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Partner too harsh on my daughter

36 replies

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 22:51

Hi, so this is just one of many many things that has happened and in my opinion turned into an unnecessary argument.....myself and my partner live with my 6 year old daughter, our 1 year old and half the time with his daughter too. He is a very calm patient father with his daughter, with my daughter he is not. I've always taken a step back with parenting his daughter, I've only ever told her off a few times and always gently as she is very quick to get upset and then we all end up apologising to her. Anyway with my daughter she can be the sweetest, most thoughtful wee girl but also she has a wild side as most 6 year olds do. My issues isn't soo much when we can clearly see she's in an over excited piano g the boundaries mood it's when she's being perfectly well behaved and he's still difficult with her.
Yesterday after dinner she asked to go out and play in the sandpit with her baby sister, it was a lovely evening and I thought it be a lovely relaxing thing to do too as they are both always soo calm in it. My partner immediately just said no. I didn't undermine him in my opinion as I didn't say no let's go out and ignore what he's said but I said to him why dont you think it's a good idea? He responded by saying it's nearly the babies bed time and she needs to wind down...I said oh remember she had a later nap today so I think she'll be up another hour even though it wasnt even her usual bedtime yet! He then said I've told her no. I pointed out that my daughter could still go out as it's not her bedtime and I think it'll be nice for the baby to winddown sitting out in the nice evening. He said she should just wind down in here on you...I was like what...she never just sits on me she's up playing until we take her to bed or he sticks the TV on for her normally! He then lost it huffing do what you want you've totally undermined me and slammed the door. I went out with both of them after that and we were having a lovely time, I went in to say oh come on please come out and he was acting all hurt , how dare I go against what he's said etc. I said I think you're being a bit dramatic and I didn't intentionally undermine I tried to discuss it with him. I kind of expected him to go oh ye that's right let's go out not all this nonsense he came out with. It constantly feels like he says no to my daughter for the sake of it or because he can't be bothered. Am I in the wrong or was I right to remind him of a late nap and it might be a nice thing to go and do, is that undermining??

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StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:55

It constantly feels like he says no to my daughter for the sake of it or because he can't be bothered.

Your daughter is 6 years old. She has years of this ahead of her. You have choices, she has none. Unless he changes, her childhood is going to be shit.
The other alternative is that you leave him. Is that a possibility?

ByUmberViewer · 13/05/2024 22:57

Ignore him and do whatever you want with your own kids.

Pinklilly · 13/05/2024 22:57

Hi @Beanybops2000 i don’t think you’re being undermining in wanting to explore his thinking as to why he said no. But in his opinion the fact you asked felt like a challenge. I think that’s what you need to discuss with him- that everyone’s parenting decisions can be discussed/ probed. There is no blanket yes /no and whoever said it first rules. That’s just silly.

i also think he was inflexible in that moment and that really would irritate me. Children deal with us when we are stressed, moody, rushed, joyful etc and they have to constantly adapt to their adult. It’s only fair that we try and be flexible, of course she wanted to play outside the weather is lovely!

have a discussion but don’t focus on the nitty gritty of this situation- focus on the wider picture that decisions can be discussed and explored and flexibility is key to happiness for all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Tel12 · 13/05/2024 23:09

He does sound like he's being petty just for the sake of it. I'm guessing that he resents her as he's patient with his own daughter. I would think that you need to get to the bottom of things and talk to him calmly when the children are not about. It's going to be a very unhappy home if you can't find a solution.

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 23:12

@Pinklilly
The op says :
He is a very calm patient father with his daughter, with my daughter he is not

it's when she's being perfectly well behaved and he's still difficult with her.

He then lost it huffing do what you want you've totally undermined me and slammed the door

What sort of discussion do you think will work with this man?

keeptalkinghappytalk · 13/05/2024 23:14

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 22:55

It constantly feels like he says no to my daughter for the sake of it or because he can't be bothered.

Your daughter is 6 years old. She has years of this ahead of her. You have choices, she has none. Unless he changes, her childhood is going to be shit.
The other alternative is that you leave him. Is that a possibility?

Edited

So well put ... she s 6. Don t sacrifice her childhood to this ill humoured inflexible man.

Whisperingsummerishere · 13/05/2024 23:14

The guilt he carries for not having his own dd full time is preventing him being a nice person for your dd. Resentment is setting in op. Ime.

yeesh · 13/05/2024 23:15

Why are you letting him treat your daughter differently to the other children in the house? Disgusting behaviour by a grown man. You really need to think about how your daughter will feel growing up in a house where she clearly isn’t wanted by your partner

Nannyamc · 13/05/2024 23:22

My Mum had 11 children..we were always treated the same.

