Parenting - do you ever feel like you're doing a good job?

[loodledoo]

I'm a Mum to a 16 week old little girl and I'm trying my best to be a good Mum, we read, play, sing, go on outings/ see friends and I chat to her constantly, but every night I seem to go to bed with Mum guilt about not doing more/ being better.

I was just wondering if you ever get to the point as a parent where you feel like you're doing a good job.

I felt like you (16 years ago now). I was greatly reassured by a friend who worked in children's services, who saw neglect and abuse every day, and who kindly pointed out all the positive things I was doing for my children.
They don't need you to be perfect. They need you to love them, feed them, keep them safe and give them opportunities now and then to discover the world.
You need to be kinder to yourself, or you will burn out. You are doing a good job 😊.

This was me, no matter what I did I always felt I wasn't doing a good enough job. I burnt out after three years and was not well for several years after that. Please just know you are doing a great job.

The guilt only increases when you have 2, I spend so much time running after our 1yo that I then feel so guilty about not giving enough quality time to our 6yo. Before DS was born it had got to the point where I felt we were doing a good job with DD though

Agree with@Sunset6 about the guilt with 2. I felt bad for child 1 as he no longer had me to himself, and bad for child 2 as she had never had my undivided attention. I became very depressed.
You have to look at how secure and happy your child is. If the child is safe, smiling, growing, interacting with people and the world around her, you are doing a good job.
Did you work previously in a job that had regular performance reviews? I did, and I found the lack of constant feedback on my parenting "performance" was what I was missing - I had become too dependent on external validation.
Parenting well is simple. If you are a high-achiever, it will feel too easy, and you will think you are not doing a good enough job.
The trick is to let go of the corporate-world baggage, (your child is not your client) and enjoy every moment. And stop worrying about whether you are doing well enough. You are. (If you weren't, you wouldn't be worrying about it.)
Parenting is not a task, it's a relationship.

This is really kind and reassuring. Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry to hear you had such a hard time. I hope you're doing a lot better now. Thank you.

That must be really hard. It's good to know you do get to the point where you feel like you're doing well though. Thank you.

I'm really sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult time. I did, you could be right. Thank you so much.

I agree with Clamfandango - one of the issues for high achievers moving from corporate world to parenting is the switch from 'doing' to 'being'. There is a way to parent with goals and performance measurement and you come across it sometimes - I think it's a miserable way to live.

Better to let go of all of that and think about developing a relationship with this brand new human being which will need to flex and change as they grow. It's actually really creative but you do have to let go of the 'did I support her fine motor skills' mentality not least because you'll never do it all. And as long as you aren't entirely neglecting them, parking them in front of a screen all day they'll pick up all that anyway.

Constantly. When he was a tiny baby and wouldn't stop crying, I felt guilt then, even though I attended to his every need. Now he's 14 months, waking at 430 for the day and I feel guilty about putting the telly on for him as I quietly die on the sofa from the ~childcare illness of the week~.

Although realistically if your baby is fed, comforted, talked to and loved, provided for and played with at appropriate times, you've got nothing to feel guilty for. There are hundreds of thousands of kids raised in abusive and/or neglectful households. You have to do what gets you through. You're still a person too!

I did for the first two years. I actually remember crying that "I broke the baby". Everything that went wrong , and she was the baby /toddler that didn't sleep,eat,talk, was obviously my fault.

Now (12 years on) I think I'm doing ok 90% of the time. I still fuck up and doubt myself sometimes, but the overall "product" is great so I find reassurance in that.

It's hard when you're deep in the trenches to consider that you haven't damaged them for life.

I felt this way with my now 14 year old at that stage. It wasn't until I was visiting my aunt with the baby and she, who worked with neglected children, off handed said how lovely it was to see a baby that was so loved and that she could see the love from how baby responded to the world and others (she talked a lot about baby brain development and interaction with etc) that I started to feel I was doing an okay job.

