WWYD

[EA1]

Just wondering if I’m being unreasonable here or if my partner is the problem. We have 2 children together 18 months and 3 months old. I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship.
Today whilst I was downstairs the 5 yo, snatched from the toddler. I heard my partner saying things like “put that down, never ever touch that again, I’ll just start snatching from you and see how you like it” I came upstairs and he was still going on, I told 5yo to apologise to her little sister and play nicely, he then started getting angry shouting at me telling me to shut up and not get involved and that apologies mean nothing etc etc
he went for a bath then when he came out he still was on the warpath, telling 5yo not to cry like a little baby and saying that I’ll be treated like a child too if I want to act like one and I need to let him discipline the way he wants because toddler will not be treated like that off of anybody. fast forward half an hour and he’s still being moody, told 5yo he’s not interested in what she’s saying to him.
this is just the tip of the iceberg to be honest but surely to get this angry over a child snatching then keep going on about it is extremely over the top?!

Completely over the top, ridiculous and scary. Not acceptable at all. You and he need a serious chat.

Your partner is the problem. In a big way.

He sounds like a bully. Absolutely no chance would I be letting him speak to a 5 year.old, or yourself like that. The fact it carried on for so long as well is just awful. I feel for your 5 year old! I'd be telling him if that ever happens again he'll be out the door.

Now he has his own children your 5 year old is unimportant to him.

She shouldn't have to live in a house where she's a lesser being than her siblings simply because she is unrelated to their father.

Has it always been this way?

This isn't a parenting issue this is a husband issue. Kids do this sort of thing all the time. To have to protect your child from their step father is terrible. You'll need to stand up to him and tell him it's unacceptable to speak to any of your children and yourself like that.

Your poor dd. At 5, she is old enough to know that she is being treated differently.
You need to have a strong word with him, he sounds like an utter knob tbf.

He needs to work on his anger and attend a parenting course. He's not doing either child any favours reacting like that or getting so worked up over such a long period of time over something which is age-appropriate and normal. It shows a real lack of understanding of how to parent young children and he needs to understand the impact of behaving in that way on how the children will bond and respond to him and to others over time.

Please don't allow this to continue for your DD. My ex partner was abusive although I couldn't see it at the time. He was vile to my child that wasn't his, singled him out to pick on him about stupid things like how he held his knife and fork etc. I've apologised profusely to my son and he accepts that it's genuine, however I fully accept that he may need to resolve things with therapy etc if he needs it later on.

I actually think you need to probably leave him if after talking to him nothing changes - your daughter will suffer and be damaged by this behaviour and sadly she will most probably blame you as well. We have to as parents protect them at whatever cost to us as hard as it seems at the time. What a horrible situation for you to get through

So I had to stand up for my girl this morning again which turned into a shouting name calling match (not really from me) I told him I wasn’t giving him a lift to his appointment after speaking to me the way he did and he tried to storm off with my keys, I started filming at this point, he clocked on and forcibly wrestled me to grab my phone and delete the videos though they’re still in my recently deleted. I do now have my keys and have managed to get out to take daughter to school but he says he’ll be there when I get back and he’s not leaving. The 5 and 1 year old were on the couch next to me when this happened and we’re obviously upset. I don’t have the toddler just now she’s at home with his sister and him. Where do I go from here. I put his name on the tenancy this year.

He is going to damage your 5 year old. Please please get rid of this horrible man. All children will take toys, his reaction is disgusting.

Here's what I'd do.

Email the video to a private email address.

Go home. Take him to the appointment. But don't wait around to bring him back.

Take the youngest with you to a family member, friend or someone you trust.

Talk it through and think about whether you want this bully to be in your eldest's life.

If it were me, I'd be making Nolan's to separate.

I’m waiting on housing phoning me to see what rights I have in terms of asking him to leave. He’s made it very clear he won’t leave and I’ll probably have to phone the police

You're doing the right thing. He's showing his true colours. This is the man he really is and you don't want that around your children. Let us know how you get on.

This. He is bullying your 5 year old who snatched a toy as 5 year olds are prone to do instead of just taking the toy and telling your 5 year old it's not nice to snatch. X is playing with this toy now. You can have a turn next. Instead he bullied her keeping on and on about it. Yh honk about it OP what will you do if he continues like this to be mean to your 5 year old?

I’m not allowing it anymore. We are over, I’m waiting on housing phoning to see what rights I have to chuck him out.

Was I out of order to record him? I feel like I knew he wouldn’t leave so I wanted proof of him being a bully. Have I just made it worse?

Not out of order as such but possibly threw oil on the fire but it sounds like a situation that was blowing up either way. In which case on balance it wouldn't be a bad decision to have the evidence. Do take care because a women is generally most at risk from abusive partners when they are trying to leave. Whilst they are compliant and playing along with their demands they can feel less of a need to assert dominance when you are trying to leave they can pile on and it can be risky. My sister's abusive husband only flipped from being verbally abusive and threatening violence to violence when she tried to leave.

He had my car keys in his pocket stopping me from taking my eldest to school so I defo needed proof of his behaviour if he wasn’t leaving or giving me the keys back. In hindsight I wish I’d taken him to the appointment then locked the door, at least I’d have all three children. I have baby anyway as she’s breastfed but he’s got my middle child and says he’s coming back tonight but still not willing to go anywhere. I have checked with my housing association and he is not a joint tenant so I do have the right to ask him to leave. I can’t believe things have gotten so bad so quickly, just on Saturday we were enjoying a family BBQ. There’s just been to many incidents and this has been the straw that broke the camels back. Of course I’m wrong though and a scum bag for trying to blackmail him (I never, just said that I still had the videos because he said he didn’t know what I was talking about) so gaslighting and it’s finest. I’m worried that he’ll try and take the middle child if I try force him to leave

Can you call an emergency locksmith whilst he is out and get the locks changed? Could you get in touch with a domestic violence charity for some advice? Or even try the police non emergency number 101

People like this as well as being abusive are the most charming of individuals. If they showed their true colours all the time they would never get to show their abusive side as they would have no one in their lives. The flip flops between charming and explosive keeps you on egg shells and questioning whether it is you that's at fault or even imagining it.

I would pack an overnight bag with essentials. Absolutely leave your house as a last resort but if you need to keep yourself and children safe do leave for the night. Is there anyone that could take your 5yo tonight whilst it's all unknown.

I’m going to let him come home with my daughter tonight then calmly tell him that he’s not a tenant and I can ask him to leave. He can leave by the end of the week and I’ll not take it any further. If he refuses I’ll phone the police

I also don’t want to separate the children more than necessary as I’m worried that he’ll just refuse to let me have my daughter back

I wouldn't tell himwhen kids are there or at least have someone with you.

I'd ask him to stay with someone a couple days to give you space.

Change the locks, take him off tenancy . Meet him in a public area and tell him it's over. Arrange custody and cm.

I have asked him and been told he’s not going anywhere he’s not leaving his kids. I don’t have anyone that can be there with me just now as they’re on holiday, only my dad really but I don’t want to subject him to anything out of fear it would get physical. He’s getting too old now to stand up for himself, my partner(ex) is very good at cagefighting and has had previous assaults (which are now cleared). I thought he’d changed, I can see now that he still has a nasty rage inside him.