Is it normal to feel like this?

[thecowjumpedoverthemoon7]

Hi! I've not really posted on here before but I just wanted to know your advice/opinions.
My DD is 7 months old.
DH works long 12+ hour night shifts.
Basically I'm finding things a little difficult and just wanted to know if this is normal, if there's light at the end of the tunnel or what 🤦‍♀️
I'm a FTM and as DH works nights and isn't around during the day as he sleeps so I do most things house and parenting wise.
When he gets home from work, he either gives DD her breakfast or occupies her so I can get showered/dressed or make myself breakfast/lunch, and do general chores. This is only for an hour or so though as he has soon has to go to bed (long shifts)
DD doesn't sleep well and wakes several times during the night. She naps for about 30-60 mins in the day- during nap times I either do housework, grab a bite to eat or prepare her food, or we are out on a walk/shopping.
I'm really finding it hard to find time for myself. I feel like my life is just a constant rush to get things done in the time DH has her or whilst she naps. At night I try and get some sleep where I can- last night I managed to get about 3/4 hours. I am absolutely exhausted, I've not been well the past couple of weeks and now I have a cold sore 😩 I just feel so run down.
A few people have asked why DH doesn't help when he's off work- he does but of course her being awake also means it wakes me and I feel like I can't sleep until I know she's settled.
I went back to work when she was 10 weeks old and work two evenings a week for a couple of hours whilst my parents have her (high mortgage repayments due to interest rates) but I'm going to be increasing my hours as from September- 2 full days in addition to this. I'm worried I'm not going to be able to manage and burn out. Please tell me it gets easier 😩

Well, yes, it is difficult to find time for yourself as parents, when you both work and you have a baby. That does sort of go with the territory.
I think it is unusual to 'wake several times during the night'.
That must be a killer, and I think that is what you need to try and resolve. It's a long time since mine were babies, and none of them ever "woke several times a night" so hopefully someone who has resolved that will be along soon with some advice.

However, your dh needs to pull his weight too.
I appreciate 12 hour night shifts are long, and that he needs some sleep during the day, but unless he has a really, really long commute on top, he needs to be putting in more than 1 hour's parenting in 24 hours. Surely he could get up after 7 hours and give you 2 - 3 hours respite to go to bed yourself.
Presumably he also gets days off, too ?

Oh wow that is shit!! Sorry.

get hubby on days, everything will improve.

You BOTH have a child. You BOTH need to parent.

My little one is 7 months old and still wakes multiple times a night. He’s my third and they all did. I am also realty knackered and emotionally low. So yes, very normal as far as I can see. I think you’ve got a few factors making it harder - you’re back at work very early which is tough, but as you say, unavoidable and your husband is on nights which is putting more strain on you and is probably a bit lonely too.

I think I agree with a previous poster about you both having a proper reassessment about shift patterns and whether what used to work pre-baby is still good for the whole family. I know nights pay better so might not be possible to swap though.

Also, have a chat with your health visitor about sleep. Mine were really helpful with me and the second baby at about 7/8 months when I felt I was becoming unwell with lack of sleep. I couldn’t think straight. For us getting better daytime naps helped improve night sleep and it sounds like 30/60 minute naps are quite short. Maybe two longer naps might be better if you can get that to work.

It’s also hard because they’re weaning and that’s very draining. Again, look at what you’re doing here and see if you can make it less effort in any way. They do get better at eating rapidly and the tidying up and cleaning all seems less hard work. With my first I did lots of special prep and with my third he just gets what we’re having and it’s much more manageable with no noticeable difference in how well they’re putting on weight.

So yes, normal to feel exhausted and slightly depressed at this point, in my experience, but try to find some solutions because things can and do get better soon.

I think it’s pretty normal, it does get better but having children is hard bloody work. Our DD was a pretty bad sleeper for a long time.
My DH got up with DD but I still woke up and I couldn’t get back to sleep so it didn’t help.

Does your dh do 5 shifts or 3? 60 hours would be a lot. What does he do on his days off. I would hate to be there all day with a baby and my dh in bed and then all night on my own. I think night work is not family friendly. Where is the time for fun? For couple time etc? You definitely have a difficult situation. And in my experience night work affects mood/ sleep even on days off.
As said already radical changes will need to be made around this shift work as its not sustainable. Its good you have your parents nearby.
For now as you are recovering from sickness could your parents take him even for one afternoon so you could actually rest or meet a friend or do something nice for yourself? If your dh has two days off in a row could you leave baby with him and sleep at your dps just for one night to get a decent sleep. Or could you move there for a few days and your dps take him in the morning to let you sleep on.