Honestly, you sound like you are doing amazingly well. Please be kinder to yourself. Your baby will know that they are loved and that is the biggest thing.

If you're worried about whether you're doing a good job, then you're a good mum! Sounds to me like you are doing fine - there's not actually much you 'have' to do beyond common sense. It doesn't matter if you're not stimulating and interacting with your baby constantly. There was no golden age when mums spent all their time with their babies, in fact we spend more time than ever - for a long time babies spent a lot of time in cots and playpens while mums did housework most of the day. You are doing plenty and that's great.

That's an amazing insight. I had 'parenting checklist' that I tried to achieve daily. I think it really helped me and wasn't sad or soulless. It was more of a guide with things like 'look at books, play cuddling games, go out for fresh air and exercise, eat healthy'
It was more a mental list to help me get the best out of each day and the dc would never have known.
I saw it as a positive as it was focussed on the things I'd done or achieved rather than 'I should be doing more'

Don't forget op that you need time for yourself too.

I felt like this for the first few months- but then I settled down a bit (at about 6 months) and then I became confident in my parenting choices and i know i am a good mum. I do still have mum guilt now and again in bed - was i too strict, was i too soft etc but ultimately, i know im a good mum., but I do worry about all sorts of things - that realistically, I can't change.

I don't feel guilt per se as often or as intensely generally as I did in the early days because frankly I have two of them now and lots of other stuff going on in life and I just don't have the time or headspace for as much of it!

I still do dwell on things sometimes though if we've had a particularly bad day or interaction, especially with my eldest who is still a very intense character at 6.

Looking back the only time I felt like a bad mum was when aged 2.5years I was trying to get DD to sleep in her own bed (because that's what you are meant to do isn't it?) and she just wouldn't stay and was crying and clambering on me and I shouted "Just go to sleep" as I was exhausted, and woke up to find she had an oozing ear and a bad ear infection.

From that point on I decided to follow my instincts, ignore the 'experts' and do my own thing, I was so desperate as a youngish (20s) single parent to do as everyone else did to prove that I could. It was around the same time I read 'Bringing Up Baby's by Daisy Goodwin, which isn't really a parenting book but more a look of parenting trends and recommendations and what was going on politically and socially at that time and how they are intertwined.

DD continued cosleeping until she was 10 then one night during COVID decided enough was enough and started sleeping in her bed, it also turns out she's autistic and cosleeping is quite normal.

Baby's need very little if you provide for her physical needs, some social interaction and bring her up in a loving and caring home with some opportunities to try new things and follow her interests as she grows then thats enough. Ironically by trying to do too much you end up as a worse parent as you become stressed and baby's don't need stressed parents.

This is a really good point. Maybe I just need to change the way I'm looking at it! Thank you.

It's good to know I'm not alone. Hopefully we can both cut ourselves some slack and feel like we're doing a good job at some point soon!

It's good to know it does get better! Thank you.

That must have been so lovely to hear. Thank you, that's really kind.

Thank you, that's a lovely thing to say and that's really reassuring.

@AstralSpace I have similar, just a mental checklist to make sure I've done enough with her over the day! Thank you - I am working on having a bit of time for me too but I feel like it's a bit all consuming at this stage, but I figure I'll have time for myself again at some point!

Yes I think I’m a good mum. I give 90% every day, I would say, and that’s enough. I work hard to keep the house clean and tidy, they have healthy meals, plenty of fresh air, we read to them every day, I’m interested in DD’s day at school and we have lots of chats/cuddles. We haven’t fallen back on tablets but the oldest (5) does watch CBeebies, half an hour over the course of the day perhaps, which I think is ok. Sometimes it’s none. The 1 year old has no screen time.

I probably fall down when it comes to playing with them. I do, but I’m not really a natural at it, so often leave that to DP or I arrange play dates.

But if that’s my biggest crime then I’m doing pretty well.

That's really good to know, thank you. I'm mindful that my little girl is still really young so my confidence as a mum will probably grow over time too.