Sending child back to old school - your thoughts?

[CarrieOn83]

Morning,

My daughter is 6 and Y1. She's attended nursery since age 1 and was with the same children throughout.

We live in a rural area so we were always some distance from the nursery and other people. Just how it works round here. When it came to sending her to school, we had the choice of either our catchment school or the village school where most of the nursery lot would go. Both had positives and negatives. We chose the village school and she went along with her nursery friends and spent Reception with them.

Several children were withdrawn from the school because of various very valid and significant concerns. Our daughter included. The head teacher was shipped out but it came too late for those who'd already been moved to a different school.

My daughter was moved to another village school where she had no previous knowledge of the children. The parents at this school have been very closed in terms of supporting growth in friendship. She's a very sociable little girl and had made a very good friend, but this upset the girl who was already friends with that child, so parents went into school and my daughter was discouraged from playing with her new friend. So she found herself playing with another girl who, by all accounts, she's become very close to. We saw them out at a local pub recently and they played together on the park afterwards. I got chatting to the parents, and suggested a play date to which mum said "oh no thank you." I'd mentioned how our children seemed to have hit it off and she gave no response. She spent some time talking about how she thinks her child doesn't really seem to have any friends at school.... while her child had spent most of their meal sitting at our table because they're good friends. Comments she's made over time make me realise she just doesn't want them to be friends for some odd reason.

My daughter is sociable, very bright, she's into performing arts so she's a bit of a character, and generally speaking very good at making friends wherever we go. But she's found herself feeling isolated at the school she started in September. I've had many chats with school and they say she always seems to play with someone if she wants to, but sometimes chooses to play alone. My child says people don't want to play so she does things by herself. For context, she simply is not a child who would choose to play alone if she was welcome to play with others. She loves company. She's a happy little soul and prefers being with others.

The new school is academically fantastic, which the previous school wasn't. It doesn't matter as much at this age, but it will in time. Since moving to the new school she's absolutely flown. They get so many experiences, clubs etc that also didn't happen at the previous school. Previous school has undergone a lot of improvements under new leadership, but I would say is still a way behind the new school.

Daughter still attends parties of some children from old school. She still has those friendships and they are as close as ever. She comes away sad that she won't see them for months because they're not at school together anymore. For months now I've had this nagging feeling that she should just be back at her old school. Academics are less important than friendships in my view, but she's bright so I also don't want her left behind on that front.

Just to be clear, the teaching and learning wasn't the only concern when we and others withdrew our children. Behaviour and bullying was an issue too. But things have improved a lot. The new school has very high expectations for behaviour, to the extent that last week she was kept in at break time because she'd walk too slowly back to the class after PE. She gets anxious that she will be having to go to the head teacher's office and we've definitely noticed a bit more anxiety since she changed school, I'm sure not helped by the fact it's in context of fickle friendships.

To add, the old school feeds the secondary school she will go to. The current school doesn't, but of those in her current class, at least half will actually go to private school, so she'll be one of only about 8 going to state secondary and they will go to different ones. Whereas at the old school, they'll mostly go to the secondary she will go to.

So I'm tearing my hair out. I could send her back, knowing that the old school will probably never offer the same standards as the current school, but does offer the great friendships that are important to her. I could keep her where she is and treat it as learning to build new relationships outside of comfortable friendships. Sending her back means definitely accepting that she won't have the same opportunities and experiences as she has where she is now. We could have kept her where she was in the first place, I don't like change in general, but things were terrible there and the ones who stayed were the ones living very near the school. Two or three that left have also returned.

WWYD?

Thanks in advance.

The new school’s attitude to discipline would have me moving my child tbh. No year 1 should be anxious about being sent to the Head for walking a bit slow ffs! This sort of place is toxic. Academics at primary mean nothing. Other clubs and experiences can be done after school and at weekends. A happy settled child will learn better and be less anxious.
If many of the others kids in the new school are going private for secondary anyway, and yours isn’t, you aren’t ever going to break into that group. They’ve already decided you aren’t good enough.
If there’s room at the old school I would move her back op. Tutors and clubs can be bought in, happiness can’t. Good luck.

Thanks so much for reassuring me that I'm not unreasonable re: the discipline. I've contacted school so many times about it. On one occasion, she was drinking water in the playground and a fly came buzzing round her. She, being the dramatic child she is, jumped and flapped a bit and the water in her mouth came out. She was sent to the head teacher's office for 'spitting' and made to work there. So she fears deviating from the line of goodness.

Just move her back, it's not a big deal, enquire today if they have any places and she could potentially start after half term if not in September.

Academic wise, bright children flourish anywhere particularly if you have the time to support them at home - not with worksheet type work but subject deep dives watching documentaries and going to museums etc.

Friendships at that age are so important and it sounds like it's the parents that aren't welcoming rather than the children so it probably won't change.

Thank you. You're right. She'll often take it upon herself to research things and write little books about what she's found out. I don't have any worries about her doing well now she has all the foundation skills in place.
I think in the back of my mind I wonder if my daughter knows the old school is near, so it's still an option, she misses her friends, so will of course want to go back and everything in the new school is bigger.

Definitely move her back, I watched the anxiety symptoms build up in my own daughter while the school was shrugging its shoulders and insisting everything was fine. A happy kid will succeed anywhere but a miserable kid will spiral.

