I'm struggling to let go of my children being younger...anyone else?

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My sons are 9&13 and I feel what I can only describe as grief wash over me at the thought of them growing up, but more specifically, at the realisation that I will never get to experience them being very little again. I find it completely stops me in my tracks some days.

My youngest has ASD/ADHD. We are very close, but of course, being 9, he doesn't hold my hand when we're out anywhere near as much. It's the little things...I would love to take them soft play and go down the slide, the children's area of the musuem. Just little things.

Parenting is a series of loses and gains it feels. It feels much worse after leaving our home of 9 years last year. It just feels like grief.

I know i won't be alone in feeling like this...would really appreciate hearing your voice.

You should read “In search of lost time” by Marcel Proust, if you haven’t.

I often think there are words missing in the English language, or at least words I don’t know. It’s such a specific feeling of loss, isn’t it - it’s not just nostalgia, it’s much more uncomfortable. That feeling that “good times” have slipped past, and you didn’t have enough time to relish them properly.

I’m triggered by the seasons changing - where does the time go? On the other hand I love seeing my kids grow and thrive. And I try to remain optimistic there will be new good times. Just different.

Thank you so much @SpringKitten . Have added In Search of Lost Time to my Kindle.

You are also completely right, it's a bigger feeling than nostalgia and the feeling time slipping away. I also experience this huge sense that I didn't appreciate what I had, that I was too busy being stressed or worried some times, that I thought I had longer to get things 'right' before they grew up. Its a desperation to go back in time. Its all consuming at times.

I wish more people would speak about it. Although, I know not everyone feels this way, my Mum told me she'd never felt like this!

Janice Turner had an article in the times recently where she said something like - if you actually had a Time Machine, most women wouldn’t choose to meet Elizabeth I or Cleopatra, they’d go back to see their children again as toddlers. It’s certainly true for me.

I feel this OP and my little two are considerably younger than your sons. Childhood is so beautiful and fleeting. You sound like a lovely mum.

I feel this too. Inevitably everything we love passes and changes and our lives will end. That's huge. These feelings key into that basic human fear and sadness.

The one thing you mustn't do is tell yourself you didn't enjoy it enough or essentially "got it wrong" at the time. Don't frame your memories like that, they are what you have left of that time. Concentrate on the lovely times and good things and reinforce them and then you will always have them.

You never know what second chances and unexpected graces the future holds. I feel this sadness with you and it's overwhelming sometimes.

I think all you can do is embrace their new chapters and remind yourself to keep savouring it all. They are still little, they still need you

I also feel like this and mine are only 2 and 4! It's an acute feeling of time moving too quickly and each precious moment slipping through my fingers before I've had time to appreciate it.

The only thing I find a comfort is hoping each new chapter will bring its own magic. Being their friend as adults for example. But I agree it's painful. There is nothing better than the love small children give and create.

OP, I was writing in my journal the other night and had had a good rest and out came all the lovely moments I'd had with my kids that day (preschool) and then I heard myself saying, well some part of me 'Rowen these happen every day, you're just too tired to remember by nighttime' and ever since I've just had this secure feeling that we're doing a good job and having a time and I can't clutch at those feelings that try to bring me down of wanting to hold on to the moment because there'll be even more along the way..
I've seen parents, for example, have the most wonderful times travelling to met their kids abroad, things like that give me great hope there will always be adventure..
And then when it gets really bad I think of tragedy I've seen and tell myself how lucky I am that my children are growing healthy and strong, not to invalidate my feelings but just to have that other perspective..

@Rowen32 that's such a nice post.

One thing I love as my older son gets bigger is being able to talk about books with him, which I couldn't do when he was littler. Me and my mum will still talk about books for hours now so that's a possible cool thing for the future. And can't wait to hike with him if he's into it. I do have to look for these things since he's turned 7/8 because he has massively changed physically and just isn't my tiny little boy any more. At least he still wants hugs 😢

Agreed.

My sweet little girls who I could make laugh and would be happy with smallest of gestures are now 10&12 and are miserable.

Lovely and polite if we are out or if I'm buying them something but most of the time I am inconvenience in their life and asking them to do one thing like tidy their room is an obstacle.

I thought I raised them well, so much attention, always been there (SAHM), but nope..

I will be here at the end of the day for them, no matter what though. Xx

Can I give you all hope?

I was a single parent and spent literally every waking hour with my dc, I adored it all, we co slept, went on (cheap) holidays/days out and spend so much time at home crafting, reading, watching films etc
Whenever I thought of them being older I felt panic and sadness and couldn't imagine life without young dc.
But mother nature is very clever, somehow, as they grow, each stage becomes the new 'normal'
My 2 are young adults now and I can honestly say this is my favourite stage. They are funny, great company and best of all they take care of themselves and don't need patting to sleep!
We go to pub quizzes, gigs etc and if they're free, they're always up for a film night or trip somewhere.

