To think this mum is pushing boundaries?

[Hazardlightsout]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m anxious about this situation and would appreciate other mums take on it.
My 15 yo has a boyfriend from her school, he seems nice and she’s happy.
she met his family 3 months ago and gets on well with his mum. She has been very welcoming and my dd is comfortable and happy.
however now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable by the fact the mum is constantly asking my dd to come over, have sleep overs, come at inconvenient times for dinner etc, she says she’ll pick her up and take her home, that she’s round the corner and wants to pick her up if she’s home, invites her out to family events and has invited her to a family wedding at the end of 2025.
i feel it’s too much for a high school boyfriends mum to be doing. Chances of them lasting and living happily ever after as adults is slim, it’s a learning curve at this age. My dd is easily manipulated and she believes the wedding invite is a promise of them still being together at the end of next year despite their plans of going to different colleges an hour apart.
the mum hasn’t spoken to me, I waved and said hi when she was outside, she smiled and walked away. I found this really odd. My dd said she’s shy..
I had a gentle chat that I feel it’s too much too soon and the boyfriends family shouldn’t be hounding her so much. She was angry with me and claimed I was trying to ruin her future.. typical teen.
She told me the mum shouted at the boyfriend for a whole day because dd couldn’t make it one day and she really wanted to pick her up and have her stay. This made dd feel guilty and I found out she bought the mum flowers.
We had a family meal planned 2 weekends ago, there were issues with the booking so it was pushed back and the mum told my dd to cancel and go to her house for a take away instead. We refused and told her she needs to make time for her family.
I feel like she is undermining my job as my dd mum.
i don’t allow sleepovers with boys, I let her go to his house during the day but the majority of the time they go shopping or to a cinema.
maybe I’m being ott as I haven’t experienced this before and teen dating is new to me and worrying, but I don’t think the mum should be getting involved like this.
i once saw a text message pop up on dd phone from the boyfriend saying “ my mum likes you coming here because you make me happy and I’m not happy otherwise “ I have heard speculation he has ADD and mental health issues although dd gets angry and strongly denies it, so again I am concerned she is being used to control the boyfriend as they can’t cope with his behaviour? He is constantly in trouble at school.
Does anyone know the best way forward? If I forbid visits or seeing the boyfriend I’d never hear the end of it, I’d rather be supportive and know i am aware of everything going on than have her sneak around.

I think you’re right OP and what she’s doing isn’t on at all.

I’d maintain a firm line about sleepovers, until she’s finished school. Make sure she is using contraception in the meantime.

Id be proactive with the mum, invite her out for coffee. State that you’re uncomfortable with other adults texting her at such a young age. Then I’d make sure your house was the fun house, keep them close and her way as much as possible.

Also DD needs to be less available to them. Can she do more stuff after school? Weekend job?

So weird but you 100% have to speak to the mum im afraid.

The message you saw sounds very manipulative. It all sounds strange tbh and I would be worried too. I think the only thing you can do is try to encourage them both to spend more time at yours and speak to your daughter about how to instill boundaries and what control can look like in relationships/friendships.

The mum seems to be coverting the relationship more than her son. She possibly lacks a friendship group herself?? Regardless it all sounds a little bizarre and controlling. I think there is no way round this other than a conversation with his mum to set some boundaries. You will have to be sensitive about this and certainly not call her bizarre 🙈. But make your views and wishes known and then monitor the situation. I'd ask her to keep your conversation to herself, but he prepared for your daughter to know and fall out with you.

I wouldn't ordinarily suggest getting involved as your daughter is getting older and should navigate her own relationships. However the mum is an adult and in a position of authority. For your description it sounds like she is using this to call the shots and manipulate your daughter. She needs to back off and leave the kids to it. But you must do this sensitively; in a friendly way else you'll cause a lot of damage 👍

It's bizarre that the mum is putting this much pressure on your DD to come round. Bizarre and worrying if true. (Is there any chance the bf is making it up because he wants to see her? The shouting at him all day thing is really odd. Is the mum messaging directly?)

Surely normal at this age is to be led by your teen. So picking up a bf/gf on request (mum, Sarah is coming round, can we go get her) or casually offering bf/gf is welcome (we're planning to go for dinner on Sat, do you want to ask Sarah?)

I literally could have written this myself about my 16 year old a few months ago.
Very similar situation. My DD was being made to cancel on us to go round to his and because of the mum pushing her to do that.
Like you, I had a gentle conversation with her and she blew up about it. I'd said to see herself in 10 years, what will she be doing? Where will she be? This boy she was with didn't enjoy going out, just wanted to stay in (with her) all the time and .y DD is a very outdoorsy outgoing person. Other mum would comment how she made him happy, constantly picking her up and dropping her off. She was invited to a big family party in the summer and they were also inviting her to go on holiday with them (which we begrudgingly agreed to because we couldn't really stop her).
All of a sudden, out of the blue one day, she told me she wanted to split up with him.
I asked why and her reasons was she thought his mum was weird always being the driving force behind the relationship, that she wanted to travel and he didn't and that she felt uncomfortable doing big family things with him like the party and holiday - like that was 'sealing her fate' with him.
Anyway, she made the decision herself. I couldn't nor would I have been the one to split them up.
What I am trying to say is support your daughter, give her advise but in the end she will have to make her own decision.
Best thing you can do is support her and keep that open communication with her.
I would make some boundaries though like if you organise something like a family meal that she has to come, but try and compromise.
We had similar with my daughter when she needed to be revising but was invited to his. I said no, but if you want to go out on such and such a day I will pick him up and do the running about. This worked well in terms of compromising with her.

