Being summoned by the school to discuss bad behaviour

[Izzy1290]

My son aged 9 has had a few incidents over the years where he's lashed out physically against another child at school. A couple of incidents have been in the last couple of weeks and I've now been asked to come in for a discussion with the head teacher. My son is definitely a reactive child at times so I don't want to make excuses for him, but my natural instinct is to feel a bit defensive. For whatever reason he isn't flourishing at this school in the way he should be. And there is certainly one teacher who seems to be on his back more than any others have been.
I do want to work with the school to help him manage his behaviour so he doesn't lash out. But I'm worried the school has in some way already decided he is of 'bad' character, and as a parent that's heart breaking.
How do I prepare for this meeting? How can I make sure I don't come across as defensive while also wanting the school to give him another fair chance? It's hard to feel that I'm not on trial myself, in the tone used by the school.
I appreciate any advice.

It’s never nice to hear your child is lashing out but I agree with the others, it needs to stop and hopefully they will offer support to you and him, whether someone is provoking him, a ND issue or just can’t cope in school, then they need to get to the bottom of it to prevent it happening again.

The behaviour is sporadic rather than a consistent feature.

What are the triggers? Is there something common to the incidents (eg other stuff causing stress alongside the specific thing that's made him lash out)?

I had a "reactive child". There are books - something about "the explosive child" springs to mind but it was a long time ago for me.

My reactive child was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult with poor impulse control being one of his issues. As he got older he got better at being able to control his outbursts though.

What actual punishments have you tried though? Because management techniques and psychologists and talking about how it's wrong is clearly not working but sooner or later, the kid needs to learn that hitting people will lead to punishments. He will be 10 soon and then he runs the risk of getting into more serious trouble with the police.

Of course, fully understand this. No one wants this to stop more than I do. Before the school stepped in I was trying to address it. I’m mortified about the trouble he causes. We haven’t found how to address it.

Ds was reactive in unsupervised settings like the playground at that age. They knew what his problems were with social communication - they had told me already he wasn't able to join in playground situations, and was being teased, yet they complained when he lashed out. I put the ball back in their court...I said he can't cope in these unstructured settings and he can't cope with teasing from other children...what are you going to do about it? The answer was a lunch club for the children who found the playground stressful and a Lego club. He stopped lashing out.

The playground situation is not an especially normal one if you think about it ..loud noisy busy.

Ds went through this stage, learnt better social communication skills, appropriate responses but it was through telling him off, there were many many strategies involved

He has a diagnosis of autism. He is now doing very very well, just finishing at uni in an arts subject

Typo..IT WASN'T through telling him off etc ..

Really appreciate all replies, thank you. Some really helpful ones.

The book someone mentioned is "The Explosive Child"

Op I understand how hard it is because we also had to attend a meeting about our four year olds behaviour. I know there is an age difference but it was still hard. In saying that, as other posters said, the best way to handle it is to go in open minded with a view to brain storm ideas on how you can work together to help your little guy. I found the poppy o neill books fantastic for emotions (they are actually for 8-12 year olds I believe) but I was able to still have great success with them even if my little girl couldn’t do all the activities inside. Really helped us with regulating emotions and teaching coping strategies aswell. We also asked the school to let her have little breaks if she needed them in a quiet spot which helped a ton.
We don’t know if our little girl is sen yet, but we do know there was a bit of bullying happening (if you can really call it that at a young age) but anyway it was really upsetting our little girl and definitely was in part behind the behaviour so there could be more going on in school than you know yet. Either way you have my sympathies, it’s your child and all you want is for them to be ok!

Try to reframe it in your mind. The school isn't again you DS, they're trying to help him. Lashing out does happen with younger children, but in a few years time he will have the strength to do some real damage.

If he's still lashing out once he's at secondary, an attack could lead to more serious implications for him, like school exclusion or even a criminal record (not to mention the impact on the recipient). Obviously no one wants that for your DS, so the school are trying to work with you and him now, while you still have a few years to make changes to avoid that future.

Please try to se this as an opportunity. At nine, he's not far off puberty and all the emotional rollercoaster that comes with it. He is also going to get bigger and stronger, so the best and safest thing for him is to find coping strategies now.
From what you've said, you know this is an issue and you are committed to helping him.
I've worked with some very angry men who could have had a very different life if they'd had better ways to cope with negative feelings before puberty hit.
Take your defences down. Listen and don't jump in on their suggestions. Whatever you've been doing isn't working, so it's time to try something new.
Good luck.

The school hasn't decided he's of bad character. They, and the children and other parents in turn that are affected by his behaviour, are just dealing with the situation that they're presented with.

Yes this, they’re just addressing the reality. Any negative ideas they hold about him will be based on his pattern of behaviour. The best way to change their perception of him as a violent child or bully etc, is to tackle this behaviour.

It might be absolutely awful for the kids who have been harmed by your child. Focus on that too as you go into the meeting. Also remember your child may hit the wrong kid next time who is fiercer and stronger and not afraid to hit back, so there also many direct benefits to you if you go in with humility genuinely open to resolving this.

You say one teacher has been on his back more, sometimes teachers don’t get it right. But perhaps they have a strong aversion to violence and feel other staff haven’t done enough so they’ve been a little stricter?

Have you had a look at the schools behaviour plan? Are they following what they are meant to be doing? Are they making positive targets for him that they can celebrate? Is someone at school making an effort to build a trusting relationship with him?

What support do they give him? Does he feel happy and have friends at school and like the teachers like him?

In fairness, that's a lot of intervention to expect from from a school. If they did all that for pupils, would there be any time to teach anything besides behaviour?