Does your dh look after the dcs for a whole day a week or more? and what do you do if he resents it?

[woodstock3]

We both work ft in demanding jobs but i have a day off in the week and work saturdays, he's mon to fri. so it made sense for him to look after 10mo DS on saturdays. also means ds gets 3 days with one/other/both of us and only 4 in childcare.
i've been back at work 2 months and tho im knackered i think it's working - ds is happy with fantastic nanny, i enjoy my job, got used to having no sleep. I wouldn't want this manic life forever but we want another baby and agreed i would stay ft in this job until then.
DH however never stops moaning about how tired/stressed he is, complains ceaselessly about how difficult it is having the baby all day, and says we cant go on like this.
We have a cleaner for a couple of hours a week but I do all the housework: I handle all finances, organise what little remains of our social life, do the DIY and organise the builders (we're doing up the house), do the garden, it's me who gets home in time for bed and bath five days a week and does 90 pc of childcare outside work. Everything else - booking holidays, remembering birthdays, organising ds's stuff - is me. DH's sole responsibility is the car (er, MOTing it once a year...) and the dog (tho i also take turns feeding/walking/clearing up after him too).
Maybe i should have posted on AIBU since my essential question is: i accept his job is tough and we're both tired as ds is an early riser but compared to mine, i think his life is pretty bloody easy. He clearly feels differently. Am i entitled to expect him to just get on with it? Or am i expecting too much of him and me to manage 2 full-on careers and baby without a weekend together?
If a mummy friend said she found being home with dcs hard work, i'd sympathise, but i seem to have no sympathy for dh. Sorry for wittering on but want to know what others think....

no sympathy from me i'm afraid. dh does all child are between 4pm and 6am, i do 6am to 4pm. i work evenings, he does days. he does not complain and would dearly love to be a SAHD.

Tell him to grow up - what does he expect - a walk in the park? Sorry, not very helpful I know, but really why do some men think they are having a hard time of it when all that is happening is they are having to do a small percentage of what the mother does.

DH works shifts - 7 on 2 off and on those 2 days couldn't be more attentive. He also looks after dd if his day off coincides with the days I work and cooks, cleans etc with some prompting from me. He looked after dd from 6-9 months when I went back to work and he was career changing and never complained about it.

Woodstock: I think your dh is being a bit of a sissy!

What kind of job does he do? And you?

Dh & I both work. At the minute I am part time & finishing my degree.

Dh works to 4.30 then he picks the kids up & has them on his own until I come home around 6pm. This happens 4 days a week. On a Friday he is home at 1pm so he has them from that time until 6pm.

Does he complain? Does he fuck! I'd soon let him have it!

Although I must say he did promise to stop working Sats so I could finish my dissertation, but he hasn't!!

When a couple has a child the child is a joint responsibility!

Know what else pisses me off? When people say "Is dh babysitting?" Erm.. no They are his kids.

I don't babysit my children when I am alone with them, so neither does he!!

Are you going to show this thread to your dh? If so, here's a message for him: "Quit whinging, you were man enough to father a baby, be man enough to share the care for him!!"

Should sissy have a C? Cissy?

Who would he like ds to be looked after on a Saturday??

The nanny?? Lol

My dh would love to have every Saturday with the dc's.

He works most weekends but has a day off in the week. He does all the childcare for the dd's,does nursery run/duty. Takes them out to farm etc while i work (am a cm)

Me and dh have just started working part time so he looks after DD 3 days and I do 3 days (1 day at the weekend).

It's only been 1 week, and he hasn't complained so far, in fact he knows better to after I have spent 9 months looking after her

Tell him they are his children too and what did he expect when you chose to have them? Your working hours are equal, though it sounds like you do far more than him in the home. he needs to get a grip and be a man. And you can tell him I said so!

Oh and I just read your post to dh and he said (and I quote) "what's wrong with the man? He needs a slap. He's having his cake and eating it, he's had too much done for him for too long. Welcome to real world mate!" It's a matter close to his heart as you can tell. But you can tell you DH this man to man (via mumsnet )

Though he has now just said can he just do the cars and I do everything else? Fat chance mate!

This is isn't going to help but he's the father, why shouldn't he spend some time with his ds. You need to point out to him that his attitude is all wrong, he needs to look at the Saturday as time spent with his ds rather than a chore.
My dh does bed every night with dd (ds is a teen so doesn't require looking after) and if I want to go shopping or out, he has no problems with that as long as he hasn't got work or football.

He wanted to have children with you, being a father means spending time with your children. My DH is fantastic with DD, and if he is moaning with one then what will he do when he has 2?

Dh is a sahp and looks after them 5 days a week from around 8am to 6.30pm.

