Your high needs baby- how are they now?

[NewMomma21]

Hi there,

I’ve posted before about my very high needs baby. He is now almost 8 months and while things have improved, he is still a lot of work. He is very bright and alert and needs almost constant interaction and stimulation. He will not do any real stints of playing solo, still refuses all tummy time so hasn’t started to crawl so requires a huge amount of 1:1 interaction to keep him entertained. He still cries a lot, mostly out of boredom or frustration. While he does sleep through the night, I am exhausted from the relentlessness of it all alongside looking after his sibling who is 2.5.

For anyone who has had a high needs baby, how are they now? Just looking for some light at the end of the tunnel after a very long week

My high needs baby is 9 years old now. She is great, sleeps through the night and everything! Admittedly it did take her until 22 months to sleep through the night but since then she has actually been a great sleeper. Once she was walking and found her own entertainment so didn’t need us to entertain her (just safety proof!!) things improved. We took the co-sleeping approach and lots of baby wearing which seemed to keep her need for constant stimulation at bay too. And I spent a lot of time in soft play as she got older.

I wouldn’t say her personality has changed at all since she was a high needs baby, but she is bright, doing well at school, a bundle of energy and brings the fun - loves things like rollercoasters and performing so the need for stimulation never really went! I mean I wouldn’t say it has necessarily got easier but it has never been as intense as the first few months, so with a bit of luck you are nearly over the worst.

He’s a tempestuous, high-maintenance 12 year old.

A high needs teen with an ASD diagnosis.

I know of plenty of high needs babies that don't have additional needs and things settle as they get older.

All babies are hard work in my opinion. Yours is only 8 months old and sleeping through the night. I think I'd settle for a high needs day to get a full night of sleep. Neither my high needs or relatively low needs child slept through until they were over 2 years old.

Most 8 months olds don't entertain themselves very well or for more than a moment. He is still very very young. Crawling causes a whole new level of needing to be with them and always watching where they are going. You may find that you no longer need to entertain him, but you will need to watch where he is going and what he's doing. When he's properly walking then places like parks where he can toddle about become much more accessible.

15, on the wait list for an ADHD diagnosis, low boredom threshold, always fiddling, just doing GCSE’s and then on to college to do catering

I had 4 kids and one of the was def a high needs a baby. Didn't sleep through the night until he was 7 years old.

Cried constantly, couldn't play by himself. Honestly if he was my first I would not have had any others. Always being called up by schools as too rough, too naughty.

But he was really popular in school, teachers loved him other kids loved him. The things he did! I can't put them here as they are VERY identifying but let's say even 20 years later his schools mates still reminisce about "stupid" things he did.

Anyway he's a kind, funny and breathtakingly loyal young man who has made an amazing career in the military. Just fits his character so well. Constantly doing something different, plenty of adrenaline highs. He's living his best life. So proud of him!

One of his sibling was diagnosed as an adult as having ADHD and I suspect he has it too.

Not sure if this post is reassuring OP or not! :)

He became a high needs toddler, a high needs child and is now a high needs pre teen. Turned out he had ASD. He has support in school but manages well (and needed no support until Y5 in school). He is still very demanding of attention, but can focus for (far too many) hours on a self chosen activity - he just wants me to admire it every 10 minutes or so now. He has friends, but gets burnt out by them and school, so chooses my company at the weekend on the whole. Needs much more 'management' to stay on top of school than is typical for his age, but is coping well.

The relentless night wakings (10+ per night when small) tailed off by 3, he slept through reliably by 5 years, but has never woken after 6am unless very ill... He's bloody amazing and fills me with delight.

My high needs baby is now 19m and whilst still head strong and stubborn, not so high needs anymore! He laughs and giggles all day long and also makes us laugh! He had quite bad reflux for the first 7m which didn’t help him but improved massively around 8m when he was taking in more solids, dropping milk etc. He learned to walk at 11m and has lots of words now so I think he was frustrated as a baby as well as the reflux. I know it’s super hard and super draining though & you feel like everyone else has sunshine babies! Whilst he doesn’t cry much any more we are starting to tantrum but this is developmental and nothing to do with him being high needs! Hang in there!

id say he became less high needs at 10m, then again at 11m since walking and he continues to amaze me!

