Being summoned by the school to discuss bad behaviour

[Izzy1290]

My son aged 9 has had a few incidents over the years where he's lashed out physically against another child at school. A couple of incidents have been in the last couple of weeks and I've now been asked to come in for a discussion with the head teacher. My son is definitely a reactive child at times so I don't want to make excuses for him, but my natural instinct is to feel a bit defensive. For whatever reason he isn't flourishing at this school in the way he should be. And there is certainly one teacher who seems to be on his back more than any others have been.
I do want to work with the school to help him manage his behaviour so he doesn't lash out. But I'm worried the school has in some way already decided he is of 'bad' character, and as a parent that's heart breaking.
How do I prepare for this meeting? How can I make sure I don't come across as defensive while also wanting the school to give him another fair chance? It's hard to feel that I'm not on trial myself, in the tone used by the school.
I appreciate any advice.

Hi OP, I understand that defensiveness is a really natural reaction in these circumstances, but try and leave it behind if you can as it isn't very helpful. The best thing is to try hard not to see it as them and us - you and the school on opposite sides - and instead go in with the approach that you're all on the same team, working together to improve things for your child. Can you think of any particular adjustments or support that would help him?

You do sound like you’re making excuses TBH. Lashing out isn’t ok. He needs to be taught different ways of dealing with his feelings.
If he’s not happy at the school that’s a separate issue.
How have you tackled his behaviour so far?

Is he lashing out just against one particular child? Is there a bigger issue?

As a parent of a child who has been attacked on numerous occasions by a 'reactive' boy in her class I would strongly suggest you deal with the fact you have a son who is using violence to resolve issues. Going in with a defensive attitude isn't going to resolve anything.

The school hasn't decided he's of bad character. They, and the children and other parents in turn that are affected by his behaviour, are just dealing with the situation that they're presented with.

Reframe the meeting, drop your ego, collaborate with them in order to get your son the support he clearly needs.

We use the phrase "all behaviour is communication" sometimes. Not as an excuse for poor behaviour, but to remind ourselves that getting to the root of why this is happening is key. What are the triggers or situations where this is happening? Ask school how they are planning to manage these tricky behaviours? Ask if they are planning to get any external support - often they will have access to behaviour support teams from their LA or MAT.

One way to do this is using ABC - have a read of this (I find people respond better to NHS links but ignore the stuff on medication etc - this is part of their learning disability team!)

https://www.kentcht.nhs.uk/service/community-learning-disability-team/the-hop/my-behaviour/#abc

But above all - remember that you are all trying to achieve the same goal - stopping the behaviour and enabling learning to happen. They have to manage all the children involved but you are focussed on your child. Different perspectives maybe but aiming for the same thing.

Op, your defensiveness is clear to see, even in your short op you can see you’re looking ti make excuses.

your child is violent. You need to ask the school to help in terms of how to manage his behaviour so he doesn’t use violence, if it is something you struggle with. Work with them. Not against them, for your sons sake or they will ultimately expel, if it continues and he will be in a PRU and his future limited.

Your kid is being violent to other children.

If your child was the victim of violence in his class, I’m sure you’d want those parents to go and meet the staff about it. You’d want there to be a plan to handle these behaviours. Yes, it’s not a nice conversation to have to have but it needs to be done.

Try to go in with an open mind OP and as many others have suggested, it's about working with the school for the best interests of your child. It's not a them and us situation.

As a parent it would be useful to have context around these lashing out episodes.

Is it one particular child or several?

Is there a particular trigger?
What coping strategies has your child got in his repertoire to deal with these feelings?
Is he remorseful afterwards or does he feel aggrieved?
Lots to unpick really but by visiting the school you can start to get to the bottom of why he is reacting in this way. The real problem of course is that there will always be people around us when we are children and adults who push our buttons and wind us up. It's pretty much impossible to deal with other people and how they behave - we can only do something about how we react. Most children and adults learn not to react physically. I think it's good that the school are taking steps to get support for your son. He is your baby so of course you'll feel defensive but listen to what they have to say. At 9 years old your son is getting close to the criminal age of responsibility so it's really important he learns how to deal with these emotions now while there is still lots of support around to help him.