MEant to say on his own!

woodstock3, your basic situation sounds exactly like mine and i really know what you mean about them making a big deal about looking after baby for a "whole day." !!i also work Tuesday to Saturday. We have a nanny Tuesday to Friday, and DH looks after DS, who is same age as yours, on Saturdays. We have also had a few little problems with the set up, mainly because DH is not a morning person, and is lousy at doing his bit so i can get to work without any stress and on time, on a Saturday morning. He constantly asks me annoying questions while I'm trying to get ready for work (eg, where are the dummies? when he knows there are only about two places they could be, or 'there's no baby cereal left' when it's right there in the cupboard, etc) and is generally bad tempered, until about 10am, when he's no longer in a morning mood. it's a v. bad way to start the day for everyone, as baby picks up on the tension, and everyone ends up feeling miserable! so i have decided in future that I will do everything right up until I leave the house for work, and give DH a real lie in, in preparation for his big day of childcare! Could you do something similar?
In fairness to DH, he really embraces the rest of the day, after he gets over his morning bad mood. he calls it the "Saturday Club" and makes all sorts of sweet/fun jokes about what they get up to without me, being boys stuff like watching football etc. I get regular updates by phone on how they're getting on and it's very sweet. Is there a way you could try and make it more fun for your partner? The other thing I have suggested to DH is getting someone in to help just for a couple of hours on the Saturday, but he totally rejected the idea, thank goodness. But perhaps your DH would welcome it, if he really struggles?

Due to my shift work my dh generally has the dcs (on average) 2 evenings per week and one or two entire week ends per month. He works full time and leaves the house at 7am week days.

He doesn't complain. The "childcare" aspect of things cannot be faulted when I am at work. However when I have them I also keep on top of the housework etc but he struggles to do that. On a positive note the children get more one to one attention from him; with me it's always "in a minute" or "I'll just hang the washing out" etc. We just have slightly different approaches but it doesn't cause tension particularly.

Sorry to be blunt but your dh sounds like he is being a bit moody and immature about it all.

Obviously I don't know your DH, but I do know from talking to some dads that actually it is not the general day-to-day stuff that is really bothering many men who find themselves looking after a baby but really the fact that they won't or can't admit to being able to bond with a baby. A lot of men assume that they just can't do it as well as a mother and they don't like being in this situation - possibly because they aren't as good at something that their wives/partners are, but often it is something that they don't want to be seen to be a failure at so end up just complaining. It's rubbish, of course, but many won't make the effort in the first place.

A couple who are friend of mine were quite frank in discussing this when they came round and said that what really helped was when the husband stopped viewing that day with the baby as a favour to his wife and instead starting viewing that day as the bonding time between him and the baby.

Particularly at the 10m mark, when all that personality is coming through and when there really responsive to you, is the best time to be with the baby - and your dh needs to realise that your ds won't be a baby forever.

In our area there is a "just for dads" parent and baby group - is there some group in your area, even if it is mostly mothers, that operates on a Saturday? The most astonishing bit about being with babies is seeing how they interact with others - it might really help if part of the Saturday routine was to go to a group? I think going to one of these groups makes you really appreciate your own baby, not in a kind of my-baby-is-better-than-yours way, although that might help(!) but in a omigod-my-little-baby-is-growing-up-and-reacting-to-other babies kind of way - IYSWIM. In addition, it might alleviate the day-to-day boredom that he might be finding it hard to deal with and it will give him something special to report back to Mummy every Saturday. Just a suggestion, but I hope it works out for you in any case.

(I am really lucky in that DH is a SAHD, so maybe I am just not qualified to comment on this))

thanks for all your suggestions (bumperlicious can i steal your husband?). silvermum, i already do the saturday morning shift before i leave for work - not only because it seems fair if he is doing the rest of the day but also because i want to, otherwise i'd barely see ds.
i think what upsets me is that before i went back to work, dh and ds had really bonded nicely and he was looking forward to spending time together. the reality appears to have soured things, and it upsets me that he doesnt seem to want to spend time with his son whom i know he loves dearly - or rather, he'd like to play with him for an hour and give him back. caralondon, have just arranged for ds to go to a baby group on saturday where there's a lot of dads in hope it will help.
to all of you who thought he should just pull himself together, tbh that's my view - what pulls me up short is thinking: if a female friend said she couldn't cope with working ft for five days and then doing a solid day's childcare on her own, i'd totally understand and i'd be sympathetic if she said she wanted to go parttime. so am i judging dh by different standards?

Not many females would say it, tbh.

Most of us who work during the week look forward to spending a day with the little people... I bet even Xenia wouldn't deny that!!

It's funny woodstock3, your post made me think about last night.

