Work PT and be SAHM vs work FT as sole earner

[Mamasharp97]

my LO will be 6-7 months when I return to work. We planned for me to work 2.5 days a week for a little bit of money and being a SAHM for the rest of the week, my husband would work 4.5 days a week.

My head of department is leaving and I stand a good chance as an in-house hire.
I’d work 5 days a week for substantial amount more workload but 3x our combined income and my husband could be a SAHD.

I just really would love some advice or your personal experiences working full time.

I don’t want to go for the FT job due to feeling like I’m going to miss out on everything in her formative years (she’s 3 months now). I miss her already and I haven’t even got the job yet. But financially I feel like I have to, and she’ll still get to be with her dad every day. I feel like it’d be selfish if I don’t go for it. Just looking for your experiences to help me decide. Right now it just all feels completely crippling.

I just can’t stop crying at the moment, I just thought I’d be going part time and spending my days with her as she grows up, then go back to full time when she’s bigger.

Cons

• miss out on most of my daughters pre-school days
• miss her firsts (walking, words, etc)
• huge amount of extra work
• much more stress

Pros

• can provide more for her financially
• can spend more money during the holidays on making memories

Am I being dramatic because I’m only 14 weeks post partum? Or is this the reality of being a mum?

They are only young once !! I get that this sounds like an amazing opportunity but on your deathbed you won’t be thinking of your amazing job opportunities you will be thinking about your kids and family. So if you can afford to I would go part time and stay home the other days

especially if you are crying already poor love

just make sure your DH understands on the weekend and evenings chores and parenting is 50/50

I’d take the job especially as your DH can be at home with her
it’s an amazing opportunity and I’d try it for a year
working at senior levels boosts your pension, skills, fulfilment and for lots of women they enjoy their careers and the satisfaction they get from working outside the home
what does your DH think?

I'd go for the job, the company of toddlers is definitely overrated!

It's one thing when there cute but hungry babies, quite another when they're refusing a nappy change with the angry crocodile roll, removing their own nappy because you dared to go to the toilet yourself and angry because the bread was too big and once cut, broken and how dare you not have 10 of their favourite cup but they want the one that they just going on the floor that is different only to their eyes...

You get enough of that on a weekend...

Plus they go to school/nursery so you don't actually miss much time with them other than the irrational tyrant years!

I’d go for the job. It’s an amazing opportunity, you’ll financially be better and she gets to stay home with her dad so no childcare costs. You’ll get the holidays off which will be great as your DH will be off too so you have the opportunity to have loads of family time, which is quite unusual.

I definitely wouldn't take it. in ten years you won't miss the money you never had but you would miss knowing you missed out on spending their formative years with them. realistically if it's a 9-5 you may see her for an hour or two before work and then maybe an hour or so after work so in 24 hours that's only 2-3 hours with her. Trust me it will bother you!

I went back full time after 12 months off with my first, got promoted to senior manager level a bit later. Now on second maternity leave and will go back full time after my second also. Currently discussing paths to director level with my boss. Getting this much support from my company despite two mat leaves is great.

I never felt I missed out on anything with my first, still got to spend plenty of time with him and he had a wonderful childminder and daddy Fridays as husband dropped to 4 days.

We're able to save substantially for both kids, we're financially secure (importance of which cannot be underestimated as my husband had a stroke 4 months ago and is still on sick leave), my career is progressing and my pension is very healthy. Zero regrets.

My job has its stresses, but I work 4 days remotely and I find that the more senior you get, the more you can dictate your own working hours - e.g. I have always had pick up and drop off times blocked off in my diary, attended special events etc. As long as I get my work done and am available during core hours, no one really cares.

I'm not sure which I would do.

They are both good, valid choices.

I'd take the job if your DH is able to be at home with her, maybe different if she'd be in full time childcare but will be nice knowing you don't have the stress of nursery/childminder runs etc as he'll take care of it.
I would say it depends how keen on 'running' household tasks he is.
Maybe invest in a cleaner or whatever to give you more quality time on the evening/weekend with DD

I went back to work full time when my first child was 10 months old. I did like going back to work at first - I got a promotion and enjoyed the adult company as most of my mat leave was spent during COVID restrictions/lockdowns.

But, I did really start to feel like I was missing out by only seeing my son for such a short time during the week. I decided to be a SAHM after my second baby was born and I don't regret it at all. My eldest is nearly 4 and my youngest just turned 2, must admit I enjoy the toddler/preschool age much more than the baby stage so I'm glad I've got to spend more time with them before they start school.

It's a difficult decision though. Personally I feel that I can find more job opportunities in the future, but I won't be able to get this time back with my kids.

I went back at 8m and my husband took over doing shared parental. Best decision of our lives. I didn’t miss out on first words etc (it really is a gradual thing like most developmental stages), my husband is completely competent and we completely share the household/childcare/mental load. I got promoted when I went back. We can afford a cleaner so we don’t do any cleaning and can afford fun holidays and trips out. We have quality time together at the weekend and in the evenings.

