If you don't smack - how do you discipline for dangerous things?

[NotABanana]

Running in road

messing about in road

removing seat belt in car

etc etc

I go in for 'natural consequences'. I don't normally hold my kids hands (well, I don't make them hold my hands), but if they behave inappropriately, they have to hold onto me for a set time, to show they've calmed down. If they do something silly on a bike, they lose the bike for a little while, etc.

The seat belt is a real hassle, although only one we seem to have when they're little. We turn off their music, and we speak to them sternly. Both DSes have gone through phases of doing this, but it seems to pass.

For very young kids, either physically remove them or prevent the situation from arising. (I also give an explaination and a certain amount of telling off but accept it probably won't go in)

So for the examples you gave:

running in road-they would be holding my hands at all times on the road. I am very very strict on this. I would also use reins. Ditto messing about.

Removing seat belt in car-I got a special thing that stops the child being able to get to it. I have a feeling its now not recommended though? (its called a hug it). I also keep car journeys to a minimum during this stage.

For older kids, an explaination. If appropriate we might go through the possibilities for what could happen etc. This takes a while, certainly, but I have only had to do it once with each child (and sometimes less -the older one teaches the younger). Ultimately, if the behaviour continues, I do use consequences, so "if you do x, I will do y/y will happen".

So running in the road would translate into first talking about what could happen-a car not seeing them and hitting them, etc. If that yielded no results I would say that if they ran in the road I would not take them out unless it was somewhere I had to go, and I would actually stick to that for a day or so.

BUT I'd only use such a harsh sanction in something dangerous-I don't use it for my convenience.

I do crossness and shouting, often

NQC's ones are good

we had this yesterday - if you can't follow the rules about safety when playing outside, then you don't get to play outside
that one was straightforward I suppose

the seat belt one we haven't actually had, but for other dangerous behaviour in car we have stopped the car and sat in silence for a while until sense was restored

I would shout stop or their name at the point of running into the road and then I would talk to them.

Messing around in the road, I would talk to them in a very stern voice.

Removing seat belt in the car, stop the car put it back on again stern voice.

I also do the same as NQC. If DD runs off in a shop she has to hold onto DS's buggy for a few minutes, until I can "trust" her again.

When my daughter (3.5) was between 2.6 and 3 she went in for running off down the road, not stopping at the crossing etc.

I used to strap her into her pushchair and explain to her why I had to do so.

She grew out of it and is fine - she rides her scooter on the pavement and stops well before the road crossing.

I did avoid the underground and other really dangerous places at the time, though.

I have loads of kids and don't have enough hands to hold them all and/or push the buggy.

Youngest is too big for reins.

It was my 7 year old who undid his seat belt when we were trying to leave for home. MIL told him he would go through the glass. He didn't care. He did it 3 times, I removed him from the car, after some time I told him he had one chance to get in the car and stay strapped in or I would go without him. (Had sorted it with DH to get him) DS1 decided to stay strapped in.

Plenty of crossness and shouting here too!

Followed by a simple explanation as to why certain things are dangerous. Which you may to do over and over depending on the age of your dc.

When my 2 year old ran in the road he got a smack. Hasn't done it since.

It is my 7 year old who has been messing about in the road and undoing his seat belt (not driving at the time.)

I do find sitting down and discussing it away from the scene works remarkably well

its not a quick or easy solution though.

loud shouting followed by long and boring explanation

What do you do when your 7 year old is in one of his zones and says he doesn't care if he goes through the windscreen?

I would stop the car and explain that in an accident he would fly around the car injuring other people

also that you are not going to let him be in dangerous situations like this as you are his mother and it is your job to take care of him

so the seat belt is going on and staying on

would that work? it is what I would do anyway

He would answer back but I will try it if he does it again. Luckily we weren't driving. I am afriad he would have been smacked if he had done it when we were driving.

Oh I'd stop the car

I won't drive a car unless everyone is strapped in, but I am quite neurotic about this, for various reasons. OTOH the kids do know that I am very serious about this.

Surely constantly having a child on reins, or holding their hand just teaches them that as soon as you are NOT holding their hand or have them attached to a leash like a dog (sorry, have strong opinions about those reins things!) they'll zip off faster than anything to the world of exciting freedom....

Personally, for the road thing, I have found that never making my DS feel trapped at my side, he's pretty sensible. But maybe I'm just lucky- he's a pretty calm child. If he runs off in front of me, he'll always stop at a road.
Don't completely take away everything that might be potentially dangerous, cos then they never learn how to behave accordingly. It is then unfair to jump down a child's throat if they do something daft.

