5 year old behaviour

[rocketvan]

I'm at my wits end with my 5 year old & I don't know what to do.

He's a lovely boy I'd say 90% of the time. But his temper and aggression are starting to get out of control. The trigger can be anything from being tired to not getting his own way to not getting my attention the second he demands it, and once he loses his temper it's very difficult to get him back.

Today alone I've been punched, kicked, scratched, bitten, been told he's going to kill me, called a "fucking bitch" amongst other nasty things and told he wants me to die. I can't even remember what triggered it off, something so insignificant but then the escalation has terrified me. He's become defiant as well, does not like me or his dad telling him to do (or not to do) something.

He's recently gone on report at school (reception) for showing similar behaviour there. Never been any other reasons for concern, as previously mentioned most of the time he's a delight to be around but he's always been quick to fly off the handle even since being a toddler, over the past month or so it's steadily got worse with no real reason why that I can thing of. He's got a stable home life, nothing has changed there. He's loved school since he started and there's no changes there.

He's my only child I've nothing to judge him against, so I don't know how much of this is "normal" for his age, and how much of it I need to be seriously concerned about, and to be honestly I'm totally mortified by his behaviour, especially the language so I'm hesitant to speak to any of my friends.

Would really appreciate any advice if anyone has ever been in a similar situation. I've got a meeting with school on Thursday anyway to discuss his report so going to raise this with them then as well. I'm just so defeated, feel like I've somehow let him down. We're meant to be going on holiday next week and I honestly don't even want to go

BUT of course I could be wrong since it's just a guy feeling base on one message from a stranger on the internet!

Thank you for your response, honestly appreciate it - I'm taking all on aboard, no matter how hard it is to read. It's given me a lot to discuss in my next meeting with school.

Yes, this ⬆️

I bet the language has come from somebody at school, OP. My DS had a’friend’ who was the naughty boy of the class, aggressive bullying and sweary. I could always tell when my son had been playing with him or sat by him as his behaviour at home was noticeably worse. Answering back was the main give away.
Im certain that my DS wouldn’t dare speak to me like that even now and he’s 38, I just won’t tolerate that, and never have. You need strong boundaries in place quickly as to what is and isn’t acceptable. You’ll know if it’s school friend related after your holiday. Hope it sorts itself out for you, op. Hope your holiday helps.

Sorry to be blunt but I really don't like all the posters making you feel like it's your parenting. I really doubt that it is. More likely he is getting gradually more overwhelmed at school and it's showing in his behaviour.

I understand the doubt, and trust me I feel it as it's a really lovely school but I'm struggling to pin down anywhere else. It's just me and his dad at home, and his dad works long hours so a lot of the time it's just me and DS. And if I was going to swear that particular phrase wouldn't even be in my top 10 things to say.

We had his first parents evening late last year and it was glowing, such a positive report on how he'd settled in school, and how he was loving learning etc. And don't get me wrong we still had the odd flashpoint at home with his temper, but never the bad language and never the violence so It's hard to understand how we've ended up here less than 6 months later

Tbh I feel I've let him down somewhere along the line I just don't know where.

But your post has certainly given me a different viewpoint which I'm going to investigate more, so I honestly do appreciate the different angle to look at

Yes but at 5 he doesn't know what it means....he's simply copying language that he's heard! Whilst I'd be devastated that my child knew such language and would want to know where it came from I'd be more concerned about the violence.

He sounds very similar to my 4.5 year old who has just been diagnosed ASD.

I would also consider neurodiversity.

I think it's very plausible that his behavioural problems have more to do with how his brain is wired rather than with your parenting skills.

Look up "The explosive child", it is a really good book - compassionate, insightful, and practical.
Written by someone with a wealth of experience.

I don't agree with posts criticising your parental skills.

What is the explosive child theory?

In short, Greene's premise in The Explosive Child is that some kids, especially some of those with ADHD, Autism Spectrum Disorders, OCD, and all that alphabet soup, are highly inflexible and easily frustrated rather than manipulative, as they're often called by their grandparents, aunts, neighbors, and even parents.