Just look at the thread on here where men who have never had sole charge of the child are incompetent, lazy, and their wives have often left them over it!!

My parents made the decision to both work full time once I was at primary. My younger siblings were in nursery. They absolutely loved being in nursery and gained loads of confidence from it. We still saw loads of our parents. They were better off financially as a result which gave us more opportunities and meant they were better off later on in life.

It doesn't matter what decision you make, you will get it right either way.

I think a big question is what would your husband be like as a sahd? Will you still need to do most of the home heavy lifting or is he good for that?
If he's dependable I would go back. I went part time and still missed the firsts plus was constantly running from work to pick up to home tasks and my days off werent what I expected.
A friend of mine was in a similar situation but she was able to WFH 2/3 days and so still went down to have lunch with the baby and her partner and less stressed morning etc

Take the job!
there is more to parenting than the early years. It’s not even the most enjoyable bit. Earn money and provide for her.

Difficult one - if a man passed over promotion which would hugely financially benefit the family then there would likely be uproar.... but as someone who was the main earner the stress and pressure is immense. Especially if the STAHD doesn't do all the housework stuff that you would do and you end up putting in a. Second shift when you get home - the resentment can just build and build.
Also in a divorce / I appreciate massively worst case here - he'd be considered the "main" parent as it were

Contrary to most here it seems, I would definitely want to stick to part time and spend as much time as possible with little one.

But that's just me - everyone is different, and both choices are good choices. Each has pros and cons, but both are good.

Key point to consider for me would be whether your husband is going to pull his weight as a SAHP,or are you going to end up with all the mental load and housework when you come home from working what sounds like a high pressure role?

I don’t know where you would come out on this. But have you considered trying to work out which way you will have more quality time with you LO? I don’t have to work, we can afford for me not to but being a SAHM isn’t something that would bring out the best in me. I would get overwhelmed and angry and everything would just be a bit crap. But everyday when I pick him up from nursery is time for us together and it’s fun, joyful and good. And I treasure those moments in a way that I’m not sure that I would if I was doing all day everyday.

I wouldn't take it, the prospect is making you miserable already! Could you job share with another candidate and do it part time? If not, why not just leave it for now and apply when your babies are older, either at your current place or elsewhere

In your shoes I think I'd take it. DH would have never wanted to be a SAHD so I wouldn't have had the same choices, and we both went back to work FT when DS was 7.5 months. It was fine, still saw him plenty, had quality time at weekends together etc.

This isn't true though. It is quality time that matters and you can have quality time working full time.

People might look back on their death bed and wish they had achieved more, for example, so I don't think this holds true for some?

I worked ft for my first three children. You honestly won’t miss out on as much as you think- you’ve weekends (2 days a week!!) days off and evenings. I’d assume given the type of job it sounds like that you’ll get a decent amount off for Christmas. My only advice is to be organised arranging days off in advance for eg birthdays. Honestly op you’ll be fine! Best of luck!!!

My experience is that being more senior in an organisation as a working mother gave me significant more flexibility in my work, it allowed me to give others similar flexibility both women and men.

But as someone has said up thread, I didn't particularly enjoy a lot of time at home with my very small children. They got the best of me as a parent who didn't do the endless, repetitive tasks, and outsourced as much house admin as possible so my weekends were spent with them and my husband as quality time. Even over a working week, you still do bed and bath times, stories and everything obviously on weekends. It gave us as a family more financial flexibility and the ability to have quality, trained and loving childcare much more suited to long days with small children than I am.

If it's upsetting you that much now I would be pragmatic. For one, you are probably exhausted and hormonal. Secondly you might not even get the job. Only you know whether the job [even on a FT basis] will be family friendly or if you work in the sort of organisation that expects ludicrous working hours and presenteeism. I would talk to your departing Head of, and ask her for feedback on her role and get her thoughts on her reasons to leave and what she has enjoyed about her role. Then decide.

Thanks all for your replies - the biggest issue is that I’d be the only one missing out. My husband would be incredible as a SAHD, he is already more on top of housework than me and she (my daughter) would be just as enriched with him all day. so I just feel it would be so selfish of me not to go for it. My husband is willing to work 2 jobs so I can stay home 4 days a week if he needed to (luckily he doesn’t) so i feel like I owe it to them both to do it even if I end up miserable. And it’s awful to say but I don’t want her to see me as the other parent

Hang on - so the plan was for your DH to work almost twice as much as you - and this was OK with both of you?
I think you need to work out as a family what is best.
Most often it's the man who works full time so the woman can be a SAHP and no one encourages the man to work part time

If I had had job prospects like that back when I 1st had kids I would have chosen the job.
Now after being a sahm for over a decade I would choose to be home. I only worked PT with our 1st but I missed a lot of her 1st times when at work, our bond is not the same as it is with the ones I was a sahm to. Children grow up so fast, being there is more important than luxuries imo.

If she'd get to be with her Dad every day, and he is attentive and caring, then I'd jump at the chance have her spend more time out of paid care.