To think this mum is pushing boundaries?

[Hazardlightsout]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but I’m anxious about this situation and would appreciate other mums take on it.
My 15 yo has a boyfriend from her school, he seems nice and she’s happy.
she met his family 3 months ago and gets on well with his mum. She has been very welcoming and my dd is comfortable and happy.
however now I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable by the fact the mum is constantly asking my dd to come over, have sleep overs, come at inconvenient times for dinner etc, she says she’ll pick her up and take her home, that she’s round the corner and wants to pick her up if she’s home, invites her out to family events and has invited her to a family wedding at the end of 2025.
i feel it’s too much for a high school boyfriends mum to be doing. Chances of them lasting and living happily ever after as adults is slim, it’s a learning curve at this age. My dd is easily manipulated and she believes the wedding invite is a promise of them still being together at the end of next year despite their plans of going to different colleges an hour apart.
the mum hasn’t spoken to me, I waved and said hi when she was outside, she smiled and walked away. I found this really odd. My dd said she’s shy..
I had a gentle chat that I feel it’s too much too soon and the boyfriends family shouldn’t be hounding her so much. She was angry with me and claimed I was trying to ruin her future.. typical teen.
She told me the mum shouted at the boyfriend for a whole day because dd couldn’t make it one day and she really wanted to pick her up and have her stay. This made dd feel guilty and I found out she bought the mum flowers.
We had a family meal planned 2 weekends ago, there were issues with the booking so it was pushed back and the mum told my dd to cancel and go to her house for a take away instead. We refused and told her she needs to make time for her family.
I feel like she is undermining my job as my dd mum.
i don’t allow sleepovers with boys, I let her go to his house during the day but the majority of the time they go shopping or to a cinema.
maybe I’m being ott as I haven’t experienced this before and teen dating is new to me and worrying, but I don’t think the mum should be getting involved like this.
i once saw a text message pop up on dd phone from the boyfriend saying “ my mum likes you coming here because you make me happy and I’m not happy otherwise “ I have heard speculation he has ADD and mental health issues although dd gets angry and strongly denies it, so again I am concerned she is being used to control the boyfriend as they can’t cope with his behaviour? He is constantly in trouble at school.
Does anyone know the best way forward? If I forbid visits or seeing the boyfriend I’d never hear the end of it, I’d rather be supportive and know i am aware of everything going on than have her sneak around.

Try to get the mum on side. Be friends with her if you can.
But also be clear with all parties what’s a hard no from you eg no sleepovers until they are 16.
You can’t predict the future so don’t get too hung up on how she’ll react if they don’t work out. You can’t protect her from every hurt, nor should you. If you try to tell her they might not be together by the time of the wedding you’ll just come off badly.

Completely inappropriate by the mum.
As soon as I started reading I thought I bet it’s because the son is happier when she’s there, but she’s doing far too much. Your daughter is not responsible for bringing good vibes to her household.

This is nuts and major red flags.

Absolutely speak to the mum, but you might have to put an end to it altogether if the other mother doesn't immediately stop undermining you. Use this opportunity to tech your daughter what unhinged looks like.

My son has ASD and has been basically friendless all the way through school. When he did actually make a proper friend, I had to be really, really strict with myself to back the fuck off and not get involved/be overbearing/too pushy. I managed it because I'm a sensible adult, but if this lad is having problems your DD probably looks like the answer to all of them and the other mum is latching onto her.

It's weird and actually quite controlling behaviour but I can very easily see where it comes from.

You need to help DD enforce boundaries without you being seen to be pulling the strings. She will eventually get tired of it; but make other things equally attractive and don't back down on things like family dinners and spending appropriate time at home.

Under 16 surely it's a stern no sleepovers?

She told me the mum shouted at the boyfriend for a whole day because dd couldn’t make it one day and she really wanted to pick her up and have her stay. This made dd feel guilty and I found out she bought the mum flowers.

This is completely bizarre.

OMG! Red flags everywhere!

does your daughter have a trusted ‘aunt’? Someone needs to explain some of these basics to her. The mother clinger is concerning! The manipulation is not acceptable! The kid with mental issues, RUN!

i think it’s totally ok to insist the visits happen at your house AT LEAST!