Move her back. This is the part that got me. What kind of school does this?? Unless your child was causing a problem this is ridiculous.

“She's a very sociable little girl and had made a very good friend, but this upset the girl who was already friends with that child, so parents went into school and my daughter was discouraged from playing with her new friend.”

She wasn't. It was heartbreaking. She was told by her teacher "it's good to have different friends," and to try and play with others instead. She was told she was very much like the other child and maybe needed to play with children who were different to her instead. Anything to keep the complaining parents happy basically. :(

If the old school has definitely improved alot, move her back! The new school sounds incredibly snobbish (parents) and overly disciplinarian (staff) Happiness should always come before academics.

Happiness is so important. Move her back and let her enjoy her childhood.

Happiness and strong mental health are the most important things. If she's already becoming anxious, and you feel that anxiety is definitely linked to the change of school, then I'd move her straight away. No question.

Agree with other PPs, the new school sounds awful & if she's not even going to move up to secondary with any friends she does make, she'll be back to square one at the start of secondary.
Awful that the teacher discouraged her from her new friendship; she should have been encouraging the other children instead.

I'd move her back in a heartbeat. A happy, relaxed child will learn better than an anxious, lonely one.

Sounds like bcos u made friends with the parents yr child hasn’t gained the skills to make their own friends, very common when kids go from nursery to school with mostly the same peers.

Sorry, should have clarified, I wasn't friends with the parents at previous school either. As I said, she's very sociable and makes friends wherever we go

Teacher here - I'd move her back in a heartbeat. The new school might be "better academically" but children learn best when they're happy. Also think the secondary school point v important.

Unquestionably I would move her back to the old school, if enough of your concerns about behaviour and bullying have been addressed.

She is a fish out of water at her new school, which is (possibly snobbishly?) not welcoming.

If all the kids at the new school are set up in established friendships, it can be very hard to intrude on. From year 2 my dd had a group of close friends, and newcomers or changes in friendship groups caused a lot of drama.

I would choose self esteem and sociability over academic prowess every time.

Thanks all.

It's hard for me as I'm never really at the school at school run time due to work. She goes to wraparound care. So I don't feel I've ever really seen her interactions with others beyond parties. I did notice at a recent party she was kind of sidelined, but equally she isn't always invited either and this is a small class where they're still having the whole class parties. It feels a bit weird... like people don't realise she's there.

She's a gregarious character and throws herself into things. So it's been surprising she hasn't been received well, like she has been in the clubs and things she goes to. It sort of feels like the children in the new school aren't full of joy. It's all a bit strange.

Get her out of that toxic environment and take her back to happiness.

Old school definitely. My child's happiness comes before anything else.

Oh please please send her back to her old school. This new school sounds harsh both in discipline and other children/parents. What school actually tells a child they can’t play with someone because another child’s nose has been put out. Insane behaviour.
all the academics and opportunities will pass her by anyway if she has no friends to enjoy it with, no passion to learn because it’s been squashed out by toxic rules such as walking at a specific speed!
her brain will genuinely open up and be flooded with good hormones at the old school being with friends and peers who like her! She will learn better, relax better, feel better.
you know in your heart it’s what you should do but you’re allowing your head to shut it down for the academic side.

Kind of similar but with me I had to change schools due to a house move. My daughter was absolutely thriving socially in her old school and made such good friends. We moved quite a way out so had to inevitably change schools, new school she had some friendship issues almost immediately. The girls were very cliquey and didn’t initially want her joining their group. She’s since made friends but they’re quite fickle and will turn on each other. I so wish I could send her back to the old school, like you most of the kids in her current class will either go private or to grammar schools based on their 11+ entries. Her old school were all local kids, same background or near enough. I’d give up my new house in a heartbeat if we could go back just for the school alone.

Happy children learn more. A child worrying about walking at the right speed or dribbling won't learn. Especially at 5yo!

My daughters both attended a primary school where the main emphasis wasn’t academic it was more about being a well rounded kind person. All through secondary school their primary peers looked out for them despite being in different friendship groups. They have both gone on to achieve excellent qualifications including degrees - at primary age they will learn when they’re ready and it’s easy to continue to encourage this at home if they’re bright.
The discipline at your daughter’s current school sounds ridiculous

I am so sad for your daughter reading your post, it's horrible to be left out and made to feel you don't have friends and to play alone. I was bullied at primary school and therefore hated going, I used to fake illness and my attendance dropped to under 70% but it all went away when I went to secondary away from those people, I deliberately chose a girls school as I was being bullied by boys.

I would ask your daughter what she wants to do personally, I know she may not know all the implications of the decision but at 6 it is so important to be happy at school, more so than than the academic side I think, if the school is on the up then by the time sats etc come round it may be completely different there..... It's a long old day at school to be playing alone and worried you might put a toe out of line and be punished for it, the strictness of the new school sound a bit much and it's not good if causing her to be anxious, it will build a negative relationship with education in the long run.

It sounds as though the new school is an academic one, focused on getting children ready for private school at secondary.
Quite possibly your child was seen as the wrong sort to be making friends with the child whose parents went into school. For no reason other than you live in the wrong village, drive the wrong car, child isn't likely to go to private school next. Parents and schools can be weird places!
I'd move her back to her old school.