Thanks so much for this reply which gives me some hope. DS has reflux and it has improved but still bothers him just to a lesser extent.
On one of our many trips to the GP they said he hates being a baby and will improve when his physical ability is more aligned with his cognitive development and right now he’s just frustrated.
I must admit some of the replies here have frightened me. I’m in the ROI and there are practically no services for children with ASD. I work in this area and I’ve seen what the lack of meaningful services does to children and their families so I’ve found some of the suggestions of ADHD and ASD very worrisome.

I’m afraid to say mine didn’t sleep through until he was nearly 4. He’s diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. He’s a great kid but at 7 still needs constant undivided attention and can’t amuse himself for more than about 40 seconds.

No problem @NewMomma21 he is only 19m but isn’t showing any signs of being additional needs - asd/adhd or otherwise. He’s very social, sleeps through the night mostly (though this is recent for us!), and has circa 50 words which I think is good for his age and he’s on track with all milestones.
my son certainly did seem to be frustrated with being a baby and not being able to explore the world in a way he wants.
he can amuse himself for 15ish mins or so with certain toys/books. Your little one might very well be the same! Certainly walking at 11m was our biggest improvement mood wise. Nursery also have zero concerns with him and actually tell me all the time he’s a very smiley little boy

DS is a great sleeper which I acknowledge is a real positive. I don’t believe he is showing any signs of a developmental issue, he just needs constant entertainment. He is happy when doing whatever his older brother is doing which obviously has massive limitations

Really I can’t thank you enough for this message of hope

Mine is 21 ASD and fabulous graduating from uni this summer having had the time of her life. I love to remind her what a nightmare she was as a baby tho ☺️

I had 2 high needs babies and one not. Of the two high needs one is diagnosed asd.
Both are doing well, pleasant to be around. Had no difficulty with teenage years. One is working full time, saving for a house deposit and putting self through a uni course. The other on track to get grade 7/8s at gcse. I think it's really difficult to say how a high needs child will develop and change. My non high needs baby has been hard work at times (also diagnosed asd) and probably overall the hardest to parent.

Pretty chilled, very clever adult with ASD and dyspraxia diagnosis.

Toddler, nearly two. She’s a delightful toddler, very quick to pick things up and was early to crawl/walk/talk. She doesn’t really play independently but she enjoys “helping”. Still quite sensitive and shy but coming out of her shell. Still a mummy’s girl.

Still needs stimulation, she campaigns loudly to go outside/to the shops/etc but she really enjoys being out and about.

We had a turning point when she could crawl and another with walking. She became so much happier.

My eldest was a high needs baby. 7yo now. She has ASD and ADHD in all likelihood (SENCO is very confident, but a haven't pursued an official diagnosis so far).

She's still the same person. So not always easy in that respect. She's not likely to sit in silence. I can hear her now (I'm upstairs waitingfor DC4 to settle) - she's running a circuit downstairs telling her doll a story. Yes, sheis still the same person she was as a baby. But I would now say she is easy anyway. And very pleasant, and polite and fun to be around. She's also the absolute sweetest big sister to get 3 siblings you could imagine. I don't think a high needs baby is going to have a personality transplant, but what makes them a high needs baby may or may not be something that is difficult in the future. For us, the challenge passed when she was about 3 or 4.

My ‘high needs’ aka difficult colicky refluxy baby, who a paediatric nurse had said was ‘the unhappiest baby she had ever seen’, is now a wonderful mischievous 5 year old who sleeps like a log, gets brilliant school reports and (most of the time) is an absolute joy. She’s happy, confident and generally quite easy.

Edit because it seems relevant, she’s completely NT and extremely sociable. She adores people, isn't particularly clingy and is delighted by the smallest things!

