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Partner too harsh on my daughter

36 replies

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 22:51

Hi, so this is just one of many many things that has happened and in my opinion turned into an unnecessary argument.....myself and my partner live with my 6 year old daughter, our 1 year old and half the time with his daughter too. He is a very calm patient father with his daughter, with my daughter he is not. I've always taken a step back with parenting his daughter, I've only ever told her off a few times and always gently as she is very quick to get upset and then we all end up apologising to her. Anyway with my daughter she can be the sweetest, most thoughtful wee girl but also she has a wild side as most 6 year olds do. My issues isn't soo much when we can clearly see she's in an over excited piano g the boundaries mood it's when she's being perfectly well behaved and he's still difficult with her.
Yesterday after dinner she asked to go out and play in the sandpit with her baby sister, it was a lovely evening and I thought it be a lovely relaxing thing to do too as they are both always soo calm in it. My partner immediately just said no. I didn't undermine him in my opinion as I didn't say no let's go out and ignore what he's said but I said to him why dont you think it's a good idea? He responded by saying it's nearly the babies bed time and she needs to wind down...I said oh remember she had a later nap today so I think she'll be up another hour even though it wasnt even her usual bedtime yet! He then said I've told her no. I pointed out that my daughter could still go out as it's not her bedtime and I think it'll be nice for the baby to winddown sitting out in the nice evening. He said she should just wind down in here on you...I was like what...she never just sits on me she's up playing until we take her to bed or he sticks the TV on for her normally! He then lost it huffing do what you want you've totally undermined me and slammed the door. I went out with both of them after that and we were having a lovely time, I went in to say oh come on please come out and he was acting all hurt , how dare I go against what he's said etc. I said I think you're being a bit dramatic and I didn't intentionally undermine I tried to discuss it with him. I kind of expected him to go oh ye that's right let's go out not all this nonsense he came out with. It constantly feels like he says no to my daughter for the sake of it or because he can't be bothered. Am I in the wrong or was I right to remind him of a late nap and it might be a nice thing to go and do, is that undermining??

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SouperWoman · 13/05/2024 23:52

He’s a horrible step-father. I’m not convinced you can change him. Protect your DD and leave.

Pallisers · 13/05/2024 23:52

Whisperingsummerishere · 13/05/2024 23:14

The guilt he carries for not having his own dd full time is preventing him being a nice person for your dd. Resentment is setting in op. Ime.

I agree completely with this. He didn't want your dd out playing having a nice time with the baby when his daughter wasn't there.

You need to have a conversation with him about this when he isn't huffing and puffing and getting on his high horse about being undermined. This will not end well unless he gets his act together. You can't make a 6 year old live with and be told what to do by a man who doesn't love her and doesn't have her best interests at heart - well you can but like i said, it won't end well.

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:54

I know, I need out its suffocating. My daughter doesn't seem overly bothered more like what's his problem but I'm sure it is probably affecting her really.

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SnoqualmieRiver · 13/05/2024 23:55

There are three children in this mess.

What is best for all of them.

He sounds absolutely crap and after the split with your first partner, I think you looked at him with rose tinted glasses and went and has a baby with him.

Big mistake as now the scales have fallen from your eyes and happy ever after isn't going to happen with him as he does not like your daughter.

She is a sweet six year old and he loathes her so how do you think he will be with her when she's a defiant and moody teenager?

Please put her feelings above any romantic notions you have of you all living happily ever after as that ship has sailed.

YeahComeOnThen · 13/05/2024 23:57

Beanybops2000 · 13/05/2024 23:45

I have a good relationship with his daughter thankfully (I think she thinks I'm quite cool) which helps and I get on well with her mum. I think there's something in the resentment for the fact my daughter's here most the time and his is not

@Beanybops2000

Yes, there probably is.

However, that's not your daughters fault.

Give it a few days, then tell him that things have to change or he'll be seeing his youngest EOW too (practically how would he manage having a baby 50/50??)

Tell him that you understand he feels guilty that he's living with your DD and only sees his EOW. BUT that this attitude towards DD needs to change now, it's not her fault!

The older girls get the same and when it's like the ice cream, if it can't be the same they (do something like) toss a coin to choose which they want.

other things like the sandpit, you say yes or no, until he can stop being nasty/negative.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Don't tip toe around. Tell him things need to change or he'll need to move out, you will not stand for your DD being brought up like this!!

it will affect the other girls as well

TheShellBeach · 14/05/2024 00:02

Was he horrible to your older daughter before the baby was born?

AliceMcK · 14/05/2024 00:03

Please tell me he’s not on your babies birth certificate.

All I could think of is Arthur Labinjo-Hughes and every other child whose parents have ignored abuse at the hands of a stepparent. He may not be hitting her, but saying no just because he can, giving his dd 2 scoops of different flavours of ice cream & yours one are just the first signs of how he thinks about your dd, the more you allow it the worse he will get.

Your dd is 6yo you have to step up and put her first.

By the way I’m not saying this is all stepparents, I know some amazing stepparents who would never do this.

Beanybops2000 · 14/05/2024 00:17

@TheShellBeach No, he used to play with her now he barely does unless his daughter is here. He gives me parenting 'feedback' with any misbehaviour I've chosen to ignore again he used to try and help with challenging parenting moments. It's just all gone to shit, I've been sat here thinking he may actually resent the fact she's around the baby more than his daughter rather than shes just here more than her as this is kind of when it all started, after she was born

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SnoqualmieRiver · 14/05/2024 09:07

It will only get worse.

Nottherealslimshady · 14/05/2024 09:16

He then said I've told her no.

My partner is very active as a parent to my child, very involved, very equal, you wouldnt think we werent a fully biological fsmily. If he said this to me when we disagreed over something about any of our children I would genuinely look at him like he had three heads and say "when did you become the boss?" Excuse me "I said no"? Do you live in a dictatorship? I've never Said those words to him either. Becuase I'm also not the boss.

You say you think he is deliberately harsh with your daughter. You know he is deliberately being harsh with her. Actively choosing to treat her differently to his other children. Why are you allowing her to be treated that way. You're letting him be nasty to your six year old. Why?

Beanybops2000 · 14/05/2024 09:31

I feel like such a idiot, I've vented to my friends before and they've just kind of laughed it off almost. I needed validated as I was feeling I was being overly sensitive. I sold my house to move in with him so it'll be me moving out. I'm going to arrange some therapy to find the best way forward.
Thank you everyone for listening and giving your advice.

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