Sending you hugs as I know its incredibly hard.

I'm no expert in anyway but my 5 year old DS is currently being assessed for ASD. He doesn't sound at the same level but when he does get angry it's not an emotion he deals with well. It's like something clicks in him and he's upset but says he's going to make bad choices, tries to scratch, will throw things. It's like if he thinks he's been bad then he will carry on and struggles to get out of the zone. If I get angry with him it escalates and just feeds into his emotions.

Easier said than done, but I'm getting better at spotting signs hes heading for that mood and then distract and keep it light. For him it's usually when he's overtired.

I would agree about talking to the school senco and start making a note of all instances to see if you can identify any triggers.

I'm surprised how many people identify by having children that don't know swear words.

I would have been sure my (only just learnt to read) 3.5 year old didn't know swear words if it hadn't been for the fact I gave him my old CD collection and he found the lily Allen cd with "fuck you" on it and was enjoying it rather too much!

Kids know way more than you think.

OP you sound like an amazing mum. ❤️

I only have a baby so can’t speak from experience with my own son, but I teach KS1 and have met a small handful of young children with these explosive tendencies. I’d say 3 or 4 out of 5 are neurodiverse. It’s not ALWAYS the case but looking back, the ones without a diagnosis (yet, as not to say it won’t happen) have had slightly more turbulent upbringings. From your posts and comments, I can only assume that your son has had a lovely upbringing so far. With that being said, I would assume he is neurodiverse in some way and would be good for you to speak to the school SENCO and GP if they’re any good. X

I have a child with asd and a child with adhd. I've worked with children for twenty years

What you're describing is not normal. The level of aggression, the use of language in a aggressive manner

Has he always been aggressive/highly emotional? When did it escalate?

Has he been through any emotional trauma ever?

He could be neuro divergent- asd, adhd or pda. Read up on them all.

Is there anything else that strikes you as unusual/quirly?

It could be emotional/trauma. Look carefully at what's happening in his life, who's he spending time with when he's not with you. What he's being exposed to. Is he at risk of abuse.

Speak to school senco ask them to observe him . Explain what's happening. Explain his worst days, don't down play it.

Go to gp or ask hv to visit, again explain his worst behaviour

With regard to behaviour I would try to have consistent routines. Set meal times bed times screen times. Make sure he knows what's happening try not to spring stuff on him

Lots of warning when something is due to end

Look for signs he's gets frustrated, try to step in early with distraction to avoid kick off

See if visuals help - daily timetable or a sand timer for things finishing

Have one consistent discipline timeout works well at that age. 5 minutes. Not a punishment more removing him from the situation to regulate himself. You should stay with him . What ever you choose . Doi it consistently

Don't punish meltdowns he's become overwhelmed and is not deliberately trying to hurt anyone. Try to soothe while protecting yourself/him. Can do timeout after if it won't set him off again do try your best to talk to him about his behaviour

Role model behaviour, don't shout, lose your rag. Try to stay calm when he's frustrating you. Same with dad .

Give him lots of opportunities to burn energy every day

I would be focusing on supporting him to regulate his emotions so that it very rarely gets to the explosive end of the spectrum. I certainly wouldn't shout at him because that is reinforcing we can shout at people when we don't get our own way (when someone says no to us, or we don't like what they say). I would behave towards him as you wish him to behave. I would be doing lots of work using role plays, books and puppets in recognising and responding to emotions, using the body to cue us into how we feel in particular given the lashing out is probably a sign he's been ignoring his bodily sensations until he can't any more.

I also would ditch the screen time on a tablet altogether.

I absolutely agree with this. Have a look into autism OP.

I agree with those suggesting this could be ASD. It sounds challenging and not what you would describe as typical 5 year old behaviour. I also think he knows that fucking bitch is a bad word due to how he's used it, it will have been picked up from school.

I disagree about tablets not being educational, they absolutely can be if the correct parental controls are in place. Schools use them for all sorts of purposes , it's a dated view now that children shouldn't have tablets. The world has changed and tablets are very much part of education. Used in the right way they can be Great so don't feel guilty about that.