Both DH and I had had a bit to drink (my parents babysitting) and I asked him how he found parenthood. Now my DH is the most optimistic upbeat person you ever met, but he said he found the sameness of it tiring.He would never admit this when sober but I think a lot of men aren't good at the relentless monotony aspect of young children (our DS is 2) and the fact that even though you are getting a lot back its bloody hard work. I have to say that I loved the fact on Friday that for once I was able to head straight into town and not have to battle over bed time with an intransigent toddler

It sounds hard on both of you as you only get one day together but wonderful for your DS. Also is there anyway you can lighten your load any more i.e. get a gardener or up your cleaners hours ? One of the reasons you are being hard on your DH is because you are doing more than him, and you aren't whining ergo you must be ok, but your schedule sounds exhausting and you need more help than you are getting .

Anyway enough rambling, great idea about the baby group, my DH likes focus and plans, soft play will come into its own in a few months time.

Dh is a hands-on dad in that he changes nappies, gets dc1 ready for bed every night, takes our 2dcs swimming, drops off at the nursery in the morning, feeds them breakfast if up in time. So yes I think your dh is being a bit of a whinger, whilst you sound like superwoman !

I work p/t so have the dcs to myself 2 days in the week but have been contagiously unwell for the last 2 days and dh has had to look after the dcs himself and he is said it's hard work. It hasn't occurred to him to do any housework, thought it was a bit much to ask him to hoover yesterday and dcs had to complain they were hungry before he thought about dinner.

"would like to play with him for an hour then give him back"

No. That's Grandma's prerogative. Who would he hand him back to for God's sake, he's the parent! The only handing back goimng on with him and his child is people handing the baby back to him.

When he stops thinking of his own child as your job, he will feel less resentful of time spent looking after him.

Woodstock, tell him about my dh! He has looked after the ds's most Saturday's for the past 11 years, since I went back to work after having ds1. He now looks after all 3 boys on Saturdays and he, ds1 and ds2 have the place tidy by the time I get home. In his family childcare was regarded as womens work and I remember telling BIL that dh would be looking after ds1 on Saturdays and his reaction was to laugh out loud!
He does lament his lack of a life sometimes but I think it is more that he wishes we had more "family time" together rather than both us us having to be "single parents" for most of the week and only together on Sundays.
But I do think you need to point out to him that it is the 21st century, I'm sure he doesn't resent the money you are bringing in and the money you are saving by having the nanny one day less a week. It will get easier as your ds gets older and better able to amuse himself.

agree with all other posters family life is a joint responsibility but if your dh is saying its all too much for him you should probably stop and take stock a bit, he has a right to feel tired and overwhelmed too! even if he isn't doing as much as you. I reckon it was a bloke that said women are the weker sex

you couild try getting a big piece of card, draw a line down the middle and write on one side all the things you do/are responsible for and on the other all the things he does/is responsible for. you can then use it to show you BOTH work hard and as a starting point to distribute all the 'jobs' equally. be careful not to slip into an 'i do more than you' convo though...

It's a fair point woodstock. I have many a time complained about the relentlessnes of it all, but that was when I was doing it all day every day. Yes he works all week, but colditz is right, he shouldn't look at that saturday as a job, that's just life. What did he think it would be like having children?

When I used to complain about looking after DD all day while on maternity leave DH used to say to me "wait till you go back to work and you will really appreciate coming home to DD and you won't mind doing the monotonous things like nappies etc." and you know what? He's right. I just think it is a shame your DH isn't enjoying it. He needs to show some initiative and do some interesting things with DS to make the day go quicker. Some men just aren't that into babies, maybe he will enjoy it more when DS is older and running around and talking.

Also, he needs to respect you and see your roles in the house as equal, he really needs to change his mindset. He is very lucky that you do so much and that you have a cleaner. But in you he obviously has a lot to live up to . Have you ever broached the subject of him doing more around the house? What would his response be?

Agree with Pheebe.

It's all very well saying thats what lifes like with children and what did he expect but the bloke is obviously not happy, just telling him to shut up is not going to solve the problem.

I like the idea of a list, he probably hasn't even considered how much more you do, so it would give him some insight into that.

I'm afraid I might be the whiny one in our relationship. I work 4 days a week and I do feel a bit resentful that I have to go home and change dirty nappies and cook and serve up dinner that gets rejected,rather than sit on my bottom filing my nails, sigh. I do try not to whinge on about it though. Basically having young children is a bit of a slog to some people. Am a bit about all these people who think looking after kids is unmitigated pleasure, and expecting him to be carried away with blissful rapture of looking after your DS for a full day is somewhat unrealistic. Doesn't mean he shouldn't do it, but I do think you both need to have a chat about your expectations of having a family and working as a team.

Just ask him what his solution is?