I’m soooo uncomfortable for you!!

Yeah red flags all over it, as hard as it maybe I think you need a chat with the Mum and put some ground rules in place. Tell her you are not comfortable with her texting your daughter and inviting her to things a year and a half a way, that's just weird! Her son needs to find his own happiness somehow, not rely on your daughter for it. I'm sure it will start WW3 talking to your daughter about it, do you have a husband/partner/her dad who could get involved too? Please do give us an update when you get chance.

You are spot on with what you say she's using their relationship to keep him in check and to make him happy it's emotional blackmail really and your daughter feels obliged to go and guilty if she doesn't.
You need to speak with the mum and I'd definitely bring up the txt message about wanting her to go to make him happy tell her it's too much pressure on her she's 15 she's got school work and you want her not to lose touch with friends and sleepovers aren't allowed you want the best for her and dont want any pregnancy scares.

So there are issues in the boyfriend’s home and your young daughter is being used to paper up the cracks? I wouldn’t be happy with that. I’d have a chat with the mother.

Op this happened to me around the same age! My boyfriends dm was so friendly and treated me more like a friend than a child! I thought it was great until I realised that her son was violent aggressive little thug who was only happy when i spent every waking hour with him! She was basically dumping her responsibilities and her problems onto me to deal with!

Yeah that's not normal.....I think keep the lines of communication open with your DD as best you can and decide on your firm boundaries ie. No sleepovers and stick to them. Explain your reasons for your boundaries with your DD and if necessary after an honest conversation then you can tweak them but once they've been agreed then no bending them. Also set a date for reviewing the boundaries agreed to see if they are still appropriate as their relationship progresses and your DD matures. I'd consider reaching out to the other mum and scope her out over a friendly cuppa before you decide whether to talk to her directly about the issues she's causing

Sounds like she’s using your daughter as ‘therapy’ for a son she’s obviously worried about - if it was my daughter I’d be worried too and be looking at discussing the pros and cons with daughter. However I’d prepare my list first and how I was going to approach the discussion with daughter. Good luck, teen romances are a minefield

I'd be uncomfortable with this as well...it's all very intense, mother and son. She'll be doing all this to serve her son, without thinking about your daughter's autonomy, family or personal growth.
The mum sounds immature and inappropriate.

At 15 the more you put your foot down the more your dd will defy your point of view in favour of her own independence (as she will see it).
It will pass over soon enough as she grows tired of being at their beck and call. She's got to work it out for herself. You'll be there to support her when she does.

I would NOT speak to the mother - it won’t go well - it’s likely to blow up as she is already disregarding your family, and it’s likely to alienate your dd even more.

I would do the opposite and invite the boyfriend over, take him out, embrace his company and be as accepting as you can possibly muster. Hold your boundaries around sleepovers and allowing her to go there too much. Invite him to things. Grit your teeth.

Play the long game op, let her get bored and restless. And let nature take its course. Buy tickets for gigs for her and friends. Encourage girl sleepovers and camping trips with friends. Encourage her to get a job and develop hobbies. Then she will be better prepared when the relationship comes to an end.

It sounds like she thinks your daughter will fix things with her son and she's clinging to this perceived life raft

Well, that's impossible.
How do you suggest the mother goes about making sure they're not having sex?

Anyway, OP.

You need to ensure that your daughter is on reliable contraception. I'd lay bets that she and the boyfriend are having sex.

The mother should not be in touch with your 15year old daughter. You need to speak to the mother and tell her she is not to be in touch with your daughter, especially as she is pressuring her. I'm sorry but it sounds like the mother is grooming your daughter for her son.