My one bit of advice? Don't put less effort in as the grow up. When they hit double digits they may seem to need you less but don't be fooled! I put an enormous amount of effort into staying close to my dc. I listened to them and always ensured I kept up with their interests, friends etc I was always there in the background, waiting for them (if that makes sense?)
They need you way more when they're this age than they do when they're younger (in a way!)

Thank you so much for you lovely, understanding responses, they've made me cry. I will try to find The Times article. I am having a real day of it.

My sons primary school does a ceremony which includes Bell ringing and the whole school on their last day, that popped into my head a few days ago...I dread that day.

My sons are very tactile when we're home, we have lots of cuddles, and I try to freeze time when they do this now. When my youngest holds my hand when we're out and about feels particularly special...I take a few seconds to look and lock it into my head.

I've never felt love, given or received, in anyway like my children have given me. You're right, the love young children provoke is very special.

My kids are 18 (19 tomorrow) and 20. It is difficult at times to see that they are adults, with their own opinions, ambitions and needs quite separate to your own. My DD (who I am very close to and live happily with) announced the other night that she'd 'run things differently' when she had her own household. Of course I immediately took this as a criticism. But is it? I don't run things the way my mother did.
I am nervous if her going off to uni in the Autumn. I feel she will be forever changed. My son left home at 18 and I don't think we could ever live together again. But she needs to spread her wings and become independent, even if I feel increasingly dependent on her.
You have the memories, but to wish it back is only for yourself and would do your children no favours.

My DCs are students. They still need me. However II have never looked back. I have loved watching them grow into fantastic young adults and am looking forward to the next chapters in their lives - careers, babies, who know what...! I do like reminiscing about their baby/toddler years though and have lots of photos on display.

I think this feeling is most intense when your children are on the cusp of change or just after it and you know things are different. My DD is edging into later teens now and I really don't miss the earlier years in the same way.
You do change and grow with them.

I have felt this, and occasionally still do (and mine are 16 and 20!). I think all parents experience pangs of this. Childhood is so fleeting and when you're in the trenches you don't always notice.

I have so many photos which I need to get round to making into photobooks. Then I can have a good old nostalgic mooch and a private little cry!

Here you are

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/uk-birth-rate-why-arent-british-women-having-babies-any-more-0x28c7w8c

You aren't alone but I want to reassure you that by allowing them grow up appropriately paced you can evolve your relationship and still remain close. My dd is much older, living with partner working etc but she calls me for advice etc, it's lovely, very different to little kids but she still cuddles up when she visits !

There's life after little ones and it's really good i promise you

I so understand this. It’s a hard feeling to describe but when I think about it, my heart aches deep deep down. I try to swallow the feeling and treasure these days.

I feel like this to some degree but then I remember I wasn't actually that happy when they were toddlers. I was so bored and stressed. They were cute, but now we have good conversations! I am still close to mine though, they are both ND and don't have many friends so are very home-loving and family centred which probably helps.

I think I'll be going against the grain here but never wish for one second mine were small again. I have been far closer to them as adults when they can interact as interesting humans,not whingy little ones needing noses or bottoms wiped. The grown up years are far,far more fun and satisfying. It can be hard watching them move out and move in with partners, but then you get to know the partners too who become extended family. My eldest 2 are in their 30s. DS is just 22 and last week set off to join a cruise ship going round the world on a 6 month contract. Places I've only heard of...he'll be there.
But some things dont change: instead of a little hand tuggin my sleeve and a small voice saying" Mummy! A doggy!" I got a late night whatsapp with video,captioned " mum! Dolphins! " He's still my wee one.

I'm finding this fascinating! I am in early toddlerhood and struggling still with anxiety and the massive change of parenthood. I hope one day I do look back nostalgically and I hope that anxiety doesn't always prevent my enjoying the moment as he gets older (I am seeking help).

Lovely to hear all your stories of enjoying your DC growing and changing!

I feel just the same OP. Really not ready for the next school year that's fast approaching. I have three kids, 6,5 & 2. Longing for one more, keep thinking if we had another baby I'd accept the others getting older!

I have to say i love my children dearly but my favourite stage of parenting is now.
Their 21&19 i dont have to parent anymore but its amazing to see the adults they have become.
I have all the memories and photos but tbh nothing could get me to do it all again it was hard work.
And i hated the school runs now its all over with its now me time my new chapter.

Those days aren’t gone, they live in your memory for you to enjoy forever.

I find it helpful to picture things. For me they are a deep velvet bag of pebbles. I can reach in and pull out the smell of a damp sleepy toddler draped over my shoulder as I carry him to bed, or the shriek of excitement when the bus set off with us on the upstairs front seat.

The shout of the younger one - DUCK! - and the worldly wise correction of a 5 year old big brother - That’s a pigeon, not a duck. The tussle to press the button at the road crossing, the enthusiastic is inaccurate self-feeding of banana and porridge.

All of those good moments are still there, still part of me, as the bad moments of exhaustion, boredom or frustration fade away. But now I have newer ones to join them, and more shared jokes and broader horizons to join them,

Enjoy the present, treasure the good bits of the past, but don’t mourn them. Each new stage brings its own joys.