5 year old behaviour

[rocketvan]

I'm at my wits end with my 5 year old & I don't know what to do.

He's a lovely boy I'd say 90% of the time. But his temper and aggression are starting to get out of control. The trigger can be anything from being tired to not getting his own way to not getting my attention the second he demands it, and once he loses his temper it's very difficult to get him back.

Today alone I've been punched, kicked, scratched, bitten, been told he's going to kill me, called a "fucking bitch" amongst other nasty things and told he wants me to die. I can't even remember what triggered it off, something so insignificant but then the escalation has terrified me. He's become defiant as well, does not like me or his dad telling him to do (or not to do) something.

He's recently gone on report at school (reception) for showing similar behaviour there. Never been any other reasons for concern, as previously mentioned most of the time he's a delight to be around but he's always been quick to fly off the handle even since being a toddler, over the past month or so it's steadily got worse with no real reason why that I can thing of. He's got a stable home life, nothing has changed there. He's loved school since he started and there's no changes there.

He's my only child I've nothing to judge him against, so I don't know how much of this is "normal" for his age, and how much of it I need to be seriously concerned about, and to be honestly I'm totally mortified by his behaviour, especially the language so I'm hesitant to speak to any of my friends.

Would really appreciate any advice if anyone has ever been in a similar situation. I've got a meeting with school on Thursday anyway to discuss his report so going to raise this with them then as well. I'm just so defeated, feel like I've somehow let him down. We're meant to be going on holiday next week and I honestly don't even want to go

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.
I have to say (gently) that this behaviour is far from common. I have a 5 year old and he doesn't hurt or swear at me. In fact he doesn't even know those words.
It's really good to hear that you are going to speak with his school as they may be able to help.

Do you still have a health visitor? (Have to say I haven't heard from ours in years). If so then maybe contact them, if not then try and have a word with the gp (without your son present).
It sounds really difficult and I'm sure you are doing a great job!

My youngest child is a similar age and the older ones are neurodivergent, but none of what you describe is normal. I think you need to ask for a meeting with the school senco and see what concerns they have so you call all work together with this.

Where has he learnt the phrase “fucking bitch” from?

I agree his behaviour very is far from normal. I would be seeking all the help you can. If you look for children social service and your council name then give them a call and they will be able to direct you to support service.

The flying off the handle easily and explosive emotions I think are normal tbh. My DC is the same and I know for a fact some of her friends are as well.

However the physical aggression aimed at you and the language are not.

Where has he even learned language like that? I'd be concerned if I heard a child that age using language like that, about what they are being exposed to if they know those words? My DC would have absolutely no clue what those mean and doesn't know those words. "Stupid" is about the worst possible word she knows.

I try to have conversations with my DC once they've calmed down around how it's normal and fine to feel big emotions like anger or frustration but there's acceptable and unacceptable ways of channeling those. I encourage her to find things she can do that aren't dangerous and won't result in anyone hurt or anything broken. Ideas I give are things like putting on music loud/singing loudly, throwing teddy bears around, bashing teddy bears or a pillow, writing down her feelings, scribbling hard on paper, deep breathing to calm down, come and get a cuddle from me, look at a book to take her mind off it etc. Obviously in the moment she often forgets all this but she does remember and use the strategies sometimes. She often takes herself off her to bedroom and has a scream and then calms and starts playing with something in her room.

Some good books that help me manage her big explosions are Raising Your Spirited Child and How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen.

Most of what you’re describing is not ‘normal’ 5 year old behaviour.
I’ve taught 100s of 5 year olds and I can think of about 5 who would have called an adult a ‘fucking bitch’. Similarly the serious violence.
What have you tried to try and change this behaviour? What is the response to this? What are the consequences?
What are school doing? Is it working?

What do you do to discipline him?

Has anything at school unsettled him, like coming to the end of EYFS and chats about transitioning to Y1 etc? Any school trips coming up or sports days? Things out of routine that have unsettled him? You might be setting off secondary triggers to underlying anxieties for these events that are out of his usual routine 🤔 just a thought

Thank you all for the replies. I'm just reading through now. The language I'm at a loss with. That's certainly not a phrase he hears at home. He has very strict controls on what he watches on tv / tablet - and I'm always with him when he's watching anything, so I'm certain he's not picked it up from tv. I've asked where he's got it from and he's blaming a child at school. Which seems very feasible if I'm being honest. But other than talking to him about how horrible those words are, and how we aren't to use them I don't know what else I can do? He tells me understands and he'll never use them again but next time he loses his temper it just comes out of his mouth.

I've already raised with the teacher where potentially he's picked the bad language up from, she didn't look shocked.

He would never ever come out with anything remotely like a swear word on "normal" day to day, he's honestly always had a fabulous vocabulary, and he uses so many words I just wouldn't expect someone of his age to use, and he gets the context right nearly all the time. It's only when he has these "meltdowns" (and I know that's maybe not the best word to use but I can't think of another way to describe it) that words like that come out

He's only very recently gone on report at school, less than a week so it's hard to say if that's doing any good - I feel doubtful after today. But I need to give it a chance. We've tried a mix of time outs, losing certain privileges, and I'm trying to follow schools lead of only getting treats / rewards when he gets the two stickers for the day (one for am and one for pm) - they advised it doesn't need to be a massive reward, or anything expensive just doing something like letting him watch his favourite show for 20 min or a quick park trip on the way home. On Friday we had a "garden picnic" as his treat, basically eating his tea outside in the back garden with all his favourite teddies etc. He loved that.