On the odd occasions DS has been an idiot and decided he'll run across a road without looking (obviously I am always insistent by busy roads he stay right next to me), I am so unbelievably angry, and shocked, and raise my voice (which I seldom do) that he gets the message VERY fast. But, because I have, from the getgo, told him WHY he needs to wait for me, WHY I want him to hold onto his babybrother's buggy, WHY he needs to check for cars, he understands therefore WHY I am shouting at him.
Shouting when there has been no previous discussion (however much you can discuss with a 2/3yr old) is pretty pointless IMO.

I would start refusing to take him to things he wants to go to. I know that's not always practical but I would try it

I would do the same as some of the other posts.
Insist on holding hands or put reins on a child that could run into the road or messed around on the road.
If one of the children kept taking seatbelt off I have pulled to the side of the road and sat there and waited until they were willing to keep the seatbelt fastened after explaining why it needed to be fastened.
I have lots of children, too. When I had children in pushchairs if I couldn't trust older to walk then they have to hold on to the pushchair or we don't move. I wait. Eventually they have usually got fed up and hold on. Reins for younger ones who forget to hold on or don't want to.

Bergentulip - it's possible to do the things you say but still hold a young child's hand or have them on reins. As they get older and understand more then there is no need to use reins or hold hands. You do get to know when that is. However, the reins/hand holding is insurance for the time such as you describe when a child darts off and has a momentary lapse of memory. Being shocked and raising your voice wouldn't be any use if they had been hit by a car but reins would prevent them darting off in front of oncoming traffic - you can still be shocked and short with them after the danger has passed.

sorry tulip, I think you're just lucky. I think its a personality thing. Some kids have NO road sense, and it really is a choice between having them strapped in a pushchair whenever you are out and having them on reins.

Ds used to run off completely randomly whenever we left the house. We are pretty laid back parents-we don't even have stair gates. But we are talking here about a child who at 2 didn't seem to get that roads were for cars and pavements for people.

Dd1 was utterly different and would walk beside me. It would not have crossed my mind to put her on reins.

With ds, the reins were a way to teach him about road safety. The poor road sense came first, not the reins. But it was also about keeping him safe without strapping him in a buggy whenever we were out. It took about 2 months iirc, and then I was confdent enough that he wouldn't run off to take the reins off.

I think this anti-reins thing is responsible for keeping a lot of kids strapped in pushchairs unecessarily, and that is far more serious IMO. Kids should walk where possible I reckon.

Kids are different and most parents are pretty clued up about their own child. Generally best not to judge, IME.

FJ, this is my experience, the eldest two were compliant and sensible would hold onto my hand happily etc. The next two are bolters if I yell stop or wait at dd4 she stops grins at me then runs off again, she tantrums 80% of the time I insist she holds my hand, she tantrums about going in the buggy. Last time she ran off I smacked her (she did the stop, grin and run thing AGAIN) and tbh she has suddenly been 90% better. She really seems convinced she should be able to to do what she wants! I will dig those reins out asap otherwise she may well end up flattened under a car.

Fillyjonk, you may be right, and I'll find in 18mths time/2yrs, I'll be eating my words, and running after DS2 as he takes on a lorry- then sheepishly going into Shop X, and purchasing the biggest set of reins in there.....

I don't judge when I see children in reins, of course parents know their own child, but I hope that these parents are not just slapping them on because they think it'll be what is needed--- unlike you who clearly knows it is what is needed for your own child.

And definitely better that than a child who is constantly strapped into a buggy. Agree with you on that wholeheartedly.

oh i was a bot harsh there tbh tulip

it touches a nreve. I had SO many comments.

but really it was reins or the buggy.

I have a friend whose kid won't go in the buggy either (dd1 was like this but was ok with walking sensibly)

Like most of these restriction thing (buggies, stairgates, etc etc) it can be used to let the child into the bigger world in a safe way, or restrict their freedom in their own world.

Haven't got a car so that one doesn't apply.

Used reins or held hands near busy roads when they were little. Childminder had them all trained to hold onto the buggy and that helped. I don't think reins means that they are always going to zip off when released; it just means that you can gradually give them more freedom in places that are not quite so dangerous (the leash unzips and zips on again really easily). And it's far less restrictive than holding hands or buggies.

Deep parental voice + shocked expression if they forgot safety when older.

I think giving them choices and consequences- eg If you run in the road, you will have to sit in the buggy
I don't like reigns, thet don't really fit in with my ethos, and I have never had to use them.
I just took some time to train them on road safety.

Removing seat belt in car- I would turn around and go back home again, and explain we won't go anywhere if seat belts are removed.
Time consuming for a short while, but the lesson will be learnt