It was not that hard..please cherish all children

StSwithinsDay · 13/05/2024 23:24

Nannyamc · Today 23:22
My Mum had 11 children..we were always treated the same.

Did you all have the same father?

Inulatheyellow · 13/05/2024 23:24

It sounds as if he has a bee in his bonnet where your daughter is concerned.

How is she with him?
Does she seem upset ?

You need to prioritise your daughter. As pp said, it’s a long time to endure living with someone who doesn’t like you. And she’s only 6.

YANBU to challenge his decision to not allow your daughter out with the one year old.

Well done for standing up to his bully tactics !

Is she going to have to put up with this for her entire childhood ?
To be treated as second best by this strange man who was brought into her life. What will this do to her confidence and self esteem long term ?

Whattodo2024 · 13/05/2024 23:27

Poor kid.

SwimmingSnake · 13/05/2024 23:28

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TheShellBeach · 13/05/2024 23:29

Whisperingsummerishere · 13/05/2024 23:14

The guilt he carries for not having his own dd full time is preventing him being a nice person for your dd. Resentment is setting in op. Ime.

This is exactly right.
This is what is happening.

MissingMoominMamma · 13/05/2024 23:29

Neither your daughter, or her sibling will benefit from this set up.

Leave him.

Eggmoobean · 13/05/2024 23:32

You need to get on top of this and quick. Otherwise your dd is going to have the worst childhood and she will grow up believing you never protected her from her step fathers annoyance of her. She is still a baby. She needs love, affection and understanding, not a man child trying to take her Down a peg at every opportunity.

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:38

Thank you, I feel like what I've been thinking recently is finally validated. Soo many little things like his daughter getting two different flavoured scoops of ice cream, mine one but it was a 'bigger" scoop apparently.

I feel like he used to make an effort with her, step back from discipline and then when I moved in and we had a baby a year later it's like his true feelings are coming out.

I dont really know what to do, not by choice my 6 year olds dad left me and only bothers to see her every second weekend...I thought this was my chance at a happy family again and I don't know if I can bare to be apart from my baby half the time as that's what would happen in this situation.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 13/05/2024 23:39

Would he want the baby 50/50?

TheShellBeach · 13/05/2024 23:41

GrazingSheep · 13/05/2024 23:39

Would he want the baby 50/50?

I was wondering that too.

He might not. He might decide that his older daughter is the only one he's interested in.

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:42

@GrazingSheep Yes. It's actually laughable that after this argument he's suddenly all over her, like any time there's a disagreement he picks her up, over the top kissing, playing like he never normally does much of ....and it feels all very rub in my face

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 13/05/2024 23:45

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:42

@GrazingSheep Yes. It's actually laughable that after this argument he's suddenly all over her, like any time there's a disagreement he picks her up, over the top kissing, playing like he never normally does much of ....and it feels all very rub in my face

So if he isn't normally very attentive to the baby, are you certain that he'd want her 50/50?

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:45

I have a good relationship with his daughter thankfully (I think she thinks I'm quite cool) which helps and I get on well with her mum. I think there's something in the resentment for the fact my daughter's here most the time and his is not

OP posts:
Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:47

His ex said she partly left him so he would actually step up and be a father and stop leaving everything up to her all the time

OP posts:
AStrawberryTart · 13/05/2024 23:50

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:38

Thank you, I feel like what I've been thinking recently is finally validated. Soo many little things like his daughter getting two different flavoured scoops of ice cream, mine one but it was a 'bigger" scoop apparently.

I feel like he used to make an effort with her, step back from discipline and then when I moved in and we had a baby a year later it's like his true feelings are coming out.

I dont really know what to do, not by choice my 6 year olds dad left me and only bothers to see her every second weekend...I thought this was my chance at a happy family again and I don't know if I can bare to be apart from my baby half the time as that's what would happen in this situation.

I dont really know what to do, not by choice my 6 year olds dad left me and only bothers to see her every second weekend...I thought this was my chance at a happy family again and I don't know if I can bare to be apart from my baby half the time as that's what would happen in this situation

Well you’ll have to bare it won’t you for the sake of your 6 year old unless you want to see her being basically abused by her stepfather for the next umpteen years. Honestly, give yourself a shake and look at how he’s treating her, you can’t stand back and allow this to happen.

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 13/05/2024 23:52

Sounds like his ex is well rid.