It was pretty much how you describe when DD was small and my DH was working nights. It's freaking hard but it will get better. For me once DD started taking 1h-2h naps I could fall asleep too and we would nap together so I had enough energy to get through the day. When she did only 30mins I used YouTube videos to speed up me falling asleep so I could get some minutes of sleep. I would batch cook so I didn't have to use her nap time for that. I cleaned the house once a week when DH was with DD. What really helped me was that in the mornings I had 30min-1h nap by myself before DH went to bed. I washed my hair whenever DH was awake for a short period during the day. Or at weekends when he didn't have to go to bed so fast after his last shift. It's a struggle as night shifts are more disruptive than days and for me it was maximin any chance for sleep I had during the day.

Why dont you do chores with her when she is awake? Why are you wasting her nap time doing chores instead of putting your feet up?

How many shifts a week is DH doing?

This sounds really tough OP. It's hard when you're both working and the baby isn't sleeping well, even harder as he's working nights. What about weekends - are things easier then? Hopefully she will start to sleep better soon and things will get easier. It's normal for a 7mo to be waking in the night, but 3/4 hours is not much - surely she must be asleep for longer than that?

Yes it's normal, I'm afraid. I remember when mine were that age I was so exhausted and run down. I was constantly ill because I was so run down. I have to say I really didn't enjoy the baby stage!
It does get so much easier. Mine both slept through from about 12/13 months which transformed my life! I felt like a different person. Also despite the toddler tantrums I found parenting much more enjoyable when they were toddlers. We had lovely conversations and could do nice things together. Once they're at pre-school/school it's sooo much easier.

This sounds tough. I think you would get more free time if you try and get your baby into a better routine of napping during the day. At 7 months, your baby should be having 2.5-3 sleep during the day. Mine used to have a 30-45mon nap during the morning ( I used to wake them after 45 mins) and they then napped for a couple of hours after lunch (1pm-3pm). Sticking to the routine actually made everything easier and you know why your baby is crying. They also settled much quicker and a night and the majority of the time slept though.
if your baby is overtired they won’t sleep well at all x

You really think geting DH on "days would help??
The man is working 12 hour shits and I can safely assume it takes an hour to get there and hour back which makes it 14 hours easy. Then he needed to have a bath/shower and eat

What DH needs to do and OP must have discussed the work-side of another baby is cutting back on the hours if that is feasible

It's doesn't, you just get better at dealing with it all!
You're still getting used to life with a new baby, don't be so hard on yourself. Take care xx

its not to everyone idea but I think some sleep training really might work that doesn’t mean you leave her to cry.

but if you had a stronger routine she would possibly be having a solid 2-3 hrs nap in the day

also your partner can’t work every night there must be a day or two his off where he can look after her for a morning so you can go and do something

maybe have a little look at your routine and see what ways you could change things
maybe your husband puts the washing on when he gets in. you probably need to think outside the box

A few things: (1) realistically, you may need to lower your standards. I'd let the housework slide a bit. You can live with a degree of filth if you are coping with life. I didn't really do much tidying up during the day. I used naps to sit down and relax. If I needed to say, load the dishwasher or put washing on, baby went in a sling or on a mat on the floor next to me.

(2) go to bed when the baby does. Really, you will get back to having evenings again, but for now, if you're burn out, go to sleep as soon as you can. Like, baby asleep at 7:30 and you right next to them asleep too for the night.

(3) your dh must be around some days, and can't possibly work 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. On his days, he takes the lead and you get to rest and re-charge. It means he doesn't miss out on all the quality time because he's at work. You sleep. You go for a coffee and read a book. Meet friends for lunch. Even if he has to push baby around in the pushchair outside in between feeds while you do this.

(4) Also, I would not see going back to work as making things harder. Honestly, life was easier when I was back to work. I got time to myself again. I got to eat regular meals during the day. Drink coffee while it was still hot. It was definitely a relief and a real improvement in my mental health.

(5) do get your vitamin levels checked. I was feeling exhausted around that time too and really run down. It turns out I was vitamin D deficient.

When does your husband have a day off? You haven't given enough info. Is he working nights 7 days a week?

It does get easier. With my first, I remember this realisation around the time they turned 1, that I knew what I was doing, I trusted my instincts and I actually felt confident. It’s amazing how much energy is used on worrying and second guessing, googling everything and it’s feels better once you get past that. All the same, you seek to have a particularly tough situation with the shifts etc.

Theres lots of good advice here about sleep (do talk to your HV), doing chores while the baby is awake, dropping your expectations etc. I would add - get yourself some good earplugs so you can sleep properly when DH has your DD (I use a brand called Quies, really good and comfortable to sleep in) or make use of white noise yourself to drown them out.