You definitely need to talk to the mother. Be tactful but firm. 15 year olds however mature do not have the ability to see possible consequenses or danger. That is your job. Your DD isn't responsible for this boys happiness. How will he react if your DD decides she isn't interested anymore? This isn't normal, teenagers are intense but the mother definitely sounds like a weirdo. I don't want to scare you but the whole scenario made the hairs on my neck stand up. This situation could become a lot more tricky if you don't step in now.

Your daughter is being pressured into being responsible for both the grown mother and the boyfriend's feelings. This is too much for her at her age or any age.

She needs to learn about boundaries but she may not listen to mum. Can you get her lalalaletmeexplain book (check the content first) and encourage her to follow her page as she talks a lot about stuff like this

You are right to be concerned. Your daughter is being made to feel responsible for this boys happiness, potentially at the expense of her own .l think you should be having a conversation with the mother and telling her to back off your daughter

This is really concerning.

It sounds inappropriate and coercive.

Can you ask the school for advice?

Good idea to talk with school safeguarding lead

I'd be really concerned if I was you, and would talk the school as others have suggested. I would be really uncomfortable with another adult texting my DD so much and putting pressure on her like this. I agree talk to your DD about boundaries - I'm not sure what you'd say if you talked to the mother that wouldn't be inflammatory.

Think you need some boundaries here. Would restrict nights with boyfriend to twice a week. Maybe he should come to yours for his tea/dinner so you could get to know him. I would definitely have a word with the boys parents and tell them to back off. Your daughter needs to concentrate on her upcoming exams. You are the parent here stop pussyfooting around the situation.

Yes tbh - if this was happening with my 15 yo DD I'd be monitoring her phone

Make sure the kids are not having sex. They are way too young. Also could be an impregnation trap

One easy way for your DD to stay compliant with her boyfriend's mum is for her to be pregnant and have a baby. She would have a permanent connection with the family then.

I would probably be direct with the mum and say no to DD visiting. Boyfriend welcome to come to your home etc.

I'd say invite the boyfriend and family over for food. Get to know them and chat about your boundaries, challenges of having a teenage daughter etc etc

Sleepovers with a boy at 15? Big no (I have a 13 yo), a wedding at the end of 2025?!!! Ridiculous!
You're right this mum is seriously pushing her boundaries and sounds crazy.
Tricky to get your DD to realise this though, if you criticise too much you'll push her away.
Keep communicating with her.
Ask the boyfriend around to yours more so you can get to know him.
If you're unhappy about the sleepovers say no, no discussions. She's your daughter and still a child, sometimes it just has to be a firm no.

That sounds like a very very good idea. As the boyfriend has behavioural issues, the mum might be overly focussed on your DD in terms of rescuing him which is way too much of a burden for a 15 year old in her first wee romance. Anything you can do to bring this under your roof and assert some boundaries would be good. Your DD is too young to deal with something so complex and you need to parent her through this. You really don't want her guilt tripped into staying with him longer than she wants, or feeling trapped in another family's dynamic or issues.

I think that you are absolutely right to be concerned. If your daughter was 25 years old, I would say that she was just welcoming and excited about a potential new daughter in law. At 15 years old however, it really is too much.

The more worrying thing however, is that your daughter is being made to feel responsible for her boyfriend / his mums wellbeing. This is way too much for any person, let alone a child.

If the boyfriend is from school, I’d speak to the school and find an appropriate channel to help.

How can OP make sure they’re not having sex? I’d say it was safer to make sure DD is on some sort of birth control

I have a dd exactly the same age and school year. I’d be deeply concerned. If I was in your situation I think I’d want to go and talk to the mother. I would fear it would blow things up as she sounds absolutely batshit. I know someone, who is batshit and can be a bit possessive of my dd btw (parent to a friend, not bf). If I tried to have a convo about this sort of thing with her it wouldn’t go down well so steel yourself for that.

I like the idea of inviting everyone to yours and being as welcoming to the boy and also trying to get them to spend as much time at your house as often possible rather always being at his. It is also important to connect with your dd about it and see if she will open up enough to ask her if she feels pressured into supporting this boy and by the mum. She clearly does if she’s buying the woman flowers.

I am quite close to some of my dd’s friends and ask them if they have any gossip. Idk if they realise but I am actually using the gossip as a learning curve for them (and me), ask questions etc so we’ve covered things like controlling relationships in these talks.

This leads me onto the question, have you thought about the potential of discussing this with your dd’s friends? They could potentially be a great source of help. You don’t have to create a confidence thing or anything if you don’t want to. So if you don’t want to specifically discuss this with them, you could keep the channels open by wishing them luck for their exams over text / asking how they got on… I have a few of my dd’s friends numbers but idk if you do. Then perhaps they will feel like coming to you. If you want to talk to any of her friends specifically about this, you may need to run something like this by their parents first.

They are just children. Plus it's illegal at that age. How can you be so casual about kids having sex?

It may be illegal and they may be children (which so are 16 year olds and they can lawfully have sex so your point doesn’t make sense), but I think it’s a far more naive attitude to expect that you can stop 15 year olds having sex. Surely ensuring birth control is being used is the safest option and the complete opposite of casual….?