I had something a similar with DD (15) and her friend who is home schooled. They'd been friends for a long time and saw each other often but something changed around secondary school age. The mum obviously felt that my DD was the sole answer to her DD's loneliness, plus the two of them spending time together gave her a break. It began slowly but escalated. We alternated lifts to a weekly group, and the mum started bringing my DD back late, initially just a bit late, but it turned into over an hour late every time. This was despite me asking directly for her to be brought back on time. Then the mum started arranging things with my DD without asking me, and I'd end up being the bad guy having to tell my DD she couldn't go as we had family plans. It was very manipulative and my DD was unaware. Definitely step in. The mum should not be texting your DD. Monitor her phone. Invite the boyfriend over to yours, completely minimise her going there. Definitely don't allow sleepovers. Fill your DD's life with other things, things with her friends, fun family stuff, clubs. It will probably end naturally eventually, but she's a child and needs you to protect her.

I don't know if this is the case but this feel a bit of a situation I was in but in reverse. I really think you need to speak to the mum. Unlike your situation, I was keen to speak to the mum and clarify things.

Our situation could have come off exaxtly the same eg as me pushing but the kids were doing all the pushing and I tried my best to accommodate. For example they alwayas came here as dd was never invited snd turns out it was the boy who didnt want dd round their house (it all came out later).

Picking up drop offs we were doing most as the ds said the mum was too busy, often she had offered but the message mever passed on so then i came across as overbearing.

Meltdowns about boyfriend ciming over amd then not coming iver were occasinally because i didnt want them in the house by themselves so had to replan my evenings only to find out last.minute they were not coming after all. I put it down to disorganised teens.

Finally as he was always here and we have a large family, always having big family reunions rtc, he was invited by default and often people mentioned family events and I would say things like 'you can come of course if you fancy it'. Np odea what got back to the parents but could have all sounded too much but it was mainly meant to make the boy feel at ease/included at the time.

It isn't easy with young teens dating. When the other family is univolved the other sometimes.becomes involved for good reasons, I have yet to find a good balance and everyone has different boundaries. Ultimately I feel good communication between the parents is essential.ad you camt rely on teens to tell you what is going on and they are great at manipulating to get what they want.

One other thing to be aware of.
DD was welcomed by her BF's family when they got together at 14. We knew the family and they did absolutely adore her, the Mum had only boys and was delighted to have another female around. The Mum didn't cross boundaries to be fair and it wasn't as intense as the situation you describe.
BUT when DD broke up with her BF age 16 he used his family to put pressure on her - telling her that he couldn't tell his Mum they had broken up because she would be too upset and so she had to pretend they were together. He also arranged an overnight visit to his Grandparents and told her if she wasn't going she had to contact them and explain herself (I did step in on that one)
Her BF was pretty controlling and tried to use his family as a weapon basically.
DD later told me that she would have broken up with her ex earlier but she felt too guilty about his family

If the boy potentially has ADD the Mum possibly has ADHD... She seems hyperfocused on your DD. And it's probably true that her son is only happy when DD is around combined with her enjoying the company of your DD. Invite him to yours more often.

Genuinely sleepovers don't necessarily equal sex. I used to stay at my BFs parents in a separate room. However I agree with those who think his Mum is probably encouraging it. Remember she can be prosecuted if she knowingly lets them or encourages it as it's child abuse.

I suspect you may have to let it run its course. Any comments on your part will only make it easier for this woman to appear in the better light. She needs to see for herself unfortunately. A confidential conversation with the school's DSL about possible grooming and underage sexual activity (these days any sexual activity is illegal before 16, not just intercourse) might be prudent.

Have you thought about contacting the police? I don’t mean to be alarmist but I’d be seriously concerned about this behaviour from the mum and boyfriend - and if the mum is actively encouraging your daughter to stay over in their house I’m getting huge red flags and a big ick feeling - and I suspect maybe it’s not the first time the mum has been involved in this type of behaviour. Listen to your mum instincts here - and maybe try and get your daughter to engage with some ppl who are close to her in age who have had similar experiences to open her eyes a bit. At that age if it’s coming from you she’s more likely to dismiss concerns because you know, parents like to ruin teens lives according to them.

Yeah, I’d nt beleive a bar of that shit, that’s your daughter blaming the mum when it’s her asking to go over, to stay over, blah blah.

Guaranteed this is the daughter and her boyfriend, the mum just doing as asked.