Hi sorry for the long post but I’m just heartbroken today and need some advice really on what the right thing to do is so please bare with….
i have 3 children, 15,13 & 12. Not all the same dads. My youngests dad was abusive to me and we separated when he was 3. He saw him in a contact centre for a few years and then it went to him having him every other weekend. His dad has been in a new relationship for many years now with 2 more children. We do not speak and contact has always gone through my sons Nan (I drop him off there on a Friday and she drops him back to me on a Sunday so I don’t have to see his dad).
my 12 YO is in the process of being diognosed with possible adhd / autism and having an ehcp at school etc as he is also massively school avoidant and barely goes to school (if I try and make him he demolishes the house and kicks and swears). His behaviour since he was 6/7 has been incredibly hard work, on the daily if you say no to something he will trash the house, call me every name under the sun, kick and hit me and it is exhausting to the point I have had multiple breakdowns because I find it incredibly hard to cope with this day in day out on my own with no other support. He is the only one out of my 3 children who sees his dad. Just to add he has also had multiple therapy sessions to go back over any trauma and to help with anger issues etc a lot of work has been put in to help him and I just feel I get nowhere.
anyway that’s an incredibly brief picture of how life is everyday but this weekend just gone he came back from his dads and before he had left I had taken away his phone for a week (but gave in to him having it back whilst at his dads but said I would need it back when he got home) when he got home I asked for the phone and all hell broke loose yet again. Screaming, throwing things down the stairs and around the house, kicking my daughter and calling us all every name under the sun. He then told me he wanted to live with his dad. I was at breaking point and in the kitchen crying because it’s got to the point recently of not feeling I can cope anymore having to deal with this behaviour day in and day out, it’s wearing me down so much. So I said to him fine I’ll message your dad and ask him if you can go there (purely thinking it was an empty threat because no way did I expect his dad’s response). His dad replied and said yes that’s fine he can come here, we will move his school and sort it all out. So within 2 hours of him being home I had taken him back over to his nans and his dad then came and collected him. By 10pm my son had messaged to say they were going out today to buy bunk beds. I cried myself to sleep last night and I can’t even think straight today because however much it got to breaking point with not knowing how I was going to cope anymore, being a single mum to very challenging children I did not imagine in the space of less than 24 hours my son would be at his dads buying bunk beds. I messaged his dad asking how he was and he just messaged back saying I need to get benefits changed over for my son so that they get them and that they would sort out moving his school. I haven’t spoken to his dad on the phone for years and years as we have never had too, but I said we need to speak to discuss everything, this is a massive thing and things need to be spoken about. And he said we don’t need to call, anything can be said over messages and that they’ll sort everything out.
part of me feels like maybe he just needs his dad now, I have tried and tried to do my best and maybe this is what he needs right now? But I also feel like part of my heart has been ripped out, thinking I will now only see my son every other weekend and half the holidays. I almost thought this would be an empty threat but less than 24 hours in and there sorting out bunk beds and schools!?
my son has always said his daddy is nice to him and so is his new girlfriend so I don’t have any fear he will come to harm. I just feel like this is a huge amount to process and I don’t know how I should be thinking or feeling right now?
sorry it’s so long but I just wanted some advice I suppose? Thankyou for reading