Is her perhaps ND?
Was he always impulsive or struggle woth any sensory issues etc.

otoh some kids struggle with teasing or rough and tumble but then boundaries

The school wants you in to support you and your son. Work with them, not against them.

So your son is physically harming other children, and you are looking for excuses and teachers to blame? Strange times we are living in....

She’s not looking for excuses - she’s feeling protective of her DS, and clearly on edge because getting a strongly worded letter from the school is always going to make you feel a bit defensive 🙄

OP - as others have said, go in with an open mind, be honest, and try to frame it in your mind as the school trying to support you all rather than them blaming you.

You could ask does the school have any outside support that comes in to work with parents and children who might have behavioural issues.

Ask if school have noticed if anything specific is triggering the incidents, maybe share if you’ve noticed similar at home?

Are there any small changes school could implement to help when they notice DS becoming reactive?

If you have concerns that a teacher is treating DS unfairly, you should absolutely raise this, but try to make sure you’re sticking to facts without bringing too much emotion into it.

Obviously it's not a pleasant situation to be in, but try and think of this as a way to hopefully resolve the difficulties your son has before he hits his teens or even pre teen years.
He's not a small child, but he's still a little boy, and you have time to turn this around. Personally I believe that's there's always time, but as the years pass, and issues aren't addressed, then it becomes increasingly more difficult.

You don't seem surprised, because you call your son "reactive". This implies that this trait isn't confined to school. You need to take steps to show that this is not an acceptable way to express anger and frustration at a situation.

I have been in this position - focus together on what causes the behaviour and work with the school to head off it happening and to teach your child how to deal with it without lashing out if it does.

I agree the ABC chart is really good.

Asking advice for techniques is also helpful.

You will want to be consistent at home and school so that's worth discussing.

The school isn't about labelling children but creating an environment where they can all thrive.

Thanks for replying and it’s fair to push on the reality check. I feel pretty sad and vulnerable so I’m not trying to make excuses but just somewhat at a loss. We’ve tried many approaches, including working with a psychologist in the past and self management techniques. The behaviour is sporadic rather than a consistent feature.

I don’t think they’ve necessarily judged his character, but they’ve definitely decided that his behaviour cannot go on. I do this all the time at least three or four times a week and I think you’re reading too much into the schools motives.

Why do you feel vulnerable? It does feel like you’re trying to justify both your behaviour.

i understand you’ve tried things before, so there is clearly much more going on if you’ve even taken him to a psychologist. No one does that for a couple of bouts of violence and he is only 9.

its obvious you need help. So speak to the school and see what help is available.

is there something going on at home? New partners, is his father with you, new siblings? What’s caused you to take him to a psychologist?

Thanks, that’s one of the more empathetic and helpful replies. It’s not a nice situation. We have tried many things.

'My son aged 9 has had a few incidents over the years where he's lashed out physically against another child at school. '

I am surprised that the school has taken so long to speak to you and that other parents have not complained...

There is a repeat pattern of aggression and it needs to be addressed before he really hurts someone.

You need to listen to what they have to say and try to find solutions to help your son with them.

What do you think is at the root of this behaviour? Do you think he has any additional needs? Has his home life always been stable?

Hindsight is 20/20 but why didn't you deal with this after the first instance. Violence is never ok, don't make excuses. Go in with an attitude of how do we stop this

It’s happened a few occasions this school year and tends to occur with certain children more than others. So it’s bigger than with just one child but also often enough that I know we need to act

How would you feel if your child was on the receiving end of the 'lashing out'? There are loads of posts on MN where a child is being hurt by another child and the mother wants to know why the school isn't doing anything about it. Well this school is doing something about it starting with a conversation with the OP.

There’s nothing going on at home. Parents, brothers, all present and calm. He is also calm too most of the time but has these incidents every few weeks. We took him to a psychologist because of this issue. Anyway, thank you for replying.