As a parent to two girls, would I be fair to them having a third child?

[LLadybird]

Should I have a third child? 2 years of obsessing, from a parenting perspective for my two daughters.

My husband and I have two beautiful girls, 3 and 2 and a half (15 month age gap). My eldest will be starting a school nursery in September, and my youngest will continue her mornings in a day nursery. We're so on the fence about having a third child. My husband is a high earner, I work part-time, mostly from home, we have a large home, a car that can take seven. So our set up could cope. But we've come through a busy few years so a new baby would cause chaos, but they always do. Our families have been so supportive of our girls, and help with childcare weekly. But my parents want to travel and I know they would feel conflicted if I had a third, and they have been quite open in saying they think two is the right number, as a third child pull focus from the elder two. I haven't ever felt that I'm done, and I don't know why I can't just move on and stop debating whether we're done. We could provide the girls, who are absolutely incredible and the biggest joy you could imagine, an amazing life without another sibling. We could travel, give more inheritance, etc. Would a third child take away from the input we can give them? The girls are incredibly close, and I would worry about a third being excluded because of the gap and the girls' existing bond.

Any thoughts, gratefully received.

You never know until they are born.

As a high earner, I wouldn't be relying on GPs for childcare - let them enjoy travelling.

If you want to have another child, have another child.

We were one-and-done, no one size of family fits everyone.

We have two girls that get on and 2 years apart and have done so much together as a family had such lovely times travel theatre activities. Glad we didn’t roll the dice again. They mid late teens now so this is a message from the next stage! V personal decision though.

Yep, three’s a crowd. Youngest of three here, with elder two close in age. Always felt I was in the way, wasn’t old enough to do what they were doing etc etc. sounds like your life is sorted. Get a dog instead?

I stopped at two - two hands, easy holidays for their whole childhood and most importantly I knew that a dc with disabilities would be very hard on my existing family and not a choice I would make and having a 3rd was a choice I could control.

I agree with this.

In your circumstances I'd definitely have another if I wanted one. But I say that as someone who agonised over this too, but it was a different kettle of fish for us as we are not a high income family, far from it. And now I'm pregnant with 2. We have larger age gaps than you though which does make things easier in some respects though. I know we wouldn't get any more childcare support from family too so the issue of burdening anyone doesn't arise, I will either become a SAHM or #3 will go to nursery like #2 does.

I have three children close in age and life is hectic but fun. We still travel a lot, but it is slightly more expensive as hotel rooms etc are in the main set up for parents with two children, but it’s not an issue for us as we can afford to pay the extra.
Having a third didn’t take away the input from our other two children.
I personally found the step from one to two children harder than two to three.
Although it’s a personal choice you need to make with your husband, my reality & experience or anyone else’s will not be your own.

If you both want a third, have one - personally I wouldn’t even be considering what my parent’s opinion on the matter is. It’s your life you need to make your own decisions.

Thank you all for your considered thoughts. To clarify, I wouldn't be relying on grand parents, we could use the same nursery we have used for the girls, I just know they would want to do what they did for the first two. And I already have a dog 😂

No, quit while you're ahead. What's the point of another? Planet's fucked, massively overpopulated already and the future for them is so uncertain.

We always wanted three and then had twin girls ... debated for a long time whether to go for a third. If I could have guaranteed a boy (just one!), that slept well and got on well with the girls we would have gone for it 😁... but obv that is all completely random so we decided to stick with two.

They're early 20s now and we're mid 50s. We've been able to send them on fabulous school trips abroad, clubs, activities, uni and they're still very close. We're also in a position to help with a house deposit in the next year or so. Not sure we could have done the same financially with a third.

I'd leave it and then have another two close in age. I can see why you're concerned about how a third would fit into the dynamic.

I think you have to go with your gut on this one.
We have two girls too and being a family of 4 is great in so many ways like finding a table at a restaurant, train journeys, holidays because they can share a room, not needing a massive car, not needing to move house from our 3 bed etc etc.
But we also never felt like it was the right time for a 3rd and from the time my youngest was about 2 I did feel "done".
If you can't stop feeling like you would like a third and it mostly fits with your life then go for it, it can only be your decision really.
People I know with 3 or more have all said that transition was so much easier than going from 1 to 2, they just tend to fit in to your life.

You have everything in place so have the 3rd, the girls will adore their new little sibling

I would say go for it or you might regret it. I have DD1 who is 2.5 and DD2 who is 15 months and they get on so well so far, I'm also pregnant with DD3 who is due next month 😅 I can't wait for them all to be so close. I don't think the gap between your second and third would be very big?
Just my opinion but, especially in your situation with a big house and car I would personally go for it

Just to add, this is my third and final 😂

Have another child if you want but put them in childcare and pay for it. Sounds like they are struggling with the kids on the days they have them.

Have you practiced what you preach then?

Your setup sounds like everything’s perfect.

Therefore I wouldn’t have a third.

I wouldn't. You sound like the dynamics work as they are

Having a third made my mum guilt so much worse. My youngest was a really difficult baby and I felt it took away from the time with my other two.

I don't regret my third. I love him. But the 2-3 jump felt huge to me.

However many children you have, there'll always be the question of what would it be like/who would have been if we'd had just one more? At some point, you have to draw a line.

I say that as a mother of 4 all well past the toddler stage, very definitely done, no way am I having more. Once I had 3 though (just to warn you) I had to have 4. I know this is not how everyone feels, but for me, three is kind of precarious, someone is always being left out, whereas four is a great number - even when 2 of them fall out, they always have someone else to play with, no-one is ever left out, because they have 3 different pairing options. No-one is alone as the oldest/youngest/middle. And when they all play together it's really cool.

However, I knew there was no way I could give everyone enough attention if I had any more.

For others, 3 is already too many. Only you know what is right for you and yours, and even then it's still the luck of the draw.... But I would say, even numbers are safest - so either be content with 2 or be aware that you might finish with 4!!!!

Yes, definitely!

I have 2 girls and we are definitely done (DH is booked in for the snip). We're fortunate to be financially well off, and we could afford 3, but what money can't help with is giving us more time - there are only 2 of us (admittedly no help from GPs). At the moment we often split our time with one child with each parent (but still in the same place, eg at a playground or museum). So each child gets one to one attention during family time and gets to do what they want without trailing after the other. When one parent has both girls it's a very different dynamic and one of them has to be ignored for a bit, or compromise. With a third we'd end up constantly in that state, and neither DH nor I would enjoy it.

gawtru makes a good point. To briefly compare parenting to football: if you want to make the jump from 2 to 3, you have to be ready to move from man-to-man marking into basic defence. Again, depends on your playing (parenting) style how well this will work for you.

Not quite the same but we went for #2 and ended up with twins!

I stopped at two 17 months apart both boys.
I had my hands full and didnt need anymore.
You could always get a cat.

No one can decide for you. However, by having this dilemma, it sounds like you feel your family is not complete yet.

Your heart is saying ‘a third’ but your head is saying no.

This is also a decision for you and your dh, and not your parents to make.

(for the record, have two boys. Would have liked more, but ds1 was seriously ill (now well) so dcs3, and maybe 4, never happened , slight regret).