I'm struggling to let go of my children being younger...anyone else?

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My sons are 9&13 and I feel what I can only describe as grief wash over me at the thought of them growing up, but more specifically, at the realisation that I will never get to experience them being very little again. I find it completely stops me in my tracks some days.

My youngest has ASD/ADHD. We are very close, but of course, being 9, he doesn't hold my hand when we're out anywhere near as much. It's the little things...I would love to take them soft play and go down the slide, the children's area of the musuem. Just little things.

Parenting is a series of loses and gains it feels. It feels much worse after leaving our home of 9 years last year. It just feels like grief.

I know i won't be alone in feeling like this...would really appreciate hearing your voice.

The one thing I've enjoyed about a ten year age gap is still having a "baby" as the elder one grows. Little DD is now 8 and although not a baby as such, she still loves time with me, kisses, cuddles, silly games etc. I do know all that rapidly changes. My solution is animals 😂 I already have a very clingy house cat who's the baby and my plan is to get more cats and a little dog as she grows. I don't actually want any more human babies and they do fill a gap.

And even though he's a man now, I'm still close to my eldest and I feel pride and delight at his developments.

I do understand this but I hold onto how much of a privilege it is that my dd gets to grow up, to be a teenager, to go to college, to learn to drive, to have her own dreams and ambitions.

I miss younger dd sometimes but it is so special seeing her grow up and she still needs me but in a slightly different way.

To be honest I think what you’re describing is a bit of self sabotage ie having a negative mindset towards things/dwelling on things you can’t change and rose tinted lenses - having a positive outlook on things that at the time were very difficult. It’s something people with depression or anxiety do to prevent themselves from feeling properly happy and unlocking their full potential. There’s no good in immersing yourself in the past if it makes you feel like you’re grieving on a day to day basis in comparison - it suggests your focus is on the wrong things. If you don’t actively try and challenge the way you’re feeling now, you’ll just spiral into a more depressive state when your children start dating/moving out/working etc and have completely separate lives to you.

I feel exactly this, it is incredibly painful for me.

Reading everyone's replies is heartbreaking.
I won't sugar coat it, having my young children was honestly the most wonderful thing that I've ever experienced and I'm just so sad that it's over.

I've been feeling like this lately OP. Incidentally my youngest child is also nine. My eldest is 11 and leaving primary school soon. I've been in a contemplative mood a lot lately anyway after separating from their dad last year. I've been hit lately with this feeling that I didn't get to be the parent I had wanted to be. Too much to go into on here really, but between a lot of shit with their dad and my own issues, I feel like there was a lot I had wanted for them but never got the time or chance to do. And now the opportunity has gone.

Compared to my own childhood, they have had a lot better. But even still, I wanted a lot better for them than what I have been able to give them!

Today if well lived makes every memory a memory of happiness and every tomorrow a vision of hope. Look well therefore to this day.

I’ve got the above quote framed. Be thankful you have happy memories and concentrate on looking forward to the future (spoiler: teens and young adults are amazing) and making today a wonderful memory for the future.
We have to live and love in the present.

I never felt like this, I loved the DC but found aspects of parenting/working very stressful during the early years and my health was often not great.

DH did feel like this, he wanted and still wants time to pause! In general he is ‘glass half full’, he’s prone to nostalgia.

Now my eldest DC isn’t too far off leaving home, should they decide to, feel hopeful for them but in some ways sad about that for my sake, worried that due to the juggle I let friendships and social things slide, and/or that I haven’t done enough to prepare DC for independence.

Eg DC dislikes cooking - why am I still always bloody cooking?!

I could have written this myself. Christmas time is the worst for me, the realisation that they won't always be like this.

❤️

I struggle with time seemingly going fast and the seasons changing too. For me it’s to do with getting old and all that youth just gone,

Completely empathise - I think Christmas and the summer holidays fast approaching are times when I feel it most - the school year marking the changes. It does feel so painful sometimes but is then balanced by the present joys and promise of more to come.

We have a large gap between DC1&2 and weren't sure we'd be able to have more. I often felt like I almost wished DS1's childhood away looking for the next milestone. When DC2 arrived I lived far more in the moment, savouring the moments I knew would not last long.
I've loved seeing the men they've become. DC1 is almost thirty and getting married shortly. I'm looking forward to hopefully becoming a grandparent one day, which I think will come a close second to having my own children.

