dramatic so I haven’t told them just how upset I am (we have a great relationship and they do lots to help and support me). I appreciate a lot of people forward face at this age and I know my parents don’t really get it that I want to rear face my children until at least four but if they know that’s what I feel strongly about then I feel like they shouldn’t have gone against my wishes. They even said they weren’t sure they’d fitted it properly to be forward facing anyway! Yet they didn’t ring me and ask me to check because no doubt they’d know I’d say no to her going out in the car like that. Do I chalk it up as they’ve made a mistake and we’re all human or should I be paying more attention to the face that they ignored my wishes. For the record, I’m not this precious about everything when the kids stay round my parents. I get that they’ll have more in the way of chocolate/sweets and getting away with different behaviours but I feel really strongly about how much safer my kids are in the car when they’re rear facing.

interesting re the spare tyre - was it one under the boot or attached on the outside of the car?

I would be a bit annoyed about FF instead of RF but it's the not installing it properly that would be my biggest issue. (I have a 4.5yo RF)

Whilst I dont dispute what youre saying, as it is common sense, can you show us the actual stats, as I can only find stats on deaths due to vehicle collisions.

OTT
If you are so bothered then you need to provide and install a seat you approve to be used when they have DC.

Is this real? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Seriously - I just don’t know how you find the time in a day to think about the way a car seat was facing on a journey.

My parents are in their 70s and when my son got to 3ish they struggled getting him I to a rear facing seat (ds couldn't climb in independently) so they swapped him to forward facing. They did discuss it with me first though, I weighed it up and said it was fine and he went FF with us from about 4ish.

I understand your frustration op but if your parents are usually careful and considerate and you all have a good relationship I'd consider letting it go or at least be very careful how you discuss it - don't go in all guns blazing issuing ultimatums etc (not saying you would btw, I just know you'll get responses along the lines of "they wouldn't be trusted to look after my child after this" or similar)

@Quitelikeit is your children’s safety not a priority to you? The way the seat is facing directly affects the injuries they’re likely to receive if in a car crash, it matters

I’m probably your parent’s age OP if not older. I’m a child minder and all my children rear face in good seats .
My own children forward faced , I worked as a nanny they forward faced.
But when I started childminding I researched and realised how much safer forward facing is . You are not being dramatic and your parents should respect your wishes.
It annoys me that people use age and life experience as an excuse for poor child caring .

@BuffaloCauliflower if you are going to take that approach maybe just stick to walking or taking the bus places.

It’s an extreme way to think! I mean understandable if you are on the motorway with the kids every day but driving round built up areas then it’s just ott

I couldn’t get worked up

If they didn't think the seat was fitted properly they shouldn't have driven off! Facing forward I couldn't get worked up about, as a one off, but I would ask they didn't do it again.

My DM once drove my 2.5yo without fasting in the straps because she couldn't (a very easy, normal car seat). She then told me about it when she got home. Funnily enough I limited her taking my DC out after that.

4 years old sounds quite old to be rear facing. My two were big for their age and I can't see how they would sit. I faced both forward from 9 months but this was before the latest guidance.

Rear facing until 4 is the safest option. It’s just that we aren’t used to it yet for older DC.

Anyone of my generation (born in the late 70s) probably remembers at least one car journey where they were sat in the back on an adult’s knee with no seatbelts on. At the time it seemed normal. Now it’s illegal. Attitudes to risk change.

This shows an older child in a rear facing seat.

I bet there is quite a few older kids who don't sit like that though. What's to stop them putting their feet flat on the seat in front of them and having their knees perilously near their heads in an accident.

Just don't let them drive your child anywhere ever again if this is the concern. Nips it in the bud then.

What a drama. 😳

I hope everyone who rear faces their 4yo in a car is also doing so on busses and trains. I've met more than one person who pouts on about rear facing car seats. but doesn't give a fuck that a train table could smash into their child's guts in a train crash.

Rear seats are obviously safer in a frontal impact. Do you sit in one when you go in a car? Probably not (and definitely wise not to if you’re the driver!). But if safety is your priority you probably should - the same physics that makes them safer for children also applies to adults. But you don’t, probably because it isn’t practical and you would feel a bit of a fool, might feel sick, wouldn’t enjoy the journey etc.

My point isn’t that you should try to find an adult-sized rear facing seat, if they even exist. It’s that we all make compromises on safety, every day. Otherwise we would never leave the house. It’s not a binary question of “is this safe/not safe?” or calling people irresponsible because they draw the line somewhere else. Small children are more at risk in a crash than larger children or adults, so I would probably put an under 4 in a rear facing seat. But I wouldn’t judge someone who made a different decision, because I know that, as long as they are in some sort of property fitted car seat, and I trust the driver’s skill and judgement, then the overall risk is pretty small. I definitely couldn’t get worked up about an occasional journey on local roads at low speeds.

I would not get worked up over this.

I wouldn’t get worked up either.

I think people get obsessive over car seats becasue it’s one area where they feel you can take control of their child’s safety in an uncertain world.

The reality is a car seat is just one small element in a greater picture of risk. What type of car is being driven and on what roads and by which driver are far more important risk factors than the car seat being used. And that’s before you even try to factor in the risk of being a pedestrian.

My small four seater sports car you can't fit in rear facing seats, so I had front facing ones fitted for the grandchildren. No-one complains. They know I won't sell my car.

Life isn’t only about safety - we make risk based judgements for our kids every day. Certainly every time they cross the road, go upstairs in our house without us (one of mine got scissors out of a drawer once and chopped a finger….), or enter any moving vehicle. When you have your own kid in your own car, you are judging that the balance of safety vs convenience and experience is in favour of rear facing. All good (though in my case I made a different call as we could never have fitted all those in our car with all our kids - back to managing other factors alongside safety). But it isn’t an outrageous and extraordinary decision to do something different, so I would do a gentle reminder about your wishes - focused on please fit the seat! And then move on. Because family relationships really matter, and will probably do your kid a whole lot more benefit than a small change in risk profile for a tiny number of journeys.

This level of anxiety is doing more harm to your DC than anything you're anxious about