It honestly breaks my heart writing all this, as I know reading about the 5 year who calls his mum a "fucking bitch" and the violence must make him sound like an awful child but so much of the time he's a joy, always telling me how much he loves me and giving cuddles, and doing drawings as "presents" for me, loves learning and really enjoys going to school and seeing his friends.

It's just so sad, it's like two totally different children.

I don't think so, he's excited about moving to Y1 - he already tells people he's in Y1 😂 he doesn't seem to get phased by stuff like sports days etc, unless he's bottling it all up and just not telling me. I've worked out the best time to talk to him about stuff is before bed when he's all relaxed and not distracted so I do ask about school and if anything is bothering him, he does mention a few names of people who he's fallen out with / or haven't been nice to him but within the next few days he's best mates with them again.

He shouldn’t have a tablet at his age. How much screen time does he get?

I’m going to be honest and say you sound too soft. If I had called my mum a ‘fucking bitch’ I would’ve had my bottom smacked. I’m not advocating for that but losing stickers, seriously? If my 5 year old (and I do have one) called me a fucking bitch, I would hit the roof, and that would mean a bit of shouting and ‘scary mum mode’. I’ll get a ton of responses saying I’m draconian and awful, but my kid is perfectly behaved and actually very confident because she has firm boundaries and knows I’m in charge.

So where is he hearing swearing words and attitude like that as its learned. As for the physical he is either copying someone or never had boundaries

It's actually my tablet, and he has limited use, but if he's home from school whilst I'm still working he will have some time then, or before the school run if I have an early meeting. Also if I need a break on a weekend from playing Lego / football / play doh/ whatever other activity he wants to do he will watch a few episodes then.

For context, his favourite TV program is still Peppa pig / Ben and Holly. But has recently discovered number blocks and Alphablocks which he absolutely loves, and have helped him come on leaps and bounds with his maths, and made him really get into it all. So I do know tablets seem to be demonised at his age by some, but right now it's probably the least of my worries with him as I'm very aware of what he is watching and how long he spends on it.

No no no.

Sorry but if he’s on it while you’re working, and before school, and at weekends that’s… all the time.

He’s probably on it much more than you think.

Theres zero educational benefit. Ditch it. It won’t be helping - it delivers endless dopamine hits to the brain and literally rewires them. It’s frightening.

I've got to agree. My natural reaction would be to scare the words right out of his brain. I'd be livid.

I can't say you're wrong tbh. I am soft, but I did hit the roof today, after the 2 or 3 time he punched me. And I'm not a shouty person at all, but it didn't phase him, if anything it seemed to spur on the anger more.

Yes because he’s used to getting his way and knows you’re soft. I’ve always been a little scary to my kids - I’ve perfected the scary mum raised voice and the ‘look’. Work on yours and ditch that bloody mind bending tablet.

@MaryMaryVeryContrary - it's not every day, I said "if he's home when I'm still working" - which is maybe once or twice a week, and "if
I have a meeting before the school run" which is again once or twice a week, sometimes not at all. And don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's ideal but I work 40+ hours a week and Im the primary caregiver most of the week too, it's a constant juggle.

I have to disagree about the educational side, yes if he was plonked in front of you tube but he's not allowed anything like that. I've noticed a massive uptake in his interest in maths since watching numberblocks.

He doesn’t need maths and science at 5, he needs his developing brain to be calibrated correctly with proper play and calm. Tablets really are awful for small children and should be banned. I’m sorry I know it’s a struggle, but please just get rid. And TV if you can, at least dial that right back.

I can only assume school. His dad and I certainly don't spend our evenings swearing at each other, or throwing punches/ scratching each other. When I speak to school this week I need to understand if this behaviour is happening with others in the class. He does go to after school club some days after school too, so I'm wondering if there are older kids there that he's picking things up from? But I can't see the people who run the ASC putting up with that at all.

He's got no other young siblings he could have picked it up from, and he doesn't really go out on play dates / sleepovers or anything like that yet. The only play dates we go on are with my friends kids who definitely not the type of kids to come out with stuff like that. And I'm always with him so I'd know if anything like that was happening / being said.

Well he's lost it anyway now due to his behaviour so I guess we'll see if there's any improvement with him not having that.

Likely autistic

No five year olds I've ever known have thrown around 'fucking bitch'. This is far from normal and he's learnt it somewhere, I doubt in school in reception.

Please expand?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing more, as obviously I have wondering if this was a trait of something along the spectrum but on googling (yes I know...) in the past apart from this issue with his temper / violence etc I struggled to link him up with any of the "typical" traits of anything like that. It's never been suggested by nursery or school, and he's always had a tendency to blow up ever since he was a toddler.

I'd never rule anything out so I'd be really interested to hear more.

Honestly, it's just a feeling based on 20 years experience diagnosing autism. Thai is how it often starts in kids who are otherwise appearing to function quite well. The level of violence at home and at school you are describing are not typical development. I have only really seen this in

1. Incredibly traumatised children who have grown up in terribly abusive settings
2. Autistic children

So I'm betting on the latter