My high needs eldest is now 20, at university and doing well but still high needs in terms of wants my opinion on most things and input and support. She tends to lean on me more than her younger sister and I do try and push back letting her find her own way.
But she's been a joy to parent and is great on a day out and helpful and engaging. I have genuinely loved every stage of her so far

My high needs baby is now 18. She is completely incapable of organising herself or applying herself to study. She’s frequently late for things, forgets things, doesn’t ever read her emails. She flits from one thing to another leaving everything unfinished. She changes her mind frequently. Her bedroom looks like that of a hoarder. But aside from all that, she is an absolutely lovely person. Very funny and engaging and charming with lots of friends. She lights up a room and people want to spend time with her.

She has had an ADHD assessment and is awaiting feedback from that.

My high needs baby is also a 12 year old autistic girl now.

I've been reading about the moro (startle) reflex and its possible relationship to ASD and anxiety. She had a ridiculously sensitive moro reflex as a baby.

Our DS was an absolute nightmare. He was 5 weeks premature which apparently unsettles them and messes up their development stages. Awake every 3 hours so we got next to no sleep as it took over an hour to get him back to sleep, then he'd be awake again, very grumpy all the time. I don't think he slept through the night until he was 6 or 7! He was also a very fussy eater - very limited food/drink that he'd eat, which didn't really get better until he left home to go to Uni! He'd refuse invitations to parties, stopovers etc just because he didn't want to eat "different food". He got far to attached to me and OH, wouldn't ever go "playing" without us and made us stay at play dates etc. He was incapable of sitting quietly or entertaining himself, everything had to involve us or he'd meltdown. Sadly, can't say it was only short term. To varying degrees it continued until he left school at 18! Uni was a nightmare as he wanted to go but didn't want to be "alone" and was very stressed about meeting new people, but he just about got through it, although never made any proper friends and spent most of his time alone in his flat.

What has really changed him was started his first proper full time job in a different city. I think in his heart, he knew he had to change. And, by God, has he changed! He threw himself into work, made loads of new friends, loves his own flat, got his own car, goes to pubs/pub quizzes every week, going on two foreign holidays with his "new" friends this Summer, gets himself to loads of different football matches all over the country, and will now eat absolutely anything and everything! It's been a massive transformation in just a few months!

So, I think there's always hope, but sometimes it takes a lot longer than others!

Mine is about to turn 6. Still High Needs tbh. As my 2.5 yo ages, the difference between the two of them becomes more obvious. 6yo is very intense, and emotional. Everything is a mountain out of a molehill.

BUT it is definitely easier as they get older and more independent. You can explain and reason with them better. You can give them more agency over themselves and their choices, and emphasise that to them.

My high needs child was super shy and anxious and now they are much more confident and friendly and less anxious. They enjoy school and settled in fairly quickly. They seem to be super popular with their peers. They do two extra-curriculars outside of school which they enjoy and build skills at - swimming, and performing arts. They have lots of interests. They love to learn about basically anything. They are far ahead where they are 'expected' to be with reading/phonics and so far still has a love of books and being read to. We can have fun together and do more things together now they are older. They are still a poor eater but they do eat a bigger variety of foods now albeit inconsistently. They will also play by themselves or with the younger one for periods of time instead of just following me around whining or screaming like they used to, so nowadays I can have a cup of tea or do bits of housework or cook dinner without all hell breaking loose.

Just to play devil's advocate, I had two of the easiest babies in the world and they both have ADHD. 🙄

Fabulous!

Now 18, my high needs baby is still very high energy/low boredom threshold. Awaiting adhd assessment. Ultra-sociable and very extroverted. Constantly on the go...currently on a gap year so jumping between paid work, voluntary commitments, a very active social life and frequent travelling, but starting medical school later this year. Highly emotional - intense highs and equally intense but thankfully relatively rare lows. She didn't start sleeping properly until she was around 5 and still needs very little sleep even now. Intelligent, funny, self aware, and deeply compassionate. My favourite person in the entire world.

She was bloody hard work as a baby, but absolutely worth the effort!