Few thoughts … you guys need to plan your time together. Appreciate he is tired when he gets in but what about before he goes to work again?
more not sleeping through the night - does she wake to feed? My son used to so I had to change his feeding routine to get him full before bed then he would sleep longer.
re going back to work … working is a different tired, I found it less stressful when I was back at work and we had to get a new routine where we both took on responsibility instead of feeling it was all on me as I was home.

The tiredness is normal. Thinfs will get better when she is a littlr older and you can get a nursery place and they can do a few things thrmselves. The first years were the hardest for me too, we had very little help and both worked. It was so hard but gets so mcuh easier once you can get nursery places and they can eat normal food and use the toilet.

It sounds normal. I went back to work full time when my daughter was six months old. She will be ten soon and I'm still knackered. I keep hoping it will get easier. To some extent it has as she sleeps through the night and can get herself snacks, etc so it is not as full on as the baby and toddler years but it is still tiring.

Yes it is normal and does gradually get better. Do you have other friends with babies same age? It makes a huge difference if you can all discuss how awful you feel together so do join some baby groups if you don’t. It can be so hard to even get out of the house when you are so tired but you will feel better for it! Your baby will also likely get more tired and stimulated and sleep better!

I do think you need to be honest with your partner and ask for more help if you need it, I get it that a 12 hour shift needs lots of sleep during the day but surely not the entire time he is at home. How is he bonding with baby? You are a team on this and you need to look after your mental health. I sadly speak from experience on this and know how hard it can be.

As others have said, lower your standards - try not to worry about imperfect levels of cleanliness, imperfect methods of weaning, napping longer sometimes than others. Get some relaxing baths in,( put up baby gate and leave door open to bathroom so baby contained if crawling), ask for people to step in and help with cleaning/cooking/looking after baby. Just be honest and speak to your doctor too. They have seen this a zillion times before and it does get easier. You will hopefully enjoy the 2 days at work more than you think. I definitely loved having more and more time at work when my baby was 6 months plus. I too went back to work a bit when my baby was about 4 months but I was seriously unwell first so please take care of yourself. Xxxx

Waking several times a night is still perfectly normal for a 7 month old baby, especially if breastfeeding. Night weaning is expected from about 1 year old.

"Time for myself" doesn't really feature in being a parent I am afraid - this is it!

I’m sorry you are struggling OP. I do understand as I have gone back to work after a few weeks with each of my children and I was a single parent when my first DC was born, so it was all down to me 24/7.

lots of useful suggestions above but the thing that stands out to me as something I could suggest that would help is reframing how you think about your days. Because I had no one to take the baby for me, everything had to be done with the baby, getting things done and having time to myself both always happened with the baby there. What I would suggest is turning it around as your post suggests you feel you can only do those things when you are not also looking after your baby.

For example, I would take the baby into the shower with me most days. I had an over bath shower and I would sit the baby in the bath seat in the bath, first newborn seat then the bigger plastic ones. Sometimes I would put the plug into the bath so the water built up and the baby would splash and play, then I’d give them a rinse off afterward. Or we’d have a full bath together and snuggle or splash. All housework and jobs and shopping were done with the baby on me, usually in the baby carrier but also had one of those clamshell seats that clasps onto surfaces so I could move them around the house. They were stirring cooking/baking mix pots as soon as they could grasp a spoon, “helping” with everything or just observing whilst I did things. I had a toddler washing line with little pegs. My oldest loved to spray and wipe by 18 months and middle was obsessed with mopping by age 2!

On more relaxing notes, I got lots of time when I wasn’t working to do things I wanted to do with the baby. I’d meet friends, we’d go hiking and have a picnic, we spent loads of time in art galleries and museums, the cinema, long walks, the petting zoo place, I was doing art workshops and sculpture classes with baby with me, I went to festivals and we went on holidays and camping. Things like swimming and the gym are not the same with baby with you, no, but we would get decent hikes up decent hills for exercise and headspace and spent time with so many friends and family. And there are always ways, like going wild swimming with some friends and having one person watch the kids on the shore for a while then trading, then taking the babies for a paddle. It’s coming up to summer, and it’s a lovely time when your baby is ready to explore and they really enjoy the simple things. By this autumn you can take them out nature spotting or blackberry picking, by winter they’ll be suited and booted to go out puddle jumping or looking for Christmas lights or to play in the snow. Lots of time to do things you like amongst all of that. It’s ok to know that time for you is not the same as time away from your baby

I can identify with this feeling. Its so hard. For me everything came to a head when my 2nd was about a year and a bit old and I ended up on anti anxiety meds for a while. Off them now and feel a lot better. Things have got easier as he has got older. Also work might add more pressure or it might give you a bit of space to not be in full mum mode all the time.