I hear you OP.

Mine are still quite little but my DD is getting so grown up and will be 9 this year, she is really moving out of childhood. My boys are still fairly little but my youngest will be starting school in September.

I do think part of it may be the loss of your old home. I was moved out of our lovely little house because of a neighbour that moved in, and it’s hard for me to process because we were actually moved to what transpired to be an even worse situation, so it’s hard for me to disentangle all of the emotions, but I have felt the most profound grief over not being in the house where the kids were babies. I can’t look at photos at the moment because I just look and think of all the memories of them being tiny, crawling, learning to walk, first Christmases and birthdays etc, and it truly is a loss.

I am also very much in the thick of having young kids though, and I do look to the future with optimism and excitement over all the things that people without young DC take for granted, like popping places, or the kids developing their own cool hobbies and interested, mutual interests and days out etc.

But yeah, I am right there with you. I think bittersweet emotions are some of the most powerful and keenly felt of all.

We’ve decided not to have anymore and I’m feeling like this. Our youngest is 3 and I’m so sad I won’t have a baby again. Babies and toddler are my fave age. I have a 10 year old who I struggle with, but I look forward to her being a teen as I feel we will have more in common and to talk about then. I’ve always struggled with kids that are in that annoying in between age!

My DC are teens and I'm slightly feeling a bit like that as the eldest is hopefully getting ready to fly the nest in September
I found the baby and toddler years pretty hard with DD as she was a bad sleeper and fussy eater (still is) I had PND and my mum died when DC2 was 1 so that time was pretty hard as well.
Sometimes I look back and wish I had enjoyed the toddler years a bit more but actually it was so intense, and emotional and full on I probably couldn't appreciate it.

As much as I sometimes want to pause and bottle the moments I enjoy, it's also really exciting watching the new phases. Annoyingly after about 10 years of mainly not getting on its lovely to see them do stuff together and enjoy each others company without bickering....just as one is about to leave!

Even though they're teens sometimes they occassionally want to do things that are really simple like going fir a picnic or playing pooh sticks at the park and it's all lots easier because it's not a military operation to go out like when they were little! there are also some days when they just want to sit in their rooms on screens which are frustrating

And 14yo DS still gives me a hug every day

@couldhaver
I think you have a very valid point here, one I'll try to keep in mind - I'm trying to be present, and not lose more time to looking in rear mirror, I'm very aware I will likely look back at this time and feel immense sadness too.

@pocketheart
I'm a single parent too...and your post perfectly captured the utter joy it can bring, the closeness...and make me feel more hopeful. They do still need me, and I'm privileged to have them.

@CountingCrones - your post made me cry! We really do have moments where we all live the same life!

Currently watching my youngest football training, dog walked and sitting next to me, and the sun is out.

Really is so helpful to read your replies, and quite beautiful. Children cause unbelievable, immeasurable stress at times, god knows we've had awful times...funny how that, for me at least, fades away and just remember how excited they were to get ice cream and a magazine with a toy. So lovely to hear that the best may yet be to come. ❤️

I have a photograph of my dc in primary school on the wall behind the dining table. A few weeks ago they were all home for Easter and at lunch I glanced up at the photograph then at my now adult dcs and felt a fleeting sadness at the passing of the years and how it only seemed like yesterday the photo was taken.

Someone shared this quote on a similar thread a few years ago and I thought it summed it up very well...

"How awful it was...the way tiny ghosts of your living children haunted your heart; they could never know, and would hate it if they did, how their growing was a constant bereavement."

JK Rowling, The Casual Vacancy

Yes, I am excited for coffee and cake dates already! And holidays abroad 😄

As it was a nice evening, and DH and DD were both out, DS and I have just had a walk into town to get an ice cream at the dessert place.
I have 1-1 time with DD if we go to a show or shopping but DS doesn't enjoy those so it's nice to spend some time with him

@SpringKitten that is literally the first time I have ever seen Proust recommended on MN! Brava! 🙌

These posts are all very touching. I love scrolling through phone photos and videos, and we reminisce a lot. I’ve teens and one pre-teen, and I try to not wish away the long school terms where we are on a treadmill of timetables. I used to know every little friend and every little bruise. I’m glad and lucky to still be able to cherish them at home.

Yep it hurts like hell .. I spend so much time looking through old photos.