7 year old rude to Grandmother

[bomi]

My 7 year old can be quite rude to her Grandma. She's a bit sassy at times, but she's never this rude to anyone else.

Grandma has a very close relationship with my youngest. Youngest is very sweet, affectionate, loving, never plays up. My eldest is absolutely wonderful but is not particularly loving, not affectionate and has quite a dark sense of humour. I absolutely love her humour but her Grandma doesn't. She looks at her with disgust when she says some things and then my Daughter plays on it and tries to say things that will annoy her more.

I don't know if it's because she senses the close relationship my youngest has with her, or if she just doesn't like her because she's so serious about her dark sense of humour.

Does anyone have any tips about how to resolve this, and what sort of punishment might be suitable? I really need to reign this behaviour in.

What on earth does dd say for Grandmother to look in disgust?

Can you be more specific? If she very pointedly being rude to grandma then it definitely needs addressing.

What does dark humour look like in a 7 year old? She shouldn’t be being rude to anyone, how are you managing it?

Why kind of dark sense of humour can a 7 year old have?

Definitely need some examples

I think this is a problem with Grandma as much as your child.

She is showing clear favouritism to your youngest and behaving negatively towards your older child. 'looking at her with disgust'

This is a troubling pattern and I would not be facilitating it.

It sounds like your oldest is trying to get some attention in a negative way - because she doesn't received it positively.

I think I would be asking my oldest if they liked Grandma coming round, and letting them talk about anything they were upset about.

In short, I would be protecting my child from someone who seems to be treating them badly.

Dark sense of humour in that she sings about death, talks about people hurting themselves in the worst ways she can think of etc. She ramps this up in front of Grandma.

Daughter will be rude and not listen to her, she will have a full on meltdown in the middle of town with her (she is not like this at all with anyone else), she doesn't say please or thank you to her. Her tone can be pretty bad with her and she snaps at her.

I've made her sound horrible here but she is not rude like this at home, or with her friends or at school. Teachers have always spoken about her really positively.

So far we have made her apologise and taken away things she enjoys. For example, she stays up late one night a week and she absolutely loves it, so we don't allow her to stay up that night.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

I think plenty of people would certainly feel disgust at a 7 year old behaving like that tbh. And you think it’s funny?

@Ohfuckrucksack she is definitely showing favouritism. Grandma is exactly like my youngest and I think that's why they have such a good bond.

I feel for my eldest because everyone is naturally drawn to my youngest. Everything she says is cute or she's always hugging everyone and cuddling up to them. People always give her far more attention than my eldest. It's probably not helping things :/.

@AnneLovesGilbert no, of course I don't think it's funny that she behaves in all of those ways. That's why I'm writing on here asking for advice.

Yes she sings about death, but she's joking. She's laughing her head off and making up little songs. She's not a horrible child, she just has a good sense of humour.

I might be miles off but I think that the favouritism to the youngest is obvious and she knows she won’t be the favourite so she’s behaving this way to make sure she won’t be the favourite so it feels like it’s on her terms and hurts less, although of course it won’t. I think a really open honest non-judgemental chat with her about her grandma and how she feels might help. Also do other people tell the youngest things like ‘your so cute/sweet/i love your cuddles’ to them in front of the eldest? I would be really wary here about causing the eldest to feel ‘less’ and the self esteem impact this could have along with jealousy created between the siblings.

she sings about death, talks about people hurting themselves in the worst ways she can think of etc

I sense that you think she's clever and precocious, but many would find this odd and annoying behaviour from a 7 year old. Honestly? I wouldn't find any of this cute. It sounds obnoxious.

I don't know what to say here. If this is acceptable everywhere else then how can you punish her for acting this way in front of her grandmother? If you're going to encourage this behaviour then I guess the natural consequences are that some (many?) won't want to spend time with her.

Wowzer. Singing about people hurting themselves isn't cute in anyway. I'd take her home immediately and explain how horrid she was being. Don't leave poor grandma alone with her until she can act properly. Blimey.

Agree with this - it sounds odd and annoying

@Dayfurrrrit Thanks so much for your advice. I think you're probably spot on. Literally everyone we meet will comment on how sweet/kind my youngest is.

It's really awkward. I wish I could stop people commenting on youngest because it must make my eldest feel really quite shit about herself :/

It sounds like she is affected by her DGM’s favouritism more than you realise, however her behaviour is crude, poor and unacceptable. Singing about death and people hurting themselves is not having a dark sense of humour, and one day she could be overheard by someone who could become distressed or seriously offended even if she is a child.

You need to address this immediately with her outlining what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour and what the consequences will be if she doesn’t comply. Praise good behaviour and speak to your DM about not being so overt with her favouritism.

We’re having something similar but less severe with our two. The youngest is 3 and like all 3 yr olds is currently very cute, my 5 yr old has been getting jealous and lashing out by shouting ‘I hate her’ when she’s being cute and getting attention. By recognising and affirming her feelings she’s learnt that she’s actually feeling jealousy and now when it happens instead of saying she hates her sister she tells us she’s feeling jealous. This helps us help her through these feelings. I mean can you imagine if every time you went out with a mate everyone stopped your friend to tell her how great she looked, how lovely she was, how they loved xyz and all you got was a glance, how shit would you go home feeling about yourself!

@CulturalNomad The majority of the behaviour I've spoken about isn't acceptable anywhere else.

Yes, she sings songs about horrible things, but I can't stop her from singing! It's not like she does it constantly.

Perhaps the way I've portrayed her seems as if she's some horrible child. She's actually very popular and has a large group of friends. As I said, she doesn't act like this the majority of the time. It's mainly in front of Grandma.

She is actually incredibly witty and does have a great sense of humour, and is a very nice child. Kind of hard to portray here when I'm just asking for advice about her negative bits

I will now be leaving this thread because I think people are focussing on the wrong things.

Thank you to those who came with advice.

Yes, she sings songs about horrible things, but I can't stop her from singing! It's not like she does it constantly

Actually you can. When she's doing it you can tell her it's rude and inappropriate. Point out that most people will be put off by that kind of behaviour.

But it sounds like you want to frame it as a "dark sense of humour" rather than obnoxious and annoying. You're really not doing this child any favours here.

It is literally your job to stop her doing things that are inappropriate. It's called parenting. So, yes, you can stop her singing inappropriate songs.
Pp's are not focusing on the wrong thing- you are refusing to see what the problem is. You will not be doing your eldest any favours if you do not address her unacceptable behaviour.

@bomi if you don’t already then take a look at dr Becky at good inside on Instagram. She has been a fantastic resource for me on all things parenting.

I am a grandma - one of my GC went through a brief phase of doing similar - I studiously ignored it, gave them lots of love, made no comment, looked for positive things to do. It passed - it was just a silly phase.

The difference of course is that I show equal love and attention to them all.

It’s hard if the grandmother doesn’t show equal love to them all. I’m in a similar situation- my FIL showers love on my two most lovable children and is dismissive of my middle child who can act up. I don’t know if taking away things will help - it will just make her more resentful. I kind of sympathise with him but remind him about being kind. Mi ultimately think that the adult should be the adult here. The favouritism is not Ok.

I think if it were me I would be looking at what DD is seeing or hearing online or from her friendship group. I think this behaviour is not normal or appropriate for her age and I would be putting a stop to it.

Favouritism from Grandma is unacceptable, but not the only issue. I think you need to seperate